


The Scars You Cannot See

by Kels (KriegerFieber)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 14:09:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 67,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6661660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegerFieber/pseuds/Kels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Ali and Ashlyn hadn't come back from their college injuries?  What if instead of meeting because of soccer, they met later in life, under far different circumstances?  Now in their thirties, they each have painful pasts that make it hard to open themselves up to any hope of love.  But that pain also gives them something in common.  Maybe if they can help each other heal the scars they each have deep inside, they can find the one thing that has eluded them their whole lives...true love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! This time I'm moving off to a little alternative timeline of how Ali and Ash might have met (because you know, fate and all that) if they hadn't continued playing soccer after their big college injuries. This actually takes place in 2017. I originally planned it to take place this summer but wanted to continue my tradition of not jinxing the national team by mentioning how they do in Rio.
> 
> I'm posting this as I write (I'm a few chapters ahead but nowhere near done as I begin posting). Because of this I'll likely post once a week, probably on Tuesdays. I think I can keep up with that pace.
> 
> Please, let me know what you think. I always love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> And of course, this is purely fiction and the characters in this story are only loosely based on real life people. Please don't take anything in this story to be the truth unless corroborated by something they've said in the press. Everything else is completely made up.

_February 2017_

Ali's hands shook as she pulled the oxygen mask and regulator from their wool bag. _I'm probably going to die today._ She took a breath to try to calm her nerves, but the mix of smoke and diesel in the cold morning air just reminded her of the situation. _This isn't supposed to be happening._

The alarm had awoken them at 4:52am. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she had struggled to understand what the dispatcher was saying from the firehouse's loudspeaker. Explosion. Mass Casualty. Downtown DC. It had to be serious, Jim had noted as he climbed into the ambulance with her. They'd never been dispatched into the city before, after all.

As she had driven, following their chief's buggy and the engine up I-95, she had listened to Jim read news from his phone. First reports were a series of explosions in the heart of Washington, not far from the White House. The fear was that it was terrorism, perhaps even a dirty bomb. The estimates were maybe hundreds dead, thousands likely injured. But mostly no one knew anything for sure other than a full city block in the nation's capital was ablaze with a huge cloud of smoke and maybe poisonous contaminants spreading out in waves for blocks and blocks.

And now they were at the staging point—a parking area almost a mile away from the scene—and it was all too real. Normally, she'd be the one waiting for the firefighters to bring patients to her. Their gear offered so much more protection than hers after all. But not this time. Not with this many patients. She needed to get into the fray. All hands on deck, she'd heard on the radio on the drive north. She'd need to don her mask and breathe air from the bottle that sat uneasily on her back. _The day I put on this mask is the day we're all going to die._ How many times had she made that joke to the guys on her duty crew? You had to joke about the danger or it would eat you up inside. But now it wasn't a joke. Now this was life and death. _This was supposed to be fun. A way to give back. But now I could die. I should have volunteered at a soup kitchen._

“You okay?”

She turned to see Rick, already with his full gear on, his new chief's helmet covering his mop of blonde curls. She nodded. “Yeah, sure. I'm fine,” she lied. But she knew he'd see right through it. They'd known each other almost their entire lives, and had dated each other for the last two. And while she knew she could never love him the way he deserved, she had no doubt about his feelings for her. Ali felt guilty now that she hadn't had the guts to just end it before it had drawn on this long. Maybe he would have found his true love before today, before he ran into so much danger. She didn't want him to die never having found it. She loved him that much at least.

“Just stick with the rest of us,” Rick said calmly as he pulled her into a tight hug. “I love you,” he whispered into her ear. “I won't let anything happen to you.”

She knew it was a promise he likely couldn't keep, but she nodded into his shoulder, playing along. “Thank you.”

He kissed the crown of her head and gave her one last squeeze before turning to his crew. There were six of them in total, but Ali was the only one dressed in the blue gear of an EMT. The others had bunker gear on, dirty and worn from all the fires they had fought. They were all so young, most still in their twenties, with so much life left to live. Rick was the oldest at 32, already a 15-year veteran of the fire service, and finally a newly minted chief. But the rest were college kids, young fathers, or boys just looking to feed their need for an adrenaline rush. Ali hadn't quite fit in at first when she'd joined the summer after getting her master's degree. It had taken a while before the men and women of their volunteer station had warmed to the brunette.

But soon they were her family as well as her friends. They'd do anything for one another. _Today we might even die for one another._ She looked around and caught Brian's eyes. He had been a firefighter for ten years and was a veteran of some really serious fires and yet he was terrified, too. They all were, she realized. _If it comes down to it, I'll die for them,_ she told herself, even though the thought made her nauseous. Just six hours ago they'd been playing poker in the engine bay, laughing at dirty jokes and making outrageous bets, and now this. Life certainly could turn on a dime.

“I can't believe we volunteer for this shit,” Jim said next to her. His voice was high pitched and Ali was reminded he was only nineteen, barely out of the training he needed to even ride the apparatus. She wasn't even sure he'd been to a real fire before and now he was facing absolute hell.

“We'll be fine,” she tried to reassure him. She figured it was a lie, but she tried to feel sure anyway. She was responsible for him as her partner, after all. She needed to keep him calm even if she didn't feel calm herself. _You can do this. You can save lives today. If you save one life, then it's worth it. Right?_

“Okay,” Rick called out to his crew. “We're going to go in on pickups and work on patient care. I want all our backboards, extra O2, and our aide bags ready to go. Grab all the straps and collars you can find, too. Dan, you're on tools, everyone else divvy up the med supplies. Don't overload yourselves though. Pair up and watch each other's backs. I want us all to stay together if possible, but at the very least don't leave your partner. Make sure each pair has a radio and grab a backup battery just in case.” He looked around at them and nodded, seeming more confident than Ali figured he really felt. “Okay, let's get to it.”

Having something to do calmed her. She took on the role of organizing the medical supplies, making sure they got everything Rick wanted plus all the bandages they could stuff into their pockets. They had just finished gathering everything when two pickups pulled up. “Hop in,” one of the drivers called to them. “You guys are up.”

They piled themselves and their gear into the beds of the trucks. Once settled, Ali pulled her phone from her pocket. She was a little surprised there were no texts or messages, but then again her family and friends were still likely asleep, blissfully unaware of the events happening in DC. Ali wanted to call her parents and brother but knew she didn't have the time, so she quickly typed in a group text to her family. _We got called to DC. Going into the scene now. Will text when I'm done. I love you guys so much._ She thought about typing more but didn't want them to think she was scared of being hurt or killed. Maybe if she left it at that they would think she hadn't been terrified in the last moments of her life if she never made it back. She hoped that would be some measure of comfort for them. It was the least she could do. With a deep breath she hit send and tucked the phone back into the chest pocket of her gear, her eyes rising toward the dark cloud of smoke up ahead. _How many of us are going to die today?_

She looked off into the staging area as their pickup worked its way through all the apparatus. It was mayhem with so many fire engines, trucks, and ambulances scattered throughout the parking lot. Probably at least a hundred first responders were scrambling around, getting ready to be put into action themselves. While it was all so crazy, Ali managed a small smile. It made her proud to be here with all these amazing people who were willing to risk their lives for others.

They passed by an ambulance sitting just next to the driving lane. She squinted at the name on the side of the ambulance, Huntersville, not recognizing the town and wondering how far they had traveled in order to get there.

Just then there was a blinding flash and she was violently tossed through the air. It only took a few seconds before she slammed into something hard, pain shooting throughout her body. She crumpled onto the ground on her left side, metal and stone and plastic raining down around her. She couldn't catch her breath, so she grabbed frantically for the oxygen mask that she knew had been hanging over her shoulder moments before. But it wasn't there. Concentrating hard, she finally managed to pull in one labored breath of the crisp air, but she knew it wasn't enough. _I'm going to die._ This time the thought didn't scare her, though. There was something about being sure of it that calmed her.

She looked up at the sky, wishing she could see the bright blue sky above her one last time, but there was nothing but smoke hovering overhead. So instead she closed her eyes, trying to block out the chaos surrounding her. If she was going to die, it'd be on her own terms, and she wanted to go peacefully.

Just as she felt herself losing consciousness, there was another blast, another flight through the air, and another sickening crunch as her left side slammed into the wreckage of a fire truck. Searing pain went up from her leg into her back and up to her chest. Her head struck last, shooting a white hot dagger through her mind.

And then there was nothing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter going up right after this (I couldn't leave you hanging here) so if you don't see the next chapter button, hit refresh...
> 
> I was a volunteer EMT for 10 years just outside DC and this was definitely our nightmare situation...and, yes, if I had ever worn my mask at a scene, we were all likely going to die.


	2. Chapter 2

_Two Months Later_

Ashlyn shook Terry's—or was it Tonya's-- shoulder. “Hey, get up. I've got to get to work.”

The brunette rolled over and squinted up at her. “Wha?”

“Work. I need to leave in fifteen minutes. Up.” Ashlyn knew she was being harsh, but she'd become accustomed to it over the years. It was always easier to kick women out last minute than try to handle the awkward morning-after talk. She justified it by being sure she was upfront with all the women she met. She distinctly remembered telling Toni—that was it—that this was just about sex. Admittedly pretty damned good sex, but just sex nonetheless. Ashlyn couldn't give anymore than that. Not since Jess.

Toni got up with a grumble and started pulling on her clothes. “Don't suppose you can spare some coffee?”

“Yeah, sure,” Ashlyn acquiesced, thankful for the excuse to get away from any awkward small talk by escaping to the kitchen.

Exactly fourteen minutes later they were saying goodbye in front of Ashlyn's apartment building. Toni tried to get a promise of another meeting out of Ashlyn, but the tall blonde turned her down. After watching Toni walk off toward her car, Ashlyn just rolled her eyes before climbing into her Jeep. “Women,” she muttered under her breath.

It wasn't until she was at work and changed into her scrubs that she could finally file the previous night away as a distant memory. She glanced at her schedule and was instantly intrigued by the new patient admitted to the rehab facility the day before. She spent most of her time working with older adults who'd had joint replacements. To have a patient her own age would be a nice change of pace. So, when she walked into the room, Ashlyn was a little more chipper than normal. “Good morning, Miss Krieger. Am I pronouncing that properly?”

“Yeah,” came the quiet reply.

Ashlyn looked up and felt her breath catch momentarily. Sitting in the bed was one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen. But it wasn't her beauty that truly stopped Ashlyn in her tracks. It was the sadness coming from the brown eyes that barely rose to meet her own. There was something about the haunted look in her eyes that instantly made Ashlyn want to find a way to make it go away. But that wasn't her job, wasn't even something she was particularly good at, and so she knew she would need to focus on what she could fix. If getting the young woman's mobility back helped with whatever was causing her to be so troubled, then that was just an extra added bonus. “I'm Ashlyn Harris. I'll be your physical therapist during your stay here at Remington.” She smiled gently. “Please call me Ashlyn.”

“Ali,” the brunette offered, her voice just a little more even and strong now.

“Great, Ali. Nice to meet you.” Ashlyn pulled over a stool and sat down. “Before we get to our first session, I'd like to get to know you a little bit so I can find out how to best approach your recovery.” She glanced down at Ali's chart. “Okay, so your left leg was, wow. All three bones broken plus ligament damage in your knee. Shoulder separated, ribs broken. Four surgeries for infection. You've been through a lot.”

Ali nodded. “Too much. My surgeon said normally he would have just amputated a leg like mine, because it was so messed up.”

When Ali didn't elaborate, Ashlyn prodded, “But?”

Ali shrugged. “They go out of their way to patch up first responders.”

Ashlyn's brow furrowed as she went back to Ali's chart, chiding herself for not having read through it before walking into the room. She looked at the date of the original injury and her eyes went wide. “You were at the attacks in DC?” she asked quietly.

Ali's eyes dropped to her lap as she nodded. “We were in the staging area when the second attack happened. Two of the blasts got me.”

_Two? You're lucky to be alive._ Ashlyn didn't need to say it. She suspected Ali was well aware of the fact. Or maybe the sadness was because Ali didn't feel so lucky. So many firefighters and medics had been killed when the bombs brought into the staging area in the back of fake ambulances had exploded. Ashlyn remembered hearing how only a handful of those caught up in the blasts had even lived. Most of them had lost limbs, the reports had said. Ali was basically a miracle to still be in one piece, albeit requiring a lot of reconstruction to get her back together. “I'm sorry,” was all Ashlyn was able to get out.

“I don't want to talk about it,” Ali said with an edge to her voice.

“Okay,” Ashlyn said quietly. She took a moment to take a breath before getting back to her questions. “So, you're a...?” She let the question fall off, afraid to be getting back to a sensitive topic.

“Teacher, actually. High School. I teach German. I was just an EMT as a volunteer. Nights and weekends when I had the time.” She closed her eyes to obviously ward off tears. When she spoke again her voice almost cracked. “I won't be doing that anymore. Not sure I'll even be able to teach or coach either, I guess.”

Ashlyn resisted the urge to comment on the defeated tone in the brunette's voice and instead focused on Ali's profession, hoping that it would be an easier topic. “Okay, you teach. So you're on your feet a lot. And you said you coach?”

Ali's eyes opened and they seemed clearer and somehow less sad. “I coach the girl's varsity soccer team. I like to work on drills with them so I do a lot of running actually. I mean, I guess I don't have to if I can't in the future. I could be just a sideline coach.” Her voice drifted off for a moment as her eyes seemed to lose focus like she was thinking about something. She shrugged. “I'd miss it, but it wouldn't be the first time I had to give up on what I could previously do.”

Ashlyn's curiosity was aroused and she smiled as she asked, “What position did you play?”

“Center midfield mostly. There was talk of moving me to defense my senior year in college if I had kept playing, but I didn't. Maybe it was for the best. Who knows if I would have been any good at it.”

“Something tells me you would have managed.” Ashlyn smiled. “I was a keeper.”

That brought out a smile on Ali's face. Ashlyn knew from her own experience it was nice to find people who shared her love of the beautiful game. Seeing Ali's smile led her to believe the brunette was having a similar reaction. “Yeah, there's something about you that seems like a keeper.” Ali's smile grew and it lit up her entire face for a moment before it quickly faded.

Ashlyn couldn't help but be enamored by the momentary smile. She paused and just soaked it in before she realized she hadn't reacted to Ali's comment. “I hope that's a good thing.” Ali laughed and Ashlyn joined in, unable to resist the infectiousness of it. The rumbling laugh was probably the best one she had ever heard.

“It is. Definitely good.”

“I'm glad.” Ashlyn nodded and tried to hide the smile creeping to her lips. She cleared her throat after a moment and looked back down at the chart on her lap. As much as she wanted to just sit there and try to keep that smile on Ali's face and find ways to coax that amazing laugh out of the brunette, she had to finish up their interview so she could get back to her other patients. There would be time enough to work on those goals with Ali starting later in the afternoon during their first actual therapy session. “Okay, we'll work hard to get you back to 100% and maybe as a reward I'll let you take a few shots on me in goal. I bet you can get a few past me. But just a few.”

Ali nodded but the light had dimmed in her eyes again. “That's going to take a while, isn't it?”

Ashlyn looked up from the chart. “It is and it won't be easy. It'll hurt and it'll be frustrating, but I promise that I'll do my best to get you back out there with your team by next season.”

Ali's smile was smaller this time, like she was putting on a brave face. “I'm not afraid of hard work. It's just that, well, I don't have the best track record with PT.”

Ashlyn's brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I had to stop playing after my junior year in college. And, okay, it wasn't just the PT that was the problem, but between breaking my leg and having to recover from a pulmonary embolism, well I just never quite made it back to my previous form.” She shrugged, a sad smile on her face that told Ashlyn that Ali probably had never really come to terms with how her soccer career had ended.

“I guess we're kindred spirits then,” Ashlyn offered, surprised that she was already revealing so much about herself. “I had ACL tears each of the first two years in college. That wasn't the whole reason why I decided to hang up my gloves, but it was a big part of it. Coming back from injury is just so hard, so I get that, not just as a therapist, but as someone who's been there.”

Ali's eyes lit up a little and the tension in her body seemed to dissipate somewhat. “Good to know you get it. That'll make this a little easier.”

“Anything I can do to help.” Ashlyn stood up and kicked the stool back into the corner. “I'm going to kick your ass, Miss Krieger.” Ashlyn let her first big smile loose. She was really looking forward to working with Ali. Something told Ashlyn that the brunette would work hard and that they could also get along well with one another. It might even be fun for both of them, at least once Ali got through the most painful initial stages. “I'll be back after lunch to get you for our first session.”

“I'll see you then, Ashlyn.” Ali's smile was hesitant but genuine.

Ashlyn returned Ali's smile with what she hoped looked like an easy grin. She knew that working with Ali was going to be a challenge. Not so much because of her injuries, even though they were severe and would take a lot of work to overcome, but because of the pain she obviously held inside. But if there was someone who understood demons and how they were near impossible to shake, it was Ashlyn. The blonde just hoped that working closely with Ali wouldn't cause those demons to resurface after all the years she had managed to bury them deep inside where they couldn't hurt her anymore.

“Til then, Ali.”

* * *

 

Their first session went as well as could have been expected. Ali was still recovering from her shoulder injury and Ashlyn wasn't sure she could hold up her weight on her own, so they decided to wait a few days before trying to have Ali walk. Besides, this way they could focus on standing and balance before moving on to the much more difficult task of Ali taking a step on her reconstructed leg.

Ashlyn hadn't lied. Even just standing or moving her shoulder in circles was painful and hard. She hadn't felt that drained since she had suffered the pulmonary embolism that led to the end of her soccer career. But this time she at least understood why she was so exhausted. Ali thought back on the struggles she had had in college between the embolism and the poor healing of her leg and could only pray that this time around things would be better. It seemed almost impossible, after all her injuries were so much worse than the simple fracture she'd suffered in college. But at least this time she had far less to lose. She had already lost so many of her friends in the blasts. Being able to walk or run again really didn't seem all that important. Maybe being an invalid was the price she had to pay for surviving that horrible day.

That wasn't to say that Ali didn't want to succeed at therapy. She wanted to get back to her life, somehow, even if that seemed like such a pipe dream from where she was. It had been so hard for her to hang up her boots, so hard in fact that she had run away as far as she could just to find time to come to terms with it. But to think of being actually disabled for the rest of her life, well that was something that would be devastating. No amount of running away would ever make that okay.

When Ali finally sat back into her wheelchair, beads of sweat on her brow and her heart racing, she let out a quiet chuckle. “I feel like I just played 90-plus.”

“Recovery can be harder than any game, Ali.” Ashlyn scooted her wheeled stool over to sit facing the brunette. “So, where did you play?”

“Penn State,” Ali said with a slight wistful smile.

“Good school,” Ashlyn said. She laughed a little to herself. “It's not UNC when it comes to soccer, but still not bad,” she said with a grin.

“You went to UNC? Wow, now that is impressive.” If there was one school that could be considered a powerhouse in women's soccer, especially when Ali had played, it was UNC. “How did you like playing there?”

“Well, technically, I didn't really play there. I seemed to have a knack for getting injured before the season got started.” There was a shadow that seemed to fall over Ashlyn and it intrigued Ali. The blonde shrugged. “It just wasn't meant to be.”

Ali understood. Coming back from a major injury wasn't even all about the physical work, it was about the mental and emotional, too. Hard work could only go so far when trying to get back to such a high level. Ali was kind of relieved that this time she didn't have to try to get back to a playing level beyond a light jog and some simple dribbling. She'd lost the desire to fight and scrape only to have her biggest dreams be crushed. She sighed and was glad that she had a kindred spirit in Ashlyn. “So, UNC, you must have been...Wait, now that I think about it, your name seems familiar. Did you ever play on a national squad?”

Ashlyn nodded. “Yeah, I was in the system for a few years.”

Ali thought about it for a few moments before it came to her. “You played in that first U-19 World Cup, didn't you? I remember following that. Oh my God, it was you.” Ali's eyes were wide in surprise. Now she truly understood how big of a deal it must have been for Ashlyn to give up her career. She had been heralded as a possible future goalkeeper for the senior team. “Weren't you really young in that tournament?”

Ashlyn nodded. “I was sixteen. Well almost seventeen.” She shrugged. “That was a long time ago.”

“Still, you could have...” She stopped then, knowing how she hated to be reminded of the promise of her own career, how she had dreamed of playing professionally, of making her way onto the national team and winning major tournaments. Ashlyn likely didn't want to remember how her future had been lying out before her like a red carpet to soccer success if not for her injuries. “I'm sorry,” she whispered quietly.

Ashlyn sighed. “Thanks. I know you get how hard it was to give up those dreams, but they're behind me now. It's been years since I decided it was just too much to overcome. It wasn't easy, but things have gotten better.” She gave a slightly forced smile. “Just like you'll get better.”

“I know,” Ali answered quietly. “You've seen a lot of bad injuries, right? Be honest with me, do you really think I'll make a good recovery?”

Ashlyn put her hands on the armrests of Ali's wheelchair and pulled her stool closer. Her eyes were looking directly into Ali's, so much so that it made the brunette uncomfortable even though she couldn't look away. “I can't really tell you one way or the other, to be honest. I've seen some people with very serious injuries make amazing recoveries. I've seen people with lesser injuries be impacted by their injuries for the rest of their lives. But I think, really I do, if you work hard, then things will turn out pretty well. I can't guarantee you'll be exactly like you were before, I'm sure you know that, but we'll get you walking and hopefully running with ease, okay?”

“Okay,” Ali said, feeling a little less than confident at Ashlyn's evaluation of her prospects for recovery.

“Good,” Ashlyn said as she pushed back from Ali and stood up. “Now, let's get you back to your room. You've worked hard and you need some rest so you can get back to it tomorrow.”

Ali just nodded and let out a sigh as Ashlyn motioned for an orderly to come over and push her back to her room. She had a long way to go, and that was just the physical recovery. Something told her that would be the easiest part.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? Please let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the awesome comments and kudos. I so appreciate it and am glad you're all along for the ride.
> 
> This one might be a bit tough to read. Sorry, but we need to see where Ali is at her worst. It's pretty much uphill from here. Promise.

Ali tried to shift her leg, but winced at the pain that shot up from her ankle into her torso. “Damn, you'd think it wouldn't hurt so much anymore,” she said as she clenched her eyes while the pain passed.

“You know what the doctor said, Alex, the pain is going to get worse as you start to use it,” her mother said from where she was seated in the guest chair.

“I know, Mom, it's just frustrating is all.” She loved her mother, she really did, but sometimes even dealing with her was too much. At least since the attacks. “So, when are you heading home?”

“Trying to get rid of me?” Debbie asked as she gave Ali a knowing look. “I guess you're just too old now to need your mom.”

“It's been two months,” Ali said, knowing she was being short with her mother and really not caring that much.

Debbie sighed heavily. “Fine, if you want me to leave, I'll leave. I just need to get a plane ticket and I'll be out of your hair.”

“Mom,” she started and then sighed, realizing that she was hurting her mother when she didn't need to. “I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate you being here.” She closed her eyes and took two deep breaths before she continued. “It's just so hard and sometimes I don't know how to handle you or Dad or anyone else. I know that's not like me, but...” She swallowed hard as she fought the desire to keep her feelings to herself. She knew she had to try to let some of the pain out, at least with those she trusted and loved the most. “I'm different now. I'm not your carefree Alex anymore. I don't think I'll ever be her again.” It was hard to admit, but she needed to face reality. And her mother did too.

Debbie nodded and Ali could see tears building in her eyes. When she spoke her voice sounded choked with emotion. “I know you're bound to be different, Alex, but that doesn't mean you can't find some joy in life again. You have so many people who love you and just want to find a way to help you. Maybe if you let us, instead of pushing us away, it'd be easier.”

“It's not that simple, Mom.” Ali pushed the pain down deep inside so she wouldn't start to cry. She hated talking about the attack and how it had destroyed her life, but she had to make her mother understand. “It's been ten years since I lost soccer. I lost the one thing in life that I had a passion for above all others. It was so hard to come to terms with that, you know that. If I hadn't run off to Europe to try to find a way to move on, I think I would have gone crazy. But I can't run from this. I literally can't. I'm trapped here, inside my head, inside this body that used to be able to do amazing things and now I can't even stand without help. And all I hear from you, from Dad and Kyle, from my friends, is 'it'll get better Alex' and 'just work hard and you'll be fine'. You know what? Sure, my body might get better. Hell, it better because it can't get much worse. But I'm not sure my head will get better, Mom. Maybe some things just can't be fixed.”

Debbie slid her chair over until it was almost touching Ali's bed. She grabbed her daughter's hand so tight it made the younger woman wince. “You listen to me, Alex, and you listen good. We tell you those things, because they're the truth. You will get better. We're not naive. We know you won't ever be exactly the same. None of us will. But you'll heal. Your body and your mind. You just have to give it time and work hard at it. You've never shied away from hard work before. You're not that kind of person. And we'll all be here to help you.”

Ali knew her mother was just trying to be there for her, to support her, but it all felt like such a waste. She rolled her head away and yanked her hand out of her grasp. “Maybe I don't want your help,” she said, tears finally spilling out over her cheeks.

“You do,” Debbie said calmly. “You just don't know it yet.”

Ali blinked, trying to chase away the tears without wiping at her face, but it was to no avail. Her mother just would never understand what this felt like, how hard it was to even draw in each breath when it felt like she shouldn't even be there. She had to let her know. “I should be dead,” she whispered, just loud enough that she knew her mother would hear her. “I wish I were.”

“What?”

“I wish I had died out there in that parking lot,” she replied, stronger this time. “I should have died like Rick, like Jim and Brian, like all my friends that day. If only one of us could have lived, it should have been someone else.” She clenched her jaw and barely ground out, “I don't want this. I don't want to be the only one who lived.”

“Alex, don't say that.”

“It's the fucking truth,” Ali shouted as she turned to her mother. “I wish I had died out there and there's nothing you can do to change that. So, just get out!” When her mother just sat there in utter shock, Ali yelled louder, “Get the fuck out!” She then turned her back on her mother and closed her eyes tightly, tears quickly turning to sobs.

It wasn't until much later, when she had finally cried herself out, that she turned to look at where her mother had been, only to find an empty chair. That just made the tears come back again.

* * *

When Ashlyn went into Ali's room later that morning to get her for their daily session, she found the brunette staring off at the wall, a distant and pained look in her eyes. Ashlyn frowned as she went over and looked down at Ali, hands on her hips. “You okay?”

“Been better,” Ali muttered without looking up at Ashlyn.

“What's wrong?”

“Everything,” Ali said before sighing heavily. She then finally looked up at Ashlyn with red and swollen eyes. “I was an ass to my mother. She's just trying to help, but...” The emotion seemed to choke off her voice and she shook her head before averting her gaze. “I don't know what's wrong with me.”

Ashlyn felt her heart clench at the pain Ali was clearly going through. She went over and sat on the rolling stool before pushing it toward Ali's bed. She ducked her head until she was in the brunette's line of sight. “You've been through a lot, Ali. I'm sure your mom understands that you're just frustrated and scared.”

“I'm not scared,” Ali bit back. “I'm just...” She shook her head and went back to staring at the wall. “I shouldn't be here.”

“Okay, then where should you be?”

Ali swallowed loudly and she bit at her lip. “You'll just tell me I'm being stupid.”

Ashlyn reached out and gently touched Ali's shoulder until the brunette finally looked at her. “I won't. I promise.”

A tear spilled out of Ali's eye. “Why was I the only one to live from my crew? We were all in that truck together. If anyone should have lived, it should have been Brian. He had a little son who barely got to know him. Or Jim. He'd just joined a few months before and was saving up to go to college. Or maybe Mike. He was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him on Valentine's Day. What was so special about me, so lucky? I should have died that day and instead I'm stuck here and I feel so guilty that I lived.” She started crying in earnest now. “I can't do this anymore.”

Ashlyn wanted to cry herself, but held it in. Instead, she nodded, taking in Ali's admission and working through a response that wouldn't make the brunette feel horrible for feeling what she was feeling. “Okay, I get that you're feeling like this. It's hard. It's horrible. And it's only understandable that you are thinking these things. Anyone would. But, listen, I want to ask you a question. Please don't think I'm trying to make you feel bad for what you're feeling, okay? I just want to play a little devil's advocate.”

Ali blinked back her tears and took a deep breath before looking Ashlyn in the eyes. “Okay.”

“If you had died and one of your friends had lived, and they felt the way you do right now, what would you want to tell them?”

Ali let out a long breath that seemed to deflate her. “I'd tell them I was happy that they survived. I would tell them to live their life to the fullest, because they got a second chance and I didn't.” From her tone, she'd been asked this question before and was almost answering from rote. Then, she sniffed in, obviously trying to keep fresh tears from falling. “It's really much easier to say those things than to believe them.”

“I know.” Ashlyn leaned forward and resisted the urge to reach out and take Ali's hand. They barely knew one another after all, and Ashlyn had to restrain herself from crossing the boundary she needed to keep between them. “I get that you don't want to hear that it'll get easier and that there will be a time when you want to live life again.”

“No, I don't,” Ali said as she finally reached up and wiped at her eyes to clear the tears pooling there. “I'm not sure I ever will.”

“I'll make a deal with you, then,” Ashlyn said, a small smile coming to her lips. When Ali nodded slightly, she smiled even wider. “You keep me posted about when you're ready to hear it. Until then, I'll just worry about getting you up out of that bed. Besides, I'm betting that will help you with wanting to get back to life again.”

“Deal,” Ali said, and Ashlyn saw just the smallest hint of a smile. Then it disappeared. “I should call my mom and tell her I'm sorry.”

Ashlyn reached over to the bedside table and handed Ali her phone. “I”ll give you a few minutes.”

“Thanks,” Ali said, her smile bigger this time.

Ashlyn returned the brunette's grin before going out into the hallway. Once alone there, she fell back heavily against the wall and sighed. “Oh, Ali.”

* * *

Ali stared at her phone for a moment, unable to initiate the call to her mother. Instead, she called her brother. She just wasn't ready to deal with her mother and figured a pep talk from Kyle would do her wonders. “Hey,” was all she managed to get out when he answered.

“You woke me up,” he said sleepily. “You okay?”

“I yelled at Mom,” she said, all emotion missing from her voice. It was easier that way, to be detached from her feelings. Sometimes she figured it was the only way she was going to get through life. It was at least far better than constantly crying.

“What did she do now?”

Ali smiled. Kyle got her, at least somewhat. He knew what it was like to be self-destructive and not really want to live. And while he would never support Ali's dark thoughts, and in fact often tried to talk her out of them just as she had for him back when he was using, he at least got it. “She wasn't listening to me. I mean really listening.”

“You know why she's not listening, right?” Kyle somehow managed to keep the condescension out of his voice.

“Well, yeah. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say right now.” Of course her mother didn't. Who would want to hear their child wish that they were dead? And Ali understood that, even if she had a hard time seeing the positive side of what her mother was trying to tell her. “I don't want to hear it right now, either. I hate that I feel like this. I don't want to.”

She could hear Kyle sigh quietly. “Ali, listen, I get it. I really do. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want to stop all the negativity in my life and get off of drugs and alcohol. But that darkness is so easy to fall into. You'll find your way out of it. I know you. But it'll only happen when you're ready. It's going to take some time. Just promise me something?”

“What?” she asked, feeling resigned to whatever promise he was going to ask of her. She would do anything for her big brother.

“If you feel like you can't get out of the darkness, call me. Or call Mom or Dad. Call a friend. Just reach out. I get that sometimes it feels like you won't ever see the light again, but it's out there. I'm proof of that. You just have to give yourself time to find it.”

Ali nodded, a tear trickling down her cheek. “I promise. Damn, I wish you were here right now.” It had been over a month since Kyle had had to return to Los Angeles and his job. She missed him every single day.

“Well,” he drew out and she could practically hear the smile in his voice. “I wasn't going to tell you this until it was certain, because I don't want to get your hopes up, but it's looking like almost a done deal. I'm in final talks with a salon in Georgetown.”

“What?” That both perked her up and instantly made her feel guilty. “But DC isn't LA, Kyle. You'll be taking a step back in your career. I don't want you to do that for me.”

“Now, Alexandra, you just let me decide what I want to do with my life, okay? Besides, I've missed having four seasons.”

She couldn't help but laugh. Somehow Kyle always managed to make her laugh, no matter her mood. “That's about the lamest reason you could come up with to convince me you want to come back here.”

“Okay, fine,” he said, a little more serious. “I'm your big brother. Let me help take care of you for once. You took such good care of me when I was first getting sober.”

Ali let out a sigh of resignation. “Okay, thank you. I appreciate it and I can't wait to see you again.”

“So, now that the cat's out of the bag, how's rehab?”

Ali smiled despite herself. “I have this very cool physical therapist. She used to be a seriously good goalkeeper until she had to give it up because of injuries. We've bonded over our failed soccer dreams. She seems to really get me.”

“Awesome. Well, not awesome about the failed dreams, but awesome that she gets you. I hope she kicks your ass and gets you up out of that bed. I bet that will really help your outlook.”

“Probably,” Ali replied, even though she wasn't that convinced.

“Oh, baby sis, that didn't sound too positive.”

“Probably!” Ali repeated, faking a positive tone in her voice.

“Yeah, that was pretty lame, too, but at least you're trying. Listen, I better get my ass out of bed and you need to call Mom and apologize for being a bitch.”

“I know. I will once my therapy session is over. Ashlyn—that's my therapist—she's waiting out in the hall. She thinks I'm calling Mom now, to be honest.” She was a little afraid of disappointing the blonde.

“Well, I'll let you get to it then. I love you, Ali. And I'll talk to you later. You call me anytime you need or want to. Even if it means I don't get all my beauty rest.”

“I love you, too.” She couldn't help but smile. Really, if there was one person in the world that she would go through any amount of shittiness for, it was her brother. Just knowing he was out there supporting her was what got her through more moments than she'd care to admit. “I'll text or call later after I talk to Mom. Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Anytime. Have a good therapy session.”

“Thanks,” she said with another smile. “Bye.” She hung up the phone and let out a deep breath. While she probably should have called her mother, and the guilt of it did still linger, she knew that she had needed to talk to her brother more. And it had done her more good than anything she could have imagined. She finally felt like she wanted to get out of bed, wanted to work on her therapy. For a few moments, she felt like she wanted to live. She hung onto that feeling as tightly as she could. Looking toward the open door to her room, she called out, “I'm done.”

Ashlyn peeked her head around the door frame and smiled brightly. “Great, you ready to do some standing?”

Ali smiled broadly, hoping Ashlyn could see it was at least somewhat genuine. “Can't wait!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing faster than I thought I would, so here's a bonus chapter for the week. A little lunch "date" :) Enjoy.
> 
> As always, thanks a ton for your kudos and comments. Love them and they are real motivators to write faster.

Ashlyn pushed Ali's wheelchair back into her room herself, having decided she could handle getting the brunette back into bed on her own. Well, mostly Ashlyn wanted to spend a few more minutes with Ali, but that wasn't something she was quite willing to admit out loud. “Back to your humble abode.”

“Oh, joy,” Ali said, her voice boiling over with sarcasm.

“You can spiff it up, you know.” Ali had been given a private room thanks to the benefits she received from the fire department, so it wasn't like she had to worry about a roommate's wants or desires.

“Should I paint the walls?” Ali's voice sounded like she was irritated.

Ashlyn chose to ignore it. “Well, a picture or two wouldn't hurt. Do you like flowers? Or plants? I could stop and get you something tomorrow on my way in.” Ashlyn just wanted her to have something to brighten up the drab room, something that might make the brunette smile when she looked at it.

Ali sighed. “I'm sorry. I'm still not feeling exactly my best, whatever that is now.” She smiled then and it seemed genuine. “I wouldn't mind some color if you could get me some flowers. Just let me know how much it is and I'll pay you back.”

“Deal,” Ashlyn said with a bright smile of her own. Finally, she felt like she was starting to see a few cracks in Ali's facade that didn't have to do just with soccer. While they had had a good therapy session, and Ashlyn had even managed to get Ali to laugh twice, most of the time it was like talking to a brick wall. Ali just seemed like she was trying so hard not to show her emotions. “Now, how about we get you standing and then get you into bed?”

“I'm already starting to hate that bed,” Ali lamented.

“Well, it's time for my lunch break. How about we put you in the chair and then...” She stopped, feeling like she was pushing things too much.

“Then?” Ali asked, her left eyebrow rising up inquisitively.

“Well, I could go get my lunch and eat it here. Then I'd be around to help you back into bed afterward. That is, if you don't mind the company. Don't feel like you have to say yes.” Ashlyn felt a little embarrassed heat rising in her cheeks.

Ali's smile actually lit up her brown eyes for once. “I'd love that. I don't think I could face that sorry excuse for food that they serve here without good company.”

Ashlyn smiled brightly at Ali's acceptance of her idea. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she was already looking forward to any amount of time she got to spend with the brunette. “Great. Let's get you settled and then I'll go get my lunch from the lounge and go find your tray. It should be ready by now.”

It took them a few moments to get Ali up out of her wheelchair and then to have her pivot and sit in the guest chair. Ashlyn then pushed the wheelchair up toward Ali so that the brunette would be able to elevate her leg. Getting the brace-covered leg up onto the wheelchair was the most complicated part of the maneuver, especially since Ashlyn didn't want to jar Ali at all. She had just finished a therapy session and was understandably tired, not to mention certainly in some discomfort from all the standing they had done. Banging her leg on the wheelchair would have likely caused quite a bit of pain and ruined the atmosphere that Ashlyn was hoping to have for Ali to enjoy.

“Okay, I'll be right back. My lunch is in the staff fridge. Three minutes tops.”

“I think I can handle it,” Ali said with an amused grin.

“I'm sure you can.” Ashlyn gave her a wink before turning and heading toward the staff lounge. She didn't want to leave Ali alone for any longer than necessary. Really, she didn't want to miss out on any time she could spend with the brunette, but she told herself that wasn't quite as important, even though she knew she was lying to herself.

* * *

Ali watched Ashlyn leave the room and then let out a sigh of relief. It felt good to just sit upright in something other than a wheelchair. It had been almost two months since she had been able to just sit and rest and it felt amazing. She leaned back heavily into the chair and relished the soft plush fabric and padded cushions. “Ahhh,” she let out with a smile on her face, letting her mind go blank and just enjoying the peace.

“Lunch is served,” Ashlyn's voice entered the room a second before the blonde came bursting in.

Ali couldn't help but smile brightly at the infectiousness of Ashlyn's entrance. “So, what form of institutional gunk are they subjecting me to today?”

Ashlyn looked at the tray and shrugged. “Doesn't look bad. A ham and cheese sandwich, side salad, fruit cup, and, um, I think that's potato salad, but I might be mistaken.” She put the tray down on Ali's lap. “Yeah, has to be. They wouldn't give you the lumpy mashed potatoes with a sandwich.”

“Delish,” Ali said sarcastically as she started probing the sandwich's innards.

“What do you want to drink? I can run down to the vending machines for you.”

Ali looked up and her eyes twinkled. “You know what I would love? A Coke. Like a full octane, give me a sugar high Coke.”

Ashlyn bowed. “Your wish is my command. One Coke, on me.” She put her lunch bag down on the foot of Ali's bed and quickly left the room.

About two seconds later, Ali's phone went off indicating she had a text. She fished it out of her pocket and looked at the message that popped up on the screen from her mother.

_Got my ticket to head home. I'll be out of your hair on Friday. Is that soon enough?_

Ali instantly felt horrible. She should have called her mother right away to apologize, but she had procrastinated and now she was going to have to really work to make this right. She knew she had hurt her mother, but part of her was really hoping she would realize it was just Ali's frustration and pain speaking. She certainly hadn't wanted to make her mother feel unwelcome. It had all just come out wrong.

“What's wrong?” Ashlyn was standing in the doorway, a big frown on her face.

Ali looked up at her and sighed. “My mom texted me. She took me seriously earlier and booked her flight home for Friday.” Ali frowned as she looked back down at her phone. “I need to call her.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Ashlyn put the drinks down on the bedside table and motioned with her head to the door.

Ali shook her head as she fiddled with her phone. “No, it's okay. You know everything anyway.” She put the phone up to her ear and waited for a moment. When her mom answered, she took a deep breath and said, “Hi, Mom. I got your text.”

“So, is that soon enough for you, Alex?” Her mother was definitely not hiding how hurt she was by the tone of her voice.

Ali closed her eyes and let out a deep breath, steeling herself for her apology. “I'm sorry. I don't really want you to go. I was just having a bad day.”

“Or maybe your bad day allowed you to say what you're really thinking. So, do you want me to go or not? I can't keep bouncing back and forth.”

Ali couldn't help but roll her eyes. Sometimes her mother could lay it on pretty thick. “It's up to you, Mom. If you want to go, then you can go. I won't be mad. I mean, I know you're taking time off work to be here. But don't leave because you think I don't want you here. I love you and I love that you've been here for me from day one. I...” Her voice cracked then and she swallowed hard to get the words out. “I still need you.”

“Alex, I...” Her mother's voice sounded suddenly shaky. “Of course I don't want to go. You're my baby girl and I will always be there for you whenever you need me. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Ali whispered.

“I'm glad. Listen, I'll come over this evening and bring you some dinner. I'll stop and get us something from Hunan Wok. We can talk about it then, okay?”

That made her feel slightly better, like there was hope to fix this with her mother before she had a chance to head home and the distance and pain between them might never be properly mended. “Okay, I'll see you when you get here and we'll talk about it then. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” her mother replied. “See you tonight. Bye.”

“Bye.” She hung up the phone and put it down on the arm of her chair.

“Not good?” Ashlyn asked quietly.

“No, it's fine,” Ali said, but she still wasn't sure so she was afraid she might sound like she was lying. “I'm sure she can change her flight, but she wants to talk about it when she gets here this evening for dinner. We'll figure it out.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Let's not let that ruin our lunch. Come on, I've got this scrumptious sandwich and you've got...” She looked curiously at the lunch bag Ashlyn had put on the bed.

Ashlyn went over and grabbed the drinks first, handing the Coke to Ali, before grabbing her lunch bag. “Just some leftover meatloaf from this place I like to get take out from. I don't usually cook.”

Ali looked Ashlyn up and down and smirked. “Why doesn't that surprise me?”

Ashlyn pointed to herself. “Are you saying I don't seem domestic?”

Ali laughed one of her deep laughs. “Well, are you?”

“Um, no,” Ashlyn answered sheepishly. “You?”

Ali shrugged. “I've gotten much better since I went to Europe.” She smiled but just the thought of that carefree time in Germany made her a little sad. Her life was so much more simple then, even with all the pain of coming to terms with losing her soccer career. “I didn't have much money the two years I was over there. I had to cook or I wouldn't have eaten much.”

Ashlyn opened up her container of cold meatloaf and asked, “Europe? What were you doing there?”

Ali looked down at her tray and sighed, hating the reminder of how much she had needed to just flee school, her friends, her life. “I went over there after I realized I couldn't make it back to the level I was at with my soccer and decided to hang it up. When I quit, I lost my scholarship, and besides I didn't want to stay at school if I wasn't playing. It would have been torture. So, I got a job teaching English in Germany. I got to do some traveling while I was there, but mostly I just stayed in Germany. That's how I learned the language.”

Ashlyn took a bite of her meatloaf and chewed it for a few moments. Finally, she swallowed and spoke. “I had the same problem when I decided I couldn't continue. I mean, I didn't go off to Europe, although I admit that would have been a great idea if I'd thought of it. I spent a year at home in Florida going through a pretty rough time until I decided I needed to get my shit together and get on with life. That was when I decided to go into physical therapy. I figured I already knew a ton about it after all my injuries, so it seemed like a snap.” She laughed with a shake of her head. “Yeah, it wasn't. The program kicked my ass. And I loved every minute of it.”

Ali forced a smile on her face. “That's great that you found a second passion.”

Ashlyn shrugged. “Well, I wouldn't say it was quite the passion I would have had for a soccer career, but it's a reasonably close second. Do you love teaching?”

Ali thought about it. It was something she didn't usually allow herself to ponder, because she was afraid of the answer. But, being a few months removed from teaching allowed her to see it more objectively than she normally would. Or maybe she was missing it as something to do rather than spend most of the day in bed watching TV or staring at the walls. “Mostly. I wouldn't say it's a close second to soccer, but I usually enjoy going to work. It's great to see kids learn something cool and my classes are pretty small since not too many kids want to learn German. Most kids take Spanish at our school. So, I get to have a pretty good relationship with my kids.” She thought about how much she really wanted to get back to school and see them all again. “I miss them,” she finally said with a sad smile. “And I worry about them.”

“Have any of them come to see you?” Ashlyn asked around a piece of meatloaf.

Ali sighed. “Some of my players tried, but I wasn't ready to see anyone besides my immediate family. And now it's the middle of their season so I'm sure they're all really busy.” She picked at her sandwich, suddenly not feeling particularly hungry. “When do you think I might be able to move to being on outpatient therapy?” She had already missed two months of school. She would need to let the school administration know soon when she might be back to work.

Ashlyn seemed to ponder for a moment and then shrugged. “When is the end of the school year?”

“I think it's June 17th, but I might be wrong. I'm not sure how many snow days they used this year.”

Ashlyn bit at her lip and her eyes dropped to Ali's leg, as if looking at it would allow her to gauge when Ali would be able to get back to work. “I'm guessing it wouldn't be worth it to go back for a week or two, so I'd say you'll probably have to wait. If you teach summer school then you can probably do that.”

“Okay,” Ali said, feeling a little disappointed at the fact that it could be more than two months until she was able to get back to work. She had hoped it would be sooner, but she trusted Ashlyn and knew from experience that rushing through an injury recovery or doing too much—like flying all over the country shortly after breaking your leg—could be costly. Very costly.

“Hey, you're doing really well.” Ashlyn smiled one of her bright smiles that brought out the dimple on her left cheek. Ali had to admit it was absolutely adorable. “Really, for just a few days in, you're doing more than I figured you would. I was betting a week until you could stand for more than five minutes and you already did seven this morning.” She raised her Diet Coke in salute. “Hats off.”

“Thanks,” Ali said, feeling a little heat come to her face at being praised for doing something as simple as standing. Still, it felt good to be ahead of schedule. “I have a good therapist,” Ali countered as she raised her own soda toward Ashlyn.

“So, we're just awesome together then,” Ashlyn said, her smile changing until it looked like she was being hesitant or shy even.

It made Ali curious what brought it on, but she kept it to herself, not wanting to embarrass Ashlyn. “We better stop blabbering,” Ali said as she pointed down at Ashlyn's oversized watch. “I'm sure you have another patient to see soon and I have my first appointment with my new shrink in a little while.”

Ashlyn nodded. “I have ten minutes.”

“Well, then eat up,” Ali prodded, a smile coming to her lips as she watched Ashlyn focus on finishing her lunch. She really was lucky to get Ashlyn as her therapist. It had only been a few days and she already couldn't imagine going on this long, and certainly arduous, journey without her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. I'll probably post the next chapter on Monday. Til then!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, and kudos-ing (yeah, so not a word). Glad you're enjoying things.
> 
> A day late for Mother's Day, but time for some Debbie interaction and insight!

Ali smiled as her mother came into her room, knowing that she was going to have to really pour on the charm to make things better with her. “Hey, you, how are you?”

Debbie shrugged a little as she set the bag of Chinese food down on the foot of Ali's bed. “Not really sure, I guess. How about you?” Her tone was definitely hesitant.

“I'm good. Better, I guess is the right word.” Ali pushed herself up to a full sitting position and held her arm out, indicating she wanted to hug her mother. When Debbie came over to embrace her, Ali said, “I'm really sorry for being such a bitch earlier.”

“Language,” her mother said with a little bit of a chuckle. Debbie stepped back out of the hug and looked at her daughter, a swirl of sadness in her dark eyes. “I know things are hard for you right now and have been for the last two months. I'm sure it's getting frustrating.”

Ali's smile turned to a slight frown. “It is, but that's no excuse for being such a meanie.” She took a deep breath. “I don't want you to leave. I mean, I know you have to get back to work sooner or later, but if you can stay a little longer that would be great.” She let out a quiet chuckle. “I don't think poor Dad will be able to handle the invalid on his own. And Kyle won't...” She stopped, realizing she probably wasn't supposed to say anything to her mother.

“Kyle won't?” Debbie sat down on the edge of Ali's bed. “What won't my darling son be doing?”

Sometimes, Ali had to admit, she needed to learn to think before she spoke. “I'm not sure I'm supposed to say anything.”

“Do you want your dinner?” There was the smallest twinkle in her mother's eyes.

“You don't play fair.” Ali let out a quiet sigh. “Kyle told me that he's probably coming back to DC. He's almost certainly got a job at a salon in Georgetown.”

“Well, that's interesting.” Debbie's tone didn't really give much away about how she felt about this latest development.

“Obviously, he's coming back to help me out. I told him he didn't need to. I know it's not exactly a step up in his career.” Ali shook her head. “I wish he wouldn't, but you know how much he likes to be my big brother. I swear I think he still believes part of the reason I didn't succeed with my PT last time was because I was so worried about his recovery.” She rolled her eyes.

“Well, it didn't help.”

Ali sighed heavily. Sure, it hadn't helped, but Kyle's life was so much more important than anything else. Having Kyle to worry about had certainly taken some of her energy away from therapy, but when he had finally called to tell her he was ready to get clean, she had had no doubts that she would be there for him, no matter the cost. His continued success at staying sober meant everything to her. “No, it didn't help. And maybe he's even right. But I don't care. I'd take Kyle over soccer every time.”

Debbie's smile was wistful. “I know and I'm glad you would. You're a big part of why he's still alive today.” Debbie patted Ali's leg. “Let him pay you back. He can go back to LA once you're much better.” Debbie's smile grew. “Besides, I'll be up here as much as I can be and it'll be good to see my baby boy, too.”

Ali laughed. “You know he hates it when you call him that.”

Debbie leaned in and whispered like she was conspiring with Ali. “Why do you think I still call him that?” Her mother sat up then and nodded to Ali. “I'll stick around until you're a little more mobile. I already said not to expect me back this school year. I don't want to leave anyway.”

Ali chuckled quietly. “I knew you were kind of bluffing.”

Debbie shook her head. “Oh, I wasn't bluffing, Alex. I know you're hurting and I know you didn't want to take it out on me, but I'm not going to be your punching bag either. You understand that? I expect you to respect me. I'm still your mother.”

“Of course. I'm really sorry. I'll try super hard not to blow up at you again.”

“Good.” Debbie grabbed the bag of food from the foot of Ali's bed. “Now, how about that Chinese food?”

* * *

 

Ashlyn could barely keep herself from whistling a tune as she walked toward Ali's room. She had slipped out after her last patient and ran down to the florist a few miles away. She just couldn't wait to see the smile on Ali's face when she gave her the colorful bouquet. As she reached her door, Ashlyn could hear two voices and she paused, trying to determine if she could intrude.

“Okay, being here instead of the hospital has one advantage,” she heard Ali say. “You can finally bring me food. I've missed this so much.”

“Well, I'll be sure to bring you take out every night then,” a slightly lower woman's voice replied.

“No!” Ali's voice was quite loud. “I'll get fat!”

Ashlyn chuckled as she knocked on the door and stuck her head in through the frame. “Mind if I interrupt for just a minute?”

Ali's face lit up and for a moment it was like all the pain in her life was just gone. Ashlyn finally felt like she was getting a glimpse of the woman Ali was before the attack and that one flash made her heart pound in her chest. “Ashlyn!” Ali called out to her. “Of course. I want you to meet my mom.”

As Ashlyn walked in and gave Ali's mother an easy smile she noticed two things. First, she was getting a look at what Ali would look like when she was older, because the resemblance between her and her mother was almost uncanny. The second thing was the almost comical look on the older woman's face as she looked from the flowers in Ashlyn's right hand to her face. Ashlyn blushed as she realized Ali's mother must have thought there was some ulterior motive to the flowers. The blonde didn't let herself dwell too much on whether she was right.

Ali's voice snapped both Ashlyn and her mother out of their brief focus on one another. “Ashlyn, this is my mother, Debbie. Mom, this is my new physio, Ashlyn.”

“You can call me Deb or Debbie. Either is fine.” Debbie offered her hand.

Ashlyn shifted the bouquet to her left arm before shaking it firmly. “It's nice to meet you. I'm enjoying working with your daughter.”

“She can be a real handful,” Debbie said with a quick chuckle as she sat back in the guest chair.

“I'm right here,” Ali protested.

Ashlyn just laughed. She then held the bouquet out to Ali. “For you. I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I had a little free time to run out today. I hope you like them.”

“Oh, Ashlyn, they're beautiful,” Ali said, her eyes lighting up as she looked at the flowers. As Ashlyn gave them to her, Ali pulled them up to her face and inhaled deeply. “Thank you so much. How much do I owe you?”

Ashlyn waved it off. “Don't worry about it. First one's on me.” She caught the slightly raised eyebrow Debbie was giving her, but tried to ignore it.

Ali looked like she was going to protest but then just smiled broadly. “Thank you,” she said as she leaned to put the bouquet on her bedside table.

Ashlyn quickly grabbed it from her hand and gently placed it onto the table. “There, that looks much better,” she said quietly with a smile toward Ali. The brunette responded with a bright smile that made her eyes twinkle and that brought out a flutter of butterflies in Ashlyn's stomach. _Shit. Keep it professional, Harris._ Ashlyn shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “And it's no problem really. I'm happy to provide a little color to your life. There's a florist on my way here. And, besides, in my medical opinion, it can only help your recovery.”

Debbie laughed quietly. “You're very thoughtful, Ashlyn. Do you go out of your way for all your patients?”

 _Only the beautiful ones._ But of course she couldn't say that out loud. Instead she found a partial truth she could admit. “If they really need it. I try to do what I can.”

There was just a bit of a knowing suspicion in Debbie's expression as she nodded. “You're very thoughtful,” she repeated.

Ashlyn felt heat rising in her cheeks. She muttered, “Thanks,” and quickly looked back at Ali. “You enjoy them and I'll see you tomorrow. I need to get going and you have some delicious food to eat. It smells amazing. And, no, I'm not angling for any.”

Ali laughed and Ashlyn couldn't help but chuckle along with her. It was just that infectious. The brunette pointed her chop sticks down at her food. “You don't know what you're missing. Anyway, thank you so much for the flowers. They are really amazing and it totally made my day.”

“Anything to see you smile.” The words were out before Ashlyn could consider the ramifications.

Ali's smile became a little shy and some color came to her cheeks as she nodded silently.

“It was nice meeting you,” Debbie said, tearing Ashlyn's attention away from Ali.

“Nice to meet you, too,” Ashlyn replied and suddenly she wanted to get out of the room. There was something about Debbie's eyes that made her uneasy. “And I'll see you tomorrow,” she said with a smile in Ali's direction.

“Good night, Ashlyn,” Ali said softly. Almost too softly.

“Night.” With a final nod she left the room. She waited until she was around the corner before she stopped and let out a long breath. “Fuck am I in trouble.”

* * *

 

“She likes you,” Debbie said to Ali, a small grin on her lips.

“I like her, too. She's really nice and funny.” She pointed at the flowers. “I mean, she went out and got me flowers.”

“That's what I'm saying.”

“Um, okay,” Ali said, laughing at how strange her mother was acting.

Debbie moved over and sat on the foot of Ali's bed. “I mean she really likes you.”

“What?” Ali laughed and shook her head, finally getting at what her mother was suggesting. “No, she's just nice and we're going to be working together a lot so she's trying to make me feel comfortable. I haven't always been the most pleasant patient.”

“If that's what you want to believe, Alex, you go right ahead.” There was amusement playing in her mother's eyes.

“Really?” Ali's eyes glanced at the flowers as she thought back on how Ashlyn had acted just now. Nothing really stood out, although she supposed her therapist's actions could be construed as interest. “I'm not sure.”

“It's not like it's a horrible thing.”

“Of course not,” Ali said, suddenly feeling a little defensive.

Debbie shook her head with a slightly amused smile. “I'm sorry I brought it up. Finish your dinner before it gets cold.”

Ali frowned at her mother, wanting to press her more, but the moment had passed. With a final shake of her head, she decided it was better to just let it drop and go back to her dinner.

It wasn't until after her mother had left for the evening that Ali could really think about Ashlyn's visit. Her therapist had just fulfilled a promise. Granted she had gone out of her way to bring the flowers early instead of the next day as she had said she would. But still, it seemed so genuinely friendly and not like she was trying to make a pass. Besides, who would want her anyway with her injuries and the dark shadow she was living under? No, Ali was sure her mother was just imagining things. She had to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Check back on Thursday for more...Ali gets a reward for all of her hard work ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little reward for Ali...or is it?
> 
> Not writing as fast as I was, so I think I'll go back to weekly posting for a while. Next chapter will go up on Tuesday unless I get a ton written this weekend (but since it's a home Spirit game, not so likely).
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos and eyeballs on the story. Please continue to let me know what you think. Comments are a great incentive to write.

“I think your shoulder is strong enough to use the parallel bars if you're careful. How about we take a few steps today?” Ashlyn asked as she pushed Ali's wheelchair into the therapy room.

“We?” Ali chuckled quietly. “Am I royalty now?”

“Okay, you. Yes, you're the one doing the work. But I'll reward you if you do it. How about that?” Ashlyn gave Ali a sly grin as she came around the front of the wheelchair and set the wheel lock in place.

Ali's eyebrow rose slowly. “Reward?”

“Well,” Ashlyn drew out as she stood and held out her hands for Ali to take. She was playing a dangerous game here, even if she could justify it as just part of Ali's therapy. “I've had some massage training. Between your therapy and lying around in bed most of the time, you can probably use a good massage. It'll help you with your overall recovery.”

Ali's eyes went wide for a moment and Ashlyn could see a flush come to her cheeks. There was a moment of uncertainty in her eyes, but then she let out a quiet breath and smiled. “That sounds great. Let's get me walking then.”

“Let's,” Ashlyn said as she wiggled her fingers toward Ali, wanting the shorter woman to take her hands and stand up. It was best if she put the massage out of her mind for now, though, so she focused squarely on the task at hand.

Ali settled her hands on Ashlyn's forearms and used them to help her move to a standing position, wincing as she stood. “Still hurts,” she said, letting out a deep breath once she was firmly on her feet.

“And it will for a while, but it'll get better.” Ashlyn moved her arms toward the ends of the parallel bars, letting Ali grab them without having to stretch. “If you have any sharp pains let me know.” She motioned with her head toward the orderly behind Ali. “Roger will be right behind you with a chair. If you need to stop, just say something and he'll get it under you so you can sit.”

“Okay,” Ali said, sounding somewhat unsure, but obviously trying to put on a brave face. “How many steps?”

Ashlyn didn't want to push Ali too far, but she wanted to have her try out her leg so they could evaluate where they were. _Besides, she needs to earn her reward. Crap, just focus._ She closed her eyes for a second and regained control of her thoughts, trying to worry about the here and now and not what might happen afterward. “Let's just see how it goes. But I'd love to see four at least. Two with each leg.”

From the look on Ali's face, she thought that sounded like a ridiculously high number. But she nodded nonetheless. There was a moment's hesitation and then she swung her brace-covered leg forward until her foot was settled just ahead of her right foot. “So far so good,” she said quietly, more to herself than to Ashlyn.

“Transferring your weight onto it will be the real test,” Ashlyn explained as she took a small step backward between the bars, leaving Ali with enough room to take the next step while still being close enough to catch her should she fall.

“I can do this,” Ali said, still sounding unsure of herself. She laughed then and shifted her weight onto her left leg. A sharp intake of air and a wince showed she was feeling some pain, but she never said anything about it. Once she had her body weight over her left leg, she lifted the right and quickly brought it forward. “That wasn't too bad,” she said when her right foot was firmly on the ground .

“Good,” Ashlyn encouraged. She again moved back, this time a little further than the last. She wanted to see how well Ali could do with a more natural step. “Try taking a slightly bigger step this time.”

Ali looked up at Ashlyn, her eyes wide. “Really?”

Ashlyn laughed quietly. She remembered the first few days following each of her ACL tears and how she had been afraid to trust her injured knee each time. Any mention of trying something other than the smallest of movements had made her heart race with fear, so she could only imagine what Ali, who had a totally reconstructed leg, must be feeling. “Yes, really. How's your shoulder?”

Ali looked down at it and chuckled. “I was so worried about my leg I forgot about it. It feels fine. I wouldn't want to use it for an hour to hold me up, but I think it'll last through a few more steps.”

“A few more? Does that mean you're going to go for more than four, Miss Krieger?” She smirked playfully at her patient.

“I might,” Ali said, smiling back. She then looked back down at her feet and took a deep breath. “Okay, bigger step.” This time when she swung her left leg forward it landed a short distance in front of the other. It still wasn't a normal sized step, but it was closer. “Uh oh, that might be too much,” she said as fear crossed her face.

“You'll be fine.” Ashlyn wanted to encourage her, but she was worried as well, and readied herself to catch Ali if need be.

With a hesitant smile, Ali once again shifted her weight forward and then lifted her right foot, trying to take the step in one motion.

But then she cried out in pain and started to lose her balance. She pitched forward, her left arm suddenly collapsing under the weight of her motion. Ashlyn reacted on instinct, her arms flying out to catch Ali under her shoulders as she took a step forward, closing the small distance between them. Before she knew it, Ali was in her arms, shaking and breathing heavily from the sudden loss of equilibrium. “Whoa, it's okay,” Ashlyn said as she wrapped her arms tighter around Ali, trying to make her feel safe and secure. “I've got you.”

“Thanks,” Ali said into Ashlyn's chest before she started to pull back. Ali's face was mostly hidden behind the curtain of her hair as she looked down shyly. But what Ashlyn could see told her that Ali's face had flushed a deep red.

“Hey, it's okay. Let me help you.” Ashlyn helped Ali come to a standing position before nodding to the orderly behind the brunette. While she missed the sudden contact she'd just had with her, Ashlyn wanted to quickly get Ali into as comfortable a position as possible. “Okay, the chair's in place. Go ahead and sit.”

Ali looked behind her before slowly easing herself down, kicking her braced left leg out so that she could collapse into the chair. Once seated, she let out a huge sigh of relief. The brunette shifted uneasily in her seat and she looked down toward Ashlyn's shoes when she spoke. “Thanks,” she said, her voice quiet. “I guess that was too big of a step.”

Ashlyn looked down at her and gave her a hesitant smile. The sudden embarrassment and shyness that Ali was exhibiting was very endearing. “You were just doing what I asked. I'm sorry if I pushed you too much.” She didn't want her to feel like she had done anything wrong.

“No, it's okay,” Ali said, waving her hand dismissively. “Just give me a minute to catch my breath and we can try again. I want to get those four steps in so I earn my reward.”

Ashlyn's smile turned bright then. There was nothing she wanted more than to give Ali a soothing massage. Ali definitely deserved it. At least that was what she told herself. “Sounds like a plan.”

* * *

 

When Ashlyn pushed Ali into the massage room, the brunette felt her stomach go into an instant ball of knots. “So, if you're okay with it, I thought we'd do the full treatment,” Ashlyn offered as she settled the wheelchair right next to the massage bed. It was covered in sheets and what looked like the fluffiest tan blanket Ali had ever seen. “If not, we can just do your shoulders, but this is still the best place for even that. I can put on some nice calming music and dim the lights so you can relax.”

“Um,” Ali started, not sure what to say. She wasn't sure why she was feeling so strange about it all. It wasn't like she hadn't had more than a few massages in her day. She took a deep breath and shook her head slightly to chase off the anxiety. _What is wrong with you? It's just a massage._ She laughed so quietly she figured Ashlyn wouldn't really hear. “Oh, I'm going to milk my reward for all that it's worth,” she said as she finally looked up at Ashlyn, putting an intentional smirk on her face. It helped her feel more comfortable. “Full body.”

Ashlyn's eyes lit up and Ali could have sworn her cheeks flushed slightly, but it was hard to tell in the dimmer light of the room. “Good.” She knelt down in front of Ali and started removing the brace that ran almost the full length of her leg. “Go ahead and get as undressed as you feel comfortable with. Be careful when you get up on the bed and when you roll over. Get settled face down. I'll be right outside, so just call out if you need any help, okay?”

“Sure,” Ali said, hoping her voice sounded assured.

Ashlyn finished pulling the brace off and set it up against the wall. “See you in a few.” She gave Ali one more gentle smile and then left the room, closing the door behind her.

Ali let out a long breath as she turned back toward the door and watched it close. “This is stupid,” she said to herself as she whipped her t-shirt off so quickly she couldn't think about it. She followed by pulling off the old sports bra she was wearing. Again, without giving herself any time to think, she started to work the sweat pants down off her legs, trying to be as gentle as possible with her left leg and using her right to push herself up off the wheelchair as needed. Then finally, clad only in her panties, she stopped, her clothes balled up on her lap. “Um, yeah, that's far enough.”

It wasn't like she was particularly modest. Years of playing sports had long since left her with an appreciation of the practicality of nudity in front of others while in the locker room. And while she knew her body now had some scars that it hadn't before, it wasn't like she was even remotely ashamed of it. But still, there was something that made her shy around Ashlyn. She thought back to what her mother had insinuated the night before and sighed. It bothered her that thinking Ashlyn might be interested in her would make her feel this way. That wasn't like her at all. And yet there was something that had put a pack of butterflies in her stomach, all feeling like they were trying to desperately find a way out.

“Stupid, that's what this is,” she said with a chuckle to herself. She tossed her clothes over onto a chair against the wall, pulled the blanket and sheet back a little and then pushed herself up until she was standing. It took a few moments to move around primarily on her right leg, but before long she was up on the bed, lying on her stomach, her face in the cradle at the top of the bed. She let out a sigh of relief once settled and waited for Ashlyn to return.

It didn't take long before there was a soft knock on the door and it cracked open. “You ready?”

Ali lifted her head and called out loudly. “You bet.”

Ashlyn came in and smiled softly. “Okay, give me a second while I get things ready.” She pushed the wheelchair over into the corner and then turned the lights down just a little more. Then she put on some soft jazz music. Finally she came back and stood on Ali's left side. “If I do something that hurts, please let me know. Otherwise, close your eyes and relax.”

Ali took a deep breath and tried to relax her body, but she wasn't entirely successful. She was so fixated on trying to calm her breathing and release the tension in her back, that she wasn't aware that Ashlyn was now standing by her left shoulder. When the therapist's hands gently touched her skin, Ali tensed up and almost let out a yelp. “Sorry,” she said, laughing quietly to cover up her embarrassment.

“I should have given you some warning,” Ashlyn said quietly, her voice barely audible over the music. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead. I'm good.” Ali wanted to believe that at least, so she let out a cleansing breath and let her mind wander. As Ashlyn worked on her shoulder, Ali's mind floated around the last few days. She thought back to each session with Ashlyn, to their lunch, to the surprise visit in the evening when Ashlyn brought her the flowers she had promised. It amazed the brunette how much care and attention Ashlyn had shown her in the few days they had known each other. It was surely more than any of her previous caregivers had shown and it warmed her heart. If only her mother hadn't brought up her suspicion that it was all more than simple caring.

Ashlyn's hands worked their way into her shoulder and Ali let out a sigh as she finally relaxed. She was just starting to drift off when Ashlyn's hands moved down her back, jolting Ali back to full awareness. “You know what?” she said as she rolled a little onto her right side, pulling the blanket up high around her shoulders as she did. “I think I'm good.”

Ashlyn moved back like she had been burned. “I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?”

“No, not at all,” she tried to quickly cover. But she knew it wasn't coming off right, so she sighed. “I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.” She laid back down on her stomach and looked over in Ashlyn's direction. “It's okay, you can continue. I'll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Ashlyn came over and knelt down so she was just a little lower than Ali but still in her line of sight. “I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.”

Ali took a moment to consider how she was feeling. She didn't want to lie to Ashlyn. The worst thing she could likely do was to suffer through something she wasn't comfortable with and having Ashlyn feel guilty about it once she realized what Ali was doing. She looked into the concerned hazel eyes that were only a few inches away from her own and knew there was no ulterior motive going on with Ashlyn. Her therapist just wanted to help her feel better. _My mom is nuts,_ she concluded before smiling. “No, really, I'm okay. Go ahead and massage away.”

Ashlyn reached up and lightly put her hand on Ali's upper arm. “I'll give you a head's up before I move to a new body part, okay? That way I won't surprise you.”

“Sounds perfect.” Ali gave her one more small smile before turning her head down and positioning her face in the hole in the head rest.

Ali let out a long breath a moment before Ashlyn's hands went back to just below her shoulder. This time she was surprised that she wasn't as tense and as Ashlyn's hands worked their magic, she got more and more relaxed until she finally started to drift off into a blissful state of semi-consciousness. From time to time, Ashlyn would quietly say she was going to start on another part of Ali's body—first her left leg and then her right before returning to her back and finally going to both shoulders and her neck. Only then did Ashlyn pull the blanket up high and help her roll over to work on the front of her shoulders, her arms, and then her legs. She finished the whole massage with a heavenly few minutes of working the tension out of Ali's face and scalp.

“Okay, I'm done,” Ashlyn whispered.

Ali's eyes flickered open and she smiled up at the blonde. “That was amazing.”

In the dim light it was hard to tell if Ashlyn was blushing, but Ali thought she might be. “No problem. You keep up the good work and we'll make this a regular treat.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Ashlyn went and pushed the wheelchair back to its former spot and then grabbed Ali's clothes off the chair where she'd thrown them. She handed her the clothes and then gave an uncertain smile. “You think you're okay to get off the table by yourself?”

Ali pushed herself up on her good arm and nodded. “Yeah, I should be fine. I'll go slow.”

“Call me if you need anything. I'll be just outside.” There seemed to be a moment when she hesitated before she chuckled quietly and then turned and left the room.

Once she was alone, Ali slowly worked on putting her clothes on while still on the table. After all, the last thing she wanted was to fall getting off the table and having to call Ashlyn while she was sprawled almost naked on the floor. Once she managed to get dressed, she slid off the table and worked her way into the wheelchair. Only then did she call out to her therapist.

The blonde head poked into the room. “Ready to go back to your humble abode?”

“You mean the drab room I'm calling home for the near future?”

“Hey,” Ashlyn said in what sounded like mock offense, “I brought you flowers to spiff that room up. It's not drab anymore.”

The reminder of Ashlyn's kind act made her smile. “Yeah, you did. I can't thank you enough for those. That was very sweet.”

Ashlyn knelt down so that she was once again just a little lower than Ali. She focused on putting the brace back on Ali's leg and then just smiled up at her when it was done. There was something in her eyes, something incredibly caring and yet also conflicted. “I want you to succeed here, Ali. I want you to succeed and return to your life and be happy. Anything I can do to help out with that, you just let me know. Anything.”

Ali felt a strange well of emotion hit her and she had to take a moment before speaking, hoping it wouldn't tighten her voice. “Thanks. I will. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Ashlyn said before patting the back of the brunette's hand and then standing up. “Okay, let's get you back to your room. Lunch should be waiting and I hear it's tuna salad today.”

“Oh, yum,” Ali said, her voice clearly ringing with the sounds of her lack of enthusiasm.

Ashlyn just chuckled as she started to push the wheelchair out of the massage room.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for Ali and Ash to get to know one another a little more...and for a friend to offer some advice from afar. Just as a reminder, this takes place in 2017 (which will explain some things mentioned in the second scene).
> 
> Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think. And thanks so much for all the comments and kudos and reads.
> 
> Unless I get a major burst of writing speed, next chapter will be up in a week.

“Got any plans tonight?” Ali asked as she took another step between the parallel bars. She'd managed six steps already and felt like she could do two more if she pushed it. She was going to go the length of the bars if she could. The small talk was helping keep her mind off how hard those last two steps were going to be.

“Plans? What are those?” Ashlyn chuckled quietly as she took another step back, leaving room for Ali to continue her walk.

“Come on, don't you have friends to go out with? A significant other?” Once the words were out of her mouth, Ali hazarded a glance up at Ashlyn, trying to gauge her reaction.

Ashlyn crossed her arms and hefted an eyebrow before a small smirk graced her lips. “Are you trying to dig for dirt on me?”

“What? No!” Ali of course was, but she didn't want Ashlyn to think she was prying. “We spend a decent amount of time together and I just thought it would be nice to talk about what's going on with you.”

Ashlyn laughed then and shook her head. “I'm just pushing your buttons a little. It's okay. Yes, I have friends to go out with and no, there's no significant other. And just to be clear, if there were one, it'd be a girlfriend.”

Ali blushed and looked down, embarrassed at having been seen right through. She laughed self-consciously before looking up. “Busted?”

Ashlyn got a look of surprise on her face, but it was hard to tell if it was genuine or put on. “Really? You were really fishing?”

Ali shrugged and tried to play it off. “I don't like to assume, of course, but I also like to know.” She looked up at Ashlyn, trying to seem a little more nonchalant than she was feeling. “It doesn't make any difference.”

“I didn't think it would. You played soccer after all.” Ashlyn's expression seemed a little amused by then and it was like she could barely contain a big grin from splitting her face. “You?”

“Me?” Ali's voice came awfully close to cracking on the single word. She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Straight.” Her mood darkened then as she thought of the question that had started this discussion. “My boyfriend died in the attack. He was our chief officer that morning.”

“Oh,” Ashlyn said quietly as her eyes fell. “I'm so sorry,” she said before looking back up at Ali, her eyes revealing the awkwardness she was feeling.

Ali swallowed hard and let out a deep breath. She hated to think about losing Rick. He might not have been the guy she would have eventually married, but he was one of her best friends from childhood. She still felt a deep emptiness in her chest when she thought about the fact he had died that morning in DC. “Rick was a really great guy,” she finally said, the emotion making her voice sound tight.

“Ali...” Ashlyn quickly motioned to the orderly behind the brunette to push the chair forward. Ashlyn helped Ali sit once it was in place and then knelt down so they were at eye level. “I...” The blonde's hazel eyes were filled with tears as she shook her head, obviously not finding the words she needed.

“It's okay,” Ali said, even though it was a lie. Nothing was okay and she didn't think it would ever be okay again. She blinked and felt tears leak out onto her cheeks. Irritated with herself for crying, she quickly wiped them away. “It's not okay,” she finally whispered. “But nothing can change what happened.”

“No, it can't,” Ashlyn said as she gently placed her hand on Ali's knee. “It doesn't mean you can't be sad, though.”

Ali nodded and looked down, her eyes closing as she tried to get her emotions back in check. She swallowed hard before finally opening her eyes and looking at Ashlyn. “I'm okay, really.”

Ashlyn's hand reached up, like she was going to touch Ali's face, but then she stopped and moved her hand to Ali's upper arm. She squeezed it and smiled with a little nod of her head. “Of course you're okay. You're so strong, Ali. You're going to be fine.”

She nodded, even if she didn't really believe it. Most of the time, feeling fine felt like such a pipe dream. She wasn't even sure what it meant to feel fine anymore. But a small part of her wanted to believe it, wanted to believe Ashlyn of all people. And that surprised her. How many times had her parents or her brother or her closest friends told her she'd be fine sooner or later if she just gave it time? And yet she never really even wanted to believe them. At least not in any way other than to hope that the pain would end somehow. But looking into Ashlyn's eyes and seeing the steady caring there, caring that she didn't have to show, made Ali want to believe because she wanted to feel good again. For likely the first time since the attacks, she wanted to go back to loving life again. Maybe even for the first time since the blood clot entered her lung and stole the only future she had ever dreamed of. She blinked until she was sure that the tears welling in her eyes wouldn't fall and then put on a brave smile. “You don't know how much that means to me, Ashlyn. More than I think anything since the attacks.”

“Really?” Ashlyn seemed very pleasantly surprised. She then looked down and Ali could see a bit of a blush coming to her cheeks. She finally looked up and there was something in her eyes that Ali couldn't read. When she spoke, her voice was quiet, almost a whisper. “I don't know what it is about you, but I want to make sure you find a way to be happy, Ali. I hope you'll let me try my best to help you.”

Ali's heart melted at that as she reached up to put her hand over the one that still rested on her arm. She smiled one of the most genuine smiles she had managed since the attacks. “That means so much. I'll try too. I promise.” And for once it wasn't a platitude to make her loved ones happy. This time, for the first time, she meant every word. And it felt freeing in a way. It felt like finally that light at the end of the tunnel that Kyle had sworn was out there was visible, even if it was still the smallest of pinpricks. But it was there, nonetheless, and it was somehow there in the form of her physical therapist, who she hadn't even known a week ago. Maybe this was what she needed. She needed someone to care who didn't have to. She needed someone to believe in her when she couldn't always believe in herself and for no other reason than that she deserved to have that in her life.

This time Ashlyn's other hand did make it up to Ali's face to cup her cheek. The gentle touch caused a tear to escape down the brunette's face and surprisingly Ali wasn't embarrassed or mad that it fell. Instead she just held Ashlyn's steady and caring gaze and felt a little more whole than she had moments before. It was a small step, surely, but a step nonetheless.

“Okay,” Ashlyn said, and the emotion in her voice made it tight. “We'll do this together. We'll be a team.”

Ali nodded as her smile grew. “We'll be a team.”

“All right then,” Ashlyn said as she stood, pulling her hands back to put them on her hips. She laughed as she gave Ali a smile.“You still owe me two steps.”

* * *

Ashlyn smiled as she looked down at her phone. She pulled it to her ear, never missing a step as she traipsed across the parking lot to her Jeep, and said into the phone, “Well, look what the cat dragged in. How ya doing, Whit? How's Boston?”

“Frigging cold. Did you catch our game against Orlando?”

“Um, sorry, no,” Ashlyn said. She tried to watch the league games when she could, even though there was still a part of her that felt the sting of not playing. But she also didn't arrange her life around them. Usually she would catch up afterward so she could get in touch with the few friends she still had playing throughout the league, Whitney chief among them, and tell them how awesome they were.

“They went down early and I swear they were gunning for our back line after that. Sanderson totally took me down when I was shielding the ball and the ref booked me for it. Talk about a crappy call. The whole stadium was booing. At least they didn't convert the kick. Serves them right.” She laughed quietly.

Ashlyn tried to hide her smile. She'd known Whitney since her second and final year at UNC and the Californian had been the one person who had tried to convince Ashlyn to continue playing despite her spat of injuries. And she probably would have if it hadn't been for the added crap with Jess. But even after she left Chapel Hill, Whit had never been anything other than the most supportive friend she could ask for. It was that good heart, though, that often got her in trouble in games. She was a fierce competitor, but she just couldn't play dirty to save her life. Usually that was fine, but Ashlyn knew that sometimes you had to get down in the mud and give back what they gave. “You should have elbowed her when the ref wasn't looking. Or pantsed her or something.”

Whitney laughed louder this time. “As if. Anyway, we won, so that's all that matters. Only nineteen more games to go and it's already a way better start than last year. Next up is Portland, so we're all hyped up about that. Anyway, how are you? Meet any hot women lately?”

“Well, congrats. I'm sure you guys will win it all and I can't wait to come see you when you're in DC. As to my sex life, why do you care so much anyway?” Ashlyn asked with a light laugh.

“Well, I'd rather not know about your sex life, personally. I'm hoping to care about your love life.”

“You know what I say to that,” Ashlyn said, her mood darkening slightly with her tone matching.

“Jess was almost ten years ago. When are you going to stop giving her all the power? She doesn't deserve it after what she did to you. That bitch doesn't deserve a second thought.”

“Language, Engen!” Ashlyn tried to laugh and focus on her reaction to Whitney's uncharacteristic cursing, but she knew her friend wouldn't let it drop, so she gave in. “I couldn't care less about Jess. Honestly. I'm just more realistic about life. It happens when you hit your thirties. You'll find out later this year, toddler.”

“Ha ha,” Whitney replied dryly. “And you aren't fooling me, Harris. She betrayed you and broke your heart. I get that makes you gun-shy, but you need to take some risks. It's like playing in goal. Sometimes you have to come off your line and go after the ball or the chance passes you by and the ball is in the back of the net.”

Ashlyn wanted to bite back at the analogy. After all, it had been years since she'd stood on a goal line and faced down a shot coming at her. Those moments of fearless—and some would say often reckless—action were long behind her. Sometimes she thought they were behind her in all aspects of her life, not just out on the pitch. But she knew Whitney's heart was in the right place. It always was. So, she just let the momentary anger slip away. “I know, but it's not that easy. Sometimes life just puts up obstacles.”

“Like what?”

“Like the hot girl being all damaged, both physically and emotionally. Like her being my patient.” She regretted it the second it was out of her mouth.

As expected, Whitney took the bait. “Oh? You've got a hot patient? A little rehab romance brewing?”

“Yes, she's hot and no, there's no romance.” She sighed, knowing she could be truly honest with Whitney. There probably wasn't a soul on the planet who knew her better, especially when it came to her usually tragic love life. “She was hurt in the attack on DC. She lost a lot of friends that day, including her boyfriend.” She made sure to put an emphasis on the last word.

“Ah, okay, damaged straight girl. Yeah, probably not your best target.” Whitney laughed quietly. “Which is exactly why you'll pine over her. She's safe.”

Ashlyn knew Whitney was correct. It certainly was not the first time she had been attracted to someone who was unattainable. And Ali was definitely pretty high on the unattainable list. Emotionally and physically damaged straight girl who just lost her boyfriend was not exactly something she'd put in her dating profile as what she was searching for. Or at least it shouldn't have been, but she knew Whitney was right and Ali was just the sort of woman she normally sought out. _Damn you Jess. And damn that fucking lacrosse player, too. I hope you two ended up miserable together._ The usual taste of bile that came up when she thought about her college love stung at the back of her throat. “Okay, you're right. She's safe. She's like a pretty sculpture at a museum. I can look but not touch.” She laughed then. “Well, I can touch, but just in the course of my job.”

“And that's it?”

“Do I sound like a lech if I say I enjoyed giving her a massage yesterday?”

“Just a little,” Whitney replied with a bright laugh. “Ash, go out and meet a nice woman. Or meet a not nice woman and at least have a tumultuous relationship. Have any relationship. These one-nighters are not good for you. You're asking to get some nasty disease and that's the least harmful part.”

“I use protection,” Ashlyn protested.

“That's bullshit and you know it.”

“I should have never told you how much I hate dental dams,” Ashlyn groused.

“Trust me, that's a conversation that I would have preferred we had never had, too.” Whitney laughed again and Ashlyn pulled up a mental picture of her friend's broad grin. “Listen, just at least be open to love, okay? You never know when Ms. Right will walk through the door. Or crash into your precious Jeep.”

_Or end up as your patient._ Ashlyn shook her head at the thought. She knew that any hope where Ali was concerned was just torture. It was better to just be friends with her—professional friends of course—and just ignore the fact that every fiber of her being felt drawn to the melancholy brunette. “Or maybe she'll just fall down from the sky.”

“You never know.”

“Nope, you never do. Listen, Whit, thanks for calling. It's always great to talk to you. And congrats about the great start. You guys are just utterly amazing. I'm so proud of you.” She ignored the pain that always dug into the pit of her stomach when she thought about how she should have been out there following her dreams. If only she could have gone back and done things differently, if only Jess hadn't crushed her will to get out of bed for so long, maybe she could have. But it was something she'd never know for sure, so instead she just put on a smile and was happy for her friend. If anyone deserved all the accolades, it was Whit. “I'll put on my Engen jersey for the rest of the games and scream like an idiot at my laptop, promise. Mrs. Dunston downstairs will file another noise complaint but it won't matter. My landlord loves you guys and as long as I can talk a certain world champion into giving him a signed jersey, he'll forgive me anything.”

“For you, of course, Listen, I do need to get going. I have a date with an ice bath and if I don't get there, our trainer is bound to come track me down. She loves them for some reason and is like the ice bath evangelist or something. Ice bath or die should be her motto.”

“Okay, thanks for that. Now I'm not so jealous that you get to play soccer for a living. I hated those things.”

“They suck. Well, I'll talk to you later. You take care. And lay off the hottie patients!”

“Yes, ma'am,” Ashlyn said with a laugh. “Bye, Whit. I love you.”

“Love you too. Ciao.” The line went dead.

Ashlyn put her phone in her pocket and chuckled quietly. “You could always see right through me, couldn't you?” With an amused shake of her head she climbed into her Jeep and started it up, not wanting to think more deeply about the conversation she'd just had with her friend. Because to think about it would mean to confront what she was feeling about Ali, and that was just far too dangerous, and probably even more depressing.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading, leaving kudos and comments.

“So, nosy,” Ashlyn said as she swept into Ali's room, “I thought you'd like to know that I actually have plans tonight.”

Ali sat up straighter in bed.“Oh?Do tell!”

“Don't you start,” Ashlyn said with a smirk. “I've been ordered by one of my best friends to go find myself a woman or she'll kick my ass when she is in town next if I don't.”Ashlyn sat down on the edge of Ali's bed and gave the brunette a lopsided grin.“Since you were harassing me about it, it'll be killing two birds with one stone to get you both off my back.”

Ali shook her head.“I wasn't trying to harass you, Ashlyn.I was just being curious.”

“Nosy.”

“Okay, fine, nosy.”Ali's brown eyes dropped to her lap for a moment and she seemed to almost draw into herself.Then she took a deep breath and looked up.“So, what's the plan?”

“Well,” Ashlyn drew out, resisting the urge to needle Ali a little to figure out what was going on in that head of hers.“Actually a friend is setting me up on a blind date.”She rolled her eyes. “I don't have high hopes, but who knows.Emma is a good friend.I don't think she'd set me up with a stinker intentionally.”

“So, where ya going?”

Ashlyn bit at her lip.She'd spent far too long the previous evening trying to find the perfect place to go for her date.She needed it to be nice enough if they hit it off, but also easy enough to make a quick escape if she felt like she needed to.“There's this little bistro not that far from here called River Bend.Well it's really mostly a bar with some decent food. I figured we'll do drinks and apps.”

“Love that place,” Ali offered with a hint of a smile. “Get the tater tots.”

“Tater tots?Really?”

“They're awesome,” Ali said, her eyes lighting up.“Just trust me on this.”

“Okay, tater tots it is.”She sighed then, feeling the nervousness of the impending date start to ball up in her stomach.“I hope I can find a way to escape if things go south.Normally, I'd run to the bathroom and put out an SOS to my friend Whit.That's the friend who will kick my ass if I don't do this.Anyway, no matter where in the world she is, she'd normally then call me back in about 10 minutes so I could pretend there was an emergency.”She frowned.“She texted earlier and mentioned her boyfriend was in town. They're both professional athletes but play in totally different cities so I'm sure they'll be really busy tonight.Damned relationships getting in the way of my ploys to avoid relationships.”

Ali laughed quietly.“Since your buddy has way more important things to keep her occupied, you can use me if you want.Not like I have anything else to do but sit here with my phone while I watch a marathon of Orange is the New Black.”Ali's smile got a little broader.

“Love that show,” Ashlyn interjected before she nodded.“Okay, if I text just call me like 10 or 15 minutes later so it isn't obvious that while I was in the restroom I called for help.That should be good enough to get me away.”

“On one condition,” Ali said, her smile now becoming a little playful.

Ashlyn sighed in defeat.“Name it.”

“I want the full scoop on why it went bad. Every last detail.”

Ashlyn hefted her right eyebrow inquisitively. “Why?”

“Oh, come on,” Ali said with a laugh.“I need to feel like there's a life outside of this joint.I can only watch so much Netflix.I need real gossip.”

Ashlyn let out a quiet chuckle.Ali was clearly starting to get some cabin fever.Normally she'd worry about that, but this was a good sign for the brunette.At least she was starting to care about what went on outside the walls of the rehab facility.“Well, okay.I'll give you the full unadulterated truth.And maybe, just maybe, I'll see if we can manage an outside therapy session tomorrow as a reward.It's supposed to be pretty warm and sunny out there, so we might as well take advantage of it.”

Ali's eyes lit up instantly and she seemed truly excited by the prospect.It was these little glimpses of what had to be Ali's former self that Ashlyn had really begun to cherish.“I so need some fresh air,” Ali pointed out.

“Okay, we'll go outside even if I don't need a rescue tonight.Well barring an unforeseen storm.”

“Yes, please,” Ali said as she slightly bounced on the bed in excitement.

“Don't your parents take you outside?” Ashlyn asked, a little concerned that maybe Ali had really been cooped up too long in the rehab facility.

“Well, yeah,” she replied and there was a sudden flush to her cheeks.“My mom's taken me outside a few times.  But you're much more interesting.”The brunette looked up at her through her long lashes.

Something about the way Ali was looking at her made Ashlyn's heart race. _She's just being friendly,_ she chided herself.Ali couldn't possibly mean anything more by her reactions.It just made no sense.“Well, I appreciate the compliment.I just wanted to drop in and let you know my plans.I better get going or I won't have time to make myself beautiful for my date.”Ashlyn knew her smile was a tad on the flirtatious side, but she didn't care.

“You won't need much time for that,” Ali said, her voice almost distant, like she wasn't even really aware of what she was saying.The color on her cheeks flashed up then even brighter as she looked suddenly down at her lap.She took a long breath and let it out before looking up and meeting Ashlyn's gaze with a hesitant expression on her face.“You're gorgeous.”

Now it was Ashlyn's turn to blush, but she didn't break her gaze from Ali.If the brunette was going to flirt with her—even though Ashlyn would have bet that Ali wasn't truly aware of what she was doing—then Ashlyn would meet it head on.“Thank you,” she said quietly. Before she could consider the ramifications, she added, “Not as beautiful as you.”

Ali looked down at her lap again, shyly this time, and it was like Ashlyn could see her heart pounding in her chest.“Thanks,” she barely got out, her voice sounding forced. 

“Sorry,” Ashlyn said, feeling instantly bad that she had put Ali in such a spot.“That wasn't appropriate.”She closed her eyes and chastised herself for her momentary slip.Even if Ali weren't straight, it was still very unprofessional of her to make even the slightest pass at her patient.When the silence went on for an uncomfortable period of time, Ashlyn couldn't handle it anymore.“Ali?”

“It's okay,” she said, her head still not lifting.Ali swallowed loudly and took a deep breath before she looked up.“Really, it's okay.Let's just forget that.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn said, wanting to avoid the uncomfortable moments that had just passed.As much as she was intrigued by Ali's response to what had just happened, Ashlyn also didn't want to read too much into it. _Typical straight girl flirting with the lesbian. Why the hell do they do that?_ She had to believe that was all it was, after all.Anything else was really too dangerous to consider.

“So, you'll still text if you need a rescue?I want my gossip if things go south,” Ali said, a smile that seemed a little forced coming to her lips.

“Yeah, of course.”Ashlyn stood then, still feeling awkward in Ali's presence.“But like I said, I better get going.I don't want to be late.”

“Okay, I'll either talk to you later or see you in the morning.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ashlyn said with a final smile before making her escape out into the hallway.She kept walking, her head down so she wouldn't run into a coworker and need to make small talk. 

It wasn't until she was safely in the driver's seat of her Jeep that Ashlyn let out a long breath.“Fuck,” was all she could mutter in response.She knew she was in trouble.

* * *

 

Ali let out a deep breath, trying to get her heart to stop pounding in her chest.  “What the hell just happened?” she asked herself quietly as she looked at the door to her room, half of her hoping Ashlyn would return, the other half dreading it.  But of course Ashlyn didn't come back.  So, Ali finally let out another breath and stared up at the ceiling, shaking her head in confusion.  “Since when do I care if a woman says I'm beautiful?” 

_Since you met Ashlyn._

She closed her eyes and tried to chase away the vision of caring hazel eyes that seemed to scream through her head.She knew she was latching onto Ashlyn because she needed some hope in her life, she needed to feel that somehow it would all be okay in the end.And while her family and friends tried to provide that for her, it was Ashlyn's enthusiasm for it, when she didn't need to do anything more than guide her through her therapy, that really made Ali think it might just be possible.The chance was slim, and she was so often not sure she even wanted that light at the end of the tunnel, but deep down there was a little spark that wanted to flare up, wanted her to live.And if anyone could help stoke that spark, it was Ashlyn.

It all made so much sense, and yet it was so damned hard as well. 

She shook her head and laughed quietly.She chased the thoughts from her head and grabbed her laptop from the bedside table.“All right,” she muttered quietly to herself as she opened up Netflix in her browser, “let's see what happens next Piper, you narcissist.”

* * *

 

Ashlyn smiled at Rachel as they sat at their corner table waiting on their drink refills. So far it hadn't been bad, in fact she had to admit it was better than she had thought it would be.  But there still wasn't that connection, that electricity she was looking for.  As nice as Rachel was, she just wasn't enough.  She wasn't smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough.  Ashlyn mentally chastised herself for that evaluation, because what Rachel really wasn't was she wasn't Ali.  _You have got to stop this.  Ali can never be._

She smiled over at Rachel.“So, what made you get into computers?”

Rachel shrugged.“I went to school for English, but there wasn't much I could do with that.I thought about law school or teaching, but it just didn't grab me.I needed a job and a friend was willing to hire me and teach me the ropes and I found out I liked it.”She finished off the last remnants of her drink and then asked, “And why physical therapy?”

“I was a jock and I'd been through enough of it growing up and in college. It just seemed to make sense.” 

“Sounds like it was a good fit.”Rachel played with the edge of her glass and then motioned with her head toward the other corner of the room.“I'm going to use the restroom.Be right back.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ashlyn said with a smile.As she watched Rachel move through the crowded room, she sighed. _Give her a shot, Ash.So what if she's not Ali.That's a good thing.You can give this dating thing a real try with her.Move on.Just move on._

She waited for the few minutes it took for Rachel to come back, grateful that in the meantime their drinks had arrived.At least the increased alcohol was helping to relax her some.It gave her some confidence, like she could really put Jess behind her.Like she could really forget about Ali being anything more than a patient and maybe a friend.She could do this.

Rachel had barely sat down and taken a sip of her new drink when her phone rang.She looked at it and then said, “I need to take this.”

Ashlyn nodded and watched as Rachel got up and moved away from the table toward the bar as she talked into the phone.She tapped on the glass and looked around, her eye going to the huge display of wine bottles on the nearby wall.She was squinting a little, trying to read the labels, when Rachel came back.

“I'm so sorry, but I have to go,” she said as she fished a few bills out of her purse.“We've got this software package at a local bank and there's a bug.They're freaking out so it's all hands on deck to get it fixed right away.”She put the two bills on the table and smiled a little.“I'm really sorry.I'll call you later.”

“Um, sure,” Ashlyn said, taken aback about the sudden change in events.She got to her feet and gave Rachel a quick, yet stiff, hug, and then said, “Bye.Talk to you later.”

“Right,” Rachel said with another ghost of a smile before she turned and went out of the small restaurant, leaving Ashlyn alone.

It wasn't until she sat down that she laughed.“Damn, I think she just used my own ploy against me.”With an amused shake of her head she downed her own drink and then pulled Rachel's almost full drink over.“Well, if I'm getting dumped, then I'm at least going to enjoy it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> I'll be out of town visiting family early next week, so I probably won't post until I get home on Wednesday.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready to find out why Ashlyn is so gun shy about love? 
> 
> Thanks for reading, leaving kudos, and comments. They make my day!

Ashlyn walked into Ali's room and smiled at the brunette.  “So, is somebody ready for a little outside adventure?”

“Only if somebody gives me the scoop on her date from last night.”  Ali's smile was bright, but it didn't seem entirely genuine.  “You didn't text so I assume it went well.  Did you take her home with you?”

Ashlyn shook her head as she crossed her arms.  “No.  In fact, I think I got dumped.”

“What?”  Ali sat up straighter on her bed.  “Was she blind, deaf and dumb or something?  Who would dump you?”

“Oh, there's a list,” Ashlyn said, frowning even as internally she was happy that Ali was so incensed.  “She even used my own trick.  She went to the bathroom and like ten seconds after she came back, her phone rang.  She supposedly had a work emergency.”  Ashlyn rolled her eyes.  “She didn't even do the ten minute wait so I wouldn't see right through it.  Amateur.”

“Oh, Ash, I'm sorry.”  Ali frowned.  “I don't get how people can be so mean.”

“It's karma.  I was thinking about doing the same thing.  She just beat me to it.”  Ashlyn sat down heavily on the foot of Ali's bed.  “And to be honest, it wasn't even that she was a bad person or anything. She was a pretty decent catch.  I just couldn't...”  Her voice trailed off as her mind went back to her dorm room in Chapel Hill, to finding Jess in bed with that lacrosse player.  In her own bed.  On purpose.  Just to hurt her.  She shook her head to chase away the memories and looked up at Ali.  “If you believe my friend Whitney, it's because I was hurt pretty badly in college.  Completely betrayed in fact.”  She swallowed and her eyes dropped to her lap.  When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.  “She's right.  I'm not sure I could survive that again.”

“Ashlyn, hey, look at me,” Ali prodded gently.

Ashlyn closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing the tears to not fall down her cheeks.  She then looked up and shook her head with the quietest of laughs.  “I can't believe I just told you that. That wasn't professional of me.”

Ali shook her head and leaned forward until she was able to put her hand on Ashlyn's knee.  “I'd like to think we're friends by now.”

“By now?” Ashlyn had a laugh at that.  “We've known each other a week.”

But Ali's gaze didn't waver.  Instead she nodded.  “Tell me you don't get that we've clicked.”  Ali closed her own eyes and took a a quick deep breath.  Finally, her eyes opened and she said, “I want to be your friend.  Yes, you're my therapist, but I want your friendship, too.  And I need someone to worry about.”  She smiled a little lopsided grin that held just a hint of sadness.  “It's really hard getting through each day when all I do is think about me.  I need another focus.  Please?”

Ashlyn couldn't deny the pleading in Ali's amber eyes.  She had quickly come to realize how hard these last two months had been for the brunette and she could only imagine the pain that she often held deep inside.  She'd lost her friends, her boyfriend even.  She'd almost lost her life.  It was far more than Ashlyn could fathom and yet she just knew it had to be so hard for Ali to get through each day and fight for her recovery.  It was a wonder that she ever managed it, let alone having the sometimes sporadic success that she did.  And seeing the pain and need in Ali's eyes, Ashlyn couldn't help but give in.  All she had ever wanted to do from that first moment she had met Ali was to take that pain away somehow.  If it meant that she had to let Ali in, well then maybe she could try.   _And besides, I want her in my life.  I at least want to be friends with her since I can never have more._ The blonde nodded slightly and smiled.  “Okay, you can worry about me.  And I'll worry about you.  If you'll let me?”

Ali's smile grew and it was genuine, even showing off a little sparkle in her eyes.  “Deal!”

“But first, you have a therapy session, missy.  We're going for a walk in the garden.  So get up out of bed and into your wheelchair so we can get started.”

Ali laughed then as she flipped back the blanket from her lap.  “All right, let's get started!”

* * *

 

“Are you sure I'm ready to walk without the parallel bars?” Ali asked as nervousness welled up in her.  “What if I fall?”

“You won't,” Ashlyn replied from where she was standing a few feet in front of Ali.  “You've got the cane to help and I'm near enough to catch you. But you won't fall.  You've been walking really well in the gym.”

Ali took a deep breath, trying to will herself to believe in her own abilities, and then stood up.  She'd at least gotten good at that over the last few days.  “Okay, what's the goal today?”

“Double digits?”

“Ten steps?”  Ali didn't feel particularly confident in her ability to walk that far, especially without the safety of the bars and the mats of the rehab gym.  She was afraid she'd get tired, and if she did and it resulted in a fall, it was going to hurt far more than it did indoors.  But she wanted to do what Ashlyn asked of her.  She didn't want to disappoint the blonde.  “Um, okay, can we renegotiate if I need to?”

“Okay, how about you do six and then we'll see how you're doing?”  Ashlyn's smile was supportive.

“That sounds more prudent.”  Ali reached around with her right hand and grabbed the cane that was leaning up against her wheelchair.  She leaned on it, getting a feel for it in her hand.  She then took a breath and began to take her first step.  She swung her left leg out while matching the step with the cane in her right hand.  She wasn't entirely sure her leg would hold and she'd be able to keep her balance, but after a slight wobble and a death grip on the cane, she felt secure enough to take a matching step with her right leg.

“See?  You're doing really well,” Ashlyn said with another supportive smile from her spot just a little in front of Ali.

“I'm not feeling really secure about this,” Ali warned.  “How about you tell me something to get my mind off of it?”

“What do you want to know?”

Ali stopped and looked up at Ashlyn.  “What do I want to know?  Or what do I think you'll be willing to tell me?”

Ashlyn seemed to stiffen up for a moment before she let out a quiet sigh.  “Try me.”

Ali took another step with her left leg, this one a little less hesitant than the first, and pondered whether this was too much to push Ashlyn about.  But she was curious, damned curious in fact.  And Ashlyn could always say no.  “Tell me about the person who hurt you.”  Ali looked up at Ashlyn and saw the slight wince.  “You don't have to.  But, you know, we're becoming friends and all.  I just want to know what makes you tick.”  Ali sighed quietly.  “Like you said your friend Whitney thinks this is still really big for you.  I can't worry about you if I don't know what I'm worrying about.”  She smiled then, trying to put Ashlyn at ease.

Ashlyn was quiet at first as her gaze went off into the distance.  It didn't look like she'd agree to the line of conversation and Ali was about to tell her to forget it when she finally nodded.  “I'll make you a deal.  You walk over to that bench over there,” she said as she pointed to the wooden bench at least six feet away, “and we'll sit there and I'll tell you about her.”

Ali looked at the distance and thought it seemed impossible, but looking back at Ashlyn she could see the shadows of pain in her hazel eyes and she knew the blonde needed to truly start healing from her past.  And Ali figured the one way that might happen is if she was able to help share the burden with her new friend.  It was worth the effort at least.  And so she nodded.  “I'll do it,” she said, trying to sound more sure of her abilities than she felt.  She wasn't a stranger to hard work, after all, and if it meant pushing herself past her limit, then so be it.  It wouldn't be the first time she'd done that in her life.  It had just been a few years since she'd needed to.

She took it like she had taken any challenge in her life. Step by unsteady step, she moved forward, never worrying about what was to come and instead focusing entirely on the present.  She paid attention to every movement, to keeping her balance and moving as smoothly as possible.  It wasn't until she was about two-thirds the way there that she started to feel tired and beads of sweat started to form on her forehead.  It really did feel like she remembered playing a full ninety minutes full out had felt.  It was exhausting but each step that she put behind her was also supremely satisfying.

“Just a few more,” Ashlyn said and it was only then that Ali realized the blonde was now walking along on her left side, pacing her and likely ready to catch her should she stumble.

“I've got this,” Ali said, her voice sounding tense to her ears as she took two more steps.  “You aren't getting out of your story that easily,” she playfully added as she took yet another two steps forward.

“I wouldn't dream of it,” Ashlyn said as she moved ahead to where the bench was and turned around.  “Just two more good steps and you're here.”

“It's always the last steps that are the worst,” Ali muttered under her breath as she forced her left leg forward and concentrated on the smooth transition of her weight onto the recovering leg.  One more step with her right and suddenly she was standing next to Ashlyn with a humongous smile on her face.  “I did it!”

“You did!” Ashlyn said back, her voice sounding even more enthusiastic than Ali's had.  “You took a total of fourteen steps today, Ali.  That's amazing!”

“Fourteen?  Wow!”  Ali's smile was bright but she felt exhausted.  “Can you help me sit?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn answered as she took her arm.  It took them a few moments to pivot around and get Ali into a seated position with her left leg extended out.  Ashlyn then plopped down next to her.  “Whew, I'm tired.”

“You!”  Ali laughed then as she shook her head at the blonde.  “It's so hard being all healthy and shit.”

“Yup,” Ashlyn said with a laugh.  “You did really amazingly well, Ali.  I'm so proud of you.  I'm going to call your doctor once we get you back to your room and see if we can start working without the brace soon.”

Ali's eyes went wide at the prospect.  She felt unsteady enough as it was.  To walk without the brace seemed truly dangerous.  But she didn't want to doubt Ashlyn's expertise or not face a challenge head on, so she nodded.  “Bring it on, Harris.”

“Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, Krieger,” Ashlyn said as she nudged the brunette with her shoulder.  “In a week or two, you'll be walking all over the place.”

It sounded daunting but also exhilarating, and truly Ali couldn't wait.  But in the meantime she wanted nothing more than to rest and finally find out more about her new friend.  “That sounds lovely, but quit stalling.”

“If I have to,” Ashlyn groused.

“You do.”  Ali slid over just a little closer to Ashlyn and gently put her hand on the blonde's knee.  “I mean, if you really don't want to, you don't have to.  I'm not going to force you. But I'd really like to hear it so I can help you.”

Ashlyn's eyes were on the hand on her knee as she nodded.  “I want you to know,” she barely whispered.

Ali squeezed Ashlyn's knee and nodded.  “Take your time.”

Ashlyn chuckled quietly, but there wasn't much humor to it.  She looked over at Ali, her eyes showing a ghost of hesitation.  “Jess and I met right after I tore my first ACL.  She was a softball player, a short stop.  She'd been injured the previous season and had a few setbacks in her recovery so she was still in PT.  We met in the training room.  God, could it be anymore stereotypical than to fall in love with the softball player?”  She laughed again, this time a little more freely.  “I'm a horrible lesbian cliché sometimes.”

“Somehow I doubt you care about that.  You fall in love with whoever you fall in love with.”

“True,” Ashlyn conceded before taking a deep breath and letting it out.  “Anyway, we hit it off right away and within the week we were a serious item.  We were like oil and water though.  She was pretty quiet, an introvert, and you know that's not me.” They both chuckled at that.  “But deep down, Jess had this fire to her.  When it was just the two of us, we had a blast.  And damn, I was so in love with her.  And I thought she was just as in love with me.”  She looked down at the ground.  “She was, I'm sure of it.  At least for most of that first year.”

“A whole year?”  Ali had thought for sure that she was going to hear a story of unrequited love or something that flashed quickly and then burned out just as fast.

Ashlyn nodded.  “It was a great year.  She visited me in Florida for Spring break and then that summer I went to Maine to meet her family.  It was really serious.  We even started talking about what we were going to do after college.  Like life planning stuff.  I was starting to think she was the one I'd spend my life with.”

When Ashlyn didn't continue, Ali finally prodded.  “And?”

“The next Fall, on the anniversary of our first actual date, I came home from therapy—I'd torn my second ACL by then and was back in PT.  I came back to my dorm room, expecting to find her waiting for me.  We'd planned on going out to dinner to celebrate and my roommate had agreed to spend the night with her boyfriend so we could have some privacy.  Well, I knew since she'd be there, the door would be unlocked, so I just opened the door.  And, well,” she paused and let out a deep sigh and it looked like her eyes were tearing up.  “She was fucking some guy. A goddamned guy.”  A tear spilled out of her left eye and drifted down her cheek.

“Oh, Ashlyn, I'm so sorry.  That's horrible.”  Ali started to reach her hand up to grab the blonde's arm, hesitated for a moment, but then decided not to worry about it and finally put her hand on the strong forearm, running her hand gently up and down her therapist's skin.   “I'm really sorry.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn said as she used her free hand to wipe at the tear on her cheek.  “She was in my bed, on top and everything.  She'd never once mentioned she was anything other than gay.”  She took a deep breath and Ali gave her the time she needed to continue her story.  “I was furious, of course.  I ripped her off of my bed, just trying to get them both out of there, and she hit her head on the corner of the desk.  She was bleeding.  I just kept yelling at them to get out and they quickly did, thank God.  I was crazy.  Then I was literally tearing up the bedding when campus security showed up.”  She shook her head and gave the slightest of shrugs.  “Not only did she fuck some guy in my bed when she knew I'd be showing up.  On our anniversary, no less.  She reported me for assault.  They luckily didn't call the real cops, but I was still told to pack up my stuff and leave.  I wasn't allowed to stay on campus.  The next day I found out I was expelled for the semester.  I went home to Florida and never fought to go back.”

Ali could barely believe what she had just heard.  “My God, Ashlyn.  That's absolutely horrific.  What the fuck was she thinking?”

Ashlyn let out a deep breath and blinked a few times, obviously trying to keep her tears at bay.  She finally shook her head slightly as she sighed.  “I don't know.  Whitney said the rumor that was going around  afterward was that Jess had heard that I'd cheated on her.  It was probably this girl who worked at the gym we used for our workouts.  She'd hit on me a few times and I blew her off and told her I was seeing Jess. I don't know, maybe she spread the rumor to try to break us up.  If she did, well it worked.  Too well.”

The pain in Ashlyn's eyes broke Ali's heart.  No wonder her therapist seemed so reluctant to open herself up to a new relationship.  The thought that the person you loved, the person you were even thinking of building a life with, would hurt you so intentionally because of a rumor and then basically ruin your life by getting you kicked out of school, well it was unthinkable.  She couldn't believe anyone could be that cruel, least of all to someone as kind and caring as Ashlyn.  But obviously this Jess woman had been.  “Ashlyn, I don't know what to say.”

“There's nothing you can say.  It's almost ten years in the past.  I just need to learn to put it behind me.”  She smiled, but there was nothing but sadness in it.  “I need to be willing to risk my heart again.  At least that's what Whit is always saying.  She's right of course, but easier said than done.”

Ali understood that to some extent.  Sure, she hadn't really loved Rick, but she had still opened her heart up to him and her crew mates as close friends, basically family even.  And to have lost them in such an unexpected and horrible way made her not really want to even form those close friendships anymore.  Or even nurture the ones she still had from childhood or college.  It was hard to think about how easily someone could be ripped from your life. But as much as she sometimes just wanted to go crawl into a hole, she knew she had to try to work her way toward reaching out again.  She couldn't live her life that way, after all.  And, as she looked at the pain shadows in Ashlyn's eyes, she realized that maybe the blonde was the one person she could work toward that goal with.  There was just something about her that made Ali feel a little safer, a little more secure, and that opened the door toward friendship and trust.

Granted, friendships were nothing like romantic relationships.  To open yourself up at that level and be so victimized like Ashlyn, well, she couldn't imagine it.  She certainly couldn't blame the blonde for being so gun-shy.  “I can't say I've ever had a boyfriend who I was thinking of building a life with.  I just haven't ever felt that about someone in my life.  Even those few relationships that have gotten past the casual stage have scared me somewhat, and I've never been betrayed like you were, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you.  You seem like someone who goes all in.  You obviously wear your heart on your sleeve.  I'm sure it's terrifying.  But if you want that back in your life, if you want that love, then you have to find a way.  I'll do whatever I can to help.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn replied, her voice tight with emotion.  “I'm not sure what you can do, but it really helps to know you're in my corner.”

“We'll figure it out.  I mean, you haven't come up with a plan to fix me yet, right?”  She offered Ashlyn a crooked smile.

The blonde laughed and shook her head slightly.  “I guess we both have some work to do, then.”

“We do.”

“But first, we have some more work to do with your leg.  Come on, get up, and let's take a few more steps before we head inside.”  Ashlyn stood up and motioned with her fingertips to indicate Ali should stand.

She groaned.  “But I walked all the way over to this bench.”

“And now you'll walk some more.”

Ali rolled her eyes and stood up, finding that simple motion to now be quite easy.  “If I have to,” she grumbled, but she couldn't help but smile at the blonde.  She'd do anything for Ashlyn, even more painful and tiring steps.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, bring out the pitchforks for Jess. But at least Ash has Ali, so maybe there's hope, right?
> 
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> I'll try to get another chapter up next Wednesday, but work might get in the way.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, sorry I missed yesterday. Been a strange week. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Ashlyn smiled as Ali took another step forward between the parallel bars.  “See, taking the brace off wasn't that bad.”

“Okay, I'll give you this one, Ash.”

Ashlyn smiled at the shortened form of her name.  Normally she'd consider it unprofessional to have a patient call her by the nickname, but the line between professional and friendship had already been greatly blurred when it came to Ali, so she didn't mind.  And in fact, she had to admit it gave her a warm feeling for some reason.  “Only this one?” she joked back.

“Well, okay, more than just this one.”  Ali showered her with a bright smile before becoming serious again as she worked on taking another step.

The sound of the door opening and closing drew Ashlyn's attention and she saw a young man, maybe in his early thirties, come in.  He was quite handsome, with dark hair and eyes, and was extremely fit.  There was something about him that seemed familiar, but she wasn't sure where she might have met him.  It wasn't until he looked in their direction and smiled a humongous toothy grin that she figured out who he must be.  There was definitely more than a passing resemblance. “I think you might have a visitor,” she told Ali.

“Huh?”  Ali looked back over her shoulder and actually squealed.  “Kyle!”

He was over to them in an instant, ducking under one of the parallel bars so he could pop up in front of Ali.  As he wrapped her in his arms, he laughed.  “Hey you.  You're looking amazing!”

Ali chuckled loudly. “Well, better than the last time you saw me at least.”

“Ain't that the truth.”  He finally let her go and turned to Ashlyn.  “I'm going to guess you're Ashlyn.  Sorry I interrupted.”

“No problem, really,” Ashlyn said as she reached out to offer a handshake.  After receiving a firm grasp, she smiled at Ali's brother before looking around his shoulder at the younger woman behind him.  “You've told him about me?”

“Oh, and how,” Kyle answered for Ali, who blushed and looked away.  “She thinks you're amazing.”  He jerked a little away from Ali as her hand struck his back with a thump. “Ow!”  He shot his sister a quick look over his shoulder.  “What?”

Ali shook her head, her eyes rolling slightly.  “What else am I supposed to talk about?”

Ashlyn laughed at the sibling banter.  “It's okay.  Of course you want him to know how well you've been doing with your therapy.”  She turned her attention back to Kyle.  “She can walk with the brace and a cane pretty well, but today's the first day without the brace so we're back to the parallel bars.”

“I hate that brace,” Ali mumbled.

“Well, you heard Dr. Matthews.  You'll still have to wear it when you sleep,” Ashlyn noted.

“Good thing,” Kyle said with a bark of laughter.  “She's a violent sleeper.  Like really violent.  We went camping once when we were kids and the two of us shared a tent.  By the end of the weekend I had a black eye and a nasty bruise on my ribs.”

“The one on your side was from tripping over a rock and landing on a log and you know it,” Ali said in her defense.

He shook his head.  “Nope, it was all the whirling dervish here.  So, yeah, she might need that brace for a while or she'll undo all the healing she's done these last two months in one night.”  

Ali slapped Kyle playfully on his back again. “Seriously, I'm not that bad.”  She looked over her brother's shoulder to Ashlyn.  “I toss and turn a bit.  That's all.”

Ashlyn laughed again as she smiled at Ali.  “I believe you.”  She then turned her attention back to Kyle.  “So, nice to meet you.  Now, mind if we finish up this session?”

“Oh, right, sorry.”  He ducked back under the bar and then turned back to them.  “How much longer do you two have?”

“About twenty minutes,” Ashlyn replied.  “We're going to finish up here and then work on some range of motion on her shoulder.  You can sit over there and watch if you'd like.”

“Or,” Ali drew out, her smile growing wider, “you could run out and get us some lunch. There's a good Thai place down the street Ashlyn was telling me about.”

“Fine, use and abuse me,” Kyle said with mock exasperation.  “Where is this place and what would you like?”

Ali looked at Ashlyn, “Do you want anything?”

“No, I'm fine,” Ashlyn answered.  “I have leftover lasagna.”

“Well, at least come eat with us,” Ali said, her eyes hopeful and questioning.

Ashlyn felt the butterflies in her stomach stir.  “Yeah, sure.”

“Great!  So, what's good?”

Ashlyn thought for a moment.  She remembered Ali saying she liked spicy foods and that she'd had some shrimp from the Chinese food place her mother frequented.  “Shrimp Panang Curry is my favorite.  Their Pad Thai is also great.  I've had the pork, chicken and shrimp and they've all been really tasty.  Their summer rolls are amazing, too.”  She shrugged.  “I'm a big shrimp fan so your mileage may vary.”

“That's my favorite,” Ali said, her smile growing.  She then turned to her brother.  “Um, yeah, all that.”

“Hungry much?”

She laughed.  “PT makes me ravenous.”

“Being you makes you ravenous.”  He turned to Ashlyn and spoke in a quieter voice, shielding his mouth from Ali to pretend she wouldn't hear him.  “You should see her at Thanksgiving.”

“Right here,” Ali replied loudly, which caused them all to laugh.

“Okay, where am I going?” Kyle asked once they'd regained their composure.

Ashlyn explained how to get there and then waited for Kyle and Ali to say a quick farewell before he left.  She smirked at her patient then. “Oh this is going to be a blast.”

Ali rolled her eyes with a shake of her head.  “I can see you two ganging up on me already.”

“Nah, we'll laugh with you, not at you.”  Ashlyn took a step back and leaned on the right parallel bar.  “He seems like a trip.”

Ali's smile was probably the brightest Ashlyn had seen yet.  “He's incredible.  I don't think I could ask for a better brother.”

“Well, then I'm glad he's here for you.”  She motioned with her head toward Ali's leg.  “Now, let's get this session done so that when he gets back your lunch won't get cold.”

“You got it, boss,” Ali said as she again slowly bent her knee before moving her leg forward and taking another tentative step.

* * *

 

Ali laughed at the story Ashlyn was relaying to her and Kyle.  It felt amazing to just laugh like she used to with her friends and family.  She looked back and forth between her brother and her therapist and realized that, for the first time in what felt like forever, she was happy.  And as soon as she realized that, the reminder of why she hadn't been happy all these weeks came back to her.  She was happy and her friends were dead.  Hundreds had died that day and here she was laughing about Ashlyn's silly story.  The guilt washed over her instantly and her laughter died.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

Ashlyn's gentle voice, devoid of any hints of humor now, broke through her thoughts.  “What?  No, I'm fine.”

“So not convincing,” Kyle said as he put his takeout container on the bedside table and moved from the guest chair over to Ali's bed.  He sat down and ducked his head until Ali had no choice but to look at him.  “What's wrong?”

Ashlyn stood then and said with an awkward motion toward the door, “I'm going to get going.  I have a patient in a few minutes and I need to do some prep.  And you guys need some sibling time.  I'll see you later.”

“Bye, Ashlyn,” Kyle said.

“Bye,” Ali barely got out.  While she was sad to see Ashlyn go, a huge part of her was relieved her new friend was making a hasty retreat.  This way Ashlyn wouldn't have to see one of her dour moods yet again.  She was sure they were getting on Ashlyn's nerves.

Ashlyn gave her a sad smile and then a more supportive one to Kyle before quickly exiting the room, leaving the siblings alone.

“Okay, spill,” Kyle prompted.

Ali could feel the tears welling in her eyes and she wiped at them preemptively.  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering him. “I hate that I feel guilty for having just a moment of happiness.”

Kyle nodded and she could see in his eyes that his suspicions were confirmed.  “That's only natural, Alex.”

She couldn't help but have a small smile edge onto her lips.  Kyle didn't often call her Alex, unlike most of her family, but he did when he wanted her to know he was in full-on big brother mode.  Whether it was him consoling her after she had been teased as a child for being a jock or the night they spent crying on the phone together when she finally decided to give up her soccer dreams, he would always gently call her Alex and it would just make her feel so protected and loved for some reason.  “I know,” she whispered, her voice rough with emotion.  “Still sucks.”

He slid up onto the bed next to her and pulled her head down onto his shoulder.  “I know there's nothing I can say to make this better.”

“Being here helps so much,” she said around the emotional ball in her throat as she wrapped her arm around his torso.

“I'll always be here for you,” he said quietly before kissing the crown of her head.  “It's really okay to feel this way.  You're still grieving and guilt is part of that.”

She wiped at the tears leaking from her eyes and nodded into his shoulder.  “I know.  That's what my psychiatrist says, too.  I just wish it would end.  It's like I'm drowning. I keep finding these little gasps of happiness and then I get pulled back under again.”

“Give it time.  Someday soon it'll be the opposite.  You'll be mostly above water and that'll just get better as you go along.” He sighed quietly.  “You might never get to a point where you don't have short periods where you get pulled back down, but the balance will shift.  I know it might not feel like that right now, but in your head you know that, right?”

Of course she knew that.  Everyone always told her that time would heal the wounds inside her until the pain was just background noise.  And she knew that was likely what would happen.  But her heart still had a hard time believing it.  She was just so afraid that somehow the loss of her friends, the pain of that day, would keep pulling at her for the rest of her life so that she'd never truly be happy ever again.  “I know, but it's so hard to see that sometimes.  It helps when you're here.  You and Ashlyn are the two that make me believe it the most.”

“She likes you, you know,” he said with just the tiniest hint of teasing in his voice.

Ali closed her eyes and let out a quiet breath.  “Not you, too.”

“Too?”

“Mom said the same thing the first time she met Ash.”

Kyle's chuckle vibrated throughout Ali's body.  “She's observant, that mother of ours.”

Ali shook her head.  “I think you're both nuts.”

Kyle pushed her head away from his shoulder and gave her an incredulous look.  “Don't you see the way she looks at you?  She's very attracted to you.”

“She's my therapist,” she countered.  “Besides, I'm basically bedridden and grieving the death of my friends not to mention my _boyfriend._ ”

“I'm not saying she thinks you'll reciprocate, but she's still attracted to you.”  He shrugged and a hint of a playful smile touched his lips.  “You could do far worse.”

“Um, she's a she, also.  Don't forget that.”

“I seem to remember you telling me you kissed Carm in college once.”

“We were playing Truth or Dare and we were absolutely blitzed.  Besides it was Carm’s dare so I just went along for the ride.”

Kyle laughed as he playfully shoved his shoulder against hers.  “I know, I'm just teasing.  But, really, Ashlyn likes you.  Do with that information what you will.”

“I will.  I'll just file it away and not worry about it, because she's my therapist and my friend and I don't give a shit what else she feels for me.”  She rolled her eyes.  “She's far too professional to make a move anyway, even if she wanted to, which I doubt she would.”

“Why?  Because you're so broken no one will ever want you?”  Kyle stopped and sucked in a little breath, his eyes going wide as if he just realized what he said.

Ali took a deep breath to keep a sharp retort from escaping.  Instead she decided to stay calm and replied, “No, because I know her.  She wouldn't go after a straight girl.  She's too busy trying to figure out a love life that might have a chance anyway.”

“I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from,” Kyle said contritely.

“It's okay,” she said as she pulled her brother in for a hug.  “To be honest, I think about that sometimes.  I've been so hurt and damaged, and most of that is on the inside.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to really love someone because of that.”  She shrugged.  “Not that I was particularly good at love before. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been really in love.  Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.”  It wasn't exactly the first time that thought had gone through her mind.

“That's because you always hold a piece of yourself back, Ali.  One day you're going to meet someone you can finally be open with.  And then you'll fall in love.”  He laughed quietly.  “Not that I'm one to give love advice.  I've got the same problem.”

“Ah, we Krieger kids, what a pair we are,” Ali said over a soft laugh.

“Well, at least we'll always have each other,” he said a second before he pulled her in for another quick kiss to the top of her head.  “So, you up for a ride slash walk outside?  I saw there's a nice little garden area out there.”

“Yes, please,” she said with an enthusiastic nod, the pain pushed back just enough that she could feel a hint of happiness again.  “Some sunlight will do me good." 

“Your wish is my command.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Glad Kyle's there for Ali? I can always send him packing with some great job offer somewhere :)
> 
> Thanks for reading and leaving me notes and kudos. Y'all are awesome.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is taking a little while to get them going on their actual relationship, but it's coming up quickly. Need to do this one last bit of "housekeeping" so that the scene is set for Ali to finally catch a serious clue. Hoping the wait will be worth it.

Ashlyn sighed as she walked down the hall.  She was tired after a night out with some friends.  They'd gone to their favorite bar in the city and she had tried to be enthusiastic by the prospects of meeting someone, almost anyone to be honest.  And it wasn't like there weren't plenty of women around to choose from.  And yet she just couldn't get her mojo going.  And so she had gone home alone well before last call, only to find herself lying in her bed, visions of Ali's haunted eyes playing through her brain.  “You've got to stop this,” she chided herself under her breath.  “You have to stop thinking about her.  You're barking up an impossible tree.”

“What's that about an impossible tree?” Kyle came up to her on her left shoulder, the infectious grin that reminded her so much of his sister brightly shining on his face.  “Is my sister shrubbery now?”

“What?” Ashlyn said sharply, her heart thundering suddenly in her chest.  “What makes you think I was talking about her?”

He moved around in front of her to stop her steps.  With his arms crossed over his broad chest, he leaned casually against the wall and looked like he was trying—and failing miserably—to keep a grin off his face.  “You're not the most subtle person in the world, Ashlyn.  You're obviously attracted to her.”

_ Who wouldn't be? _  But of course she couldn't say it out loud.  Instead she tried to shrug it off.  “No, it's not Ali.  It's this other girl I've got my eye on.”

“Uh huh,” Kyle replied, clearly not convinced.  “Look, Ash.  Can I call you Ash?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, Ash, listen.  I can see it when you're around her.  Just that little bit yesterday and it was so obvious.  And I get it.  We've all been attracted to someone we believe we can't have.”

“Kyle,” she practically growled at him.  She barely knew him and to have him confront her like this just made her feel like she wanted to be anywhere but in that hallway.  “I'm not talking to you about this.”

“Hey, I'm not trying to go after you,” he said, his hands up in an obvious attempt to calm her.  “I just want you to know that she knows.”  He shrugged with the smallest of smiles.  “I pointed it out to her, but our mom was the first one to say something.”

Ashlyn sighed heavily as she fell against the wall.  She ran her fingers through her hair and shook her head slightly.  “I guess that explains last week when she was fishing to find out if I was gay.”

“Yeah, her gaydar has never been particularly on target.  She's got a ton of gay friends and she still can't reliably tell.”

Ashlyn laughed, feeling a little more at ease with Kyle now that the truth was out.  “I'm not sure I'm exactly hard to figure out.  Even my grandma figured it out before I told her.”

Kyle laughed loudly.  “My mom did the same thing with me.”  He got a little more serious then.  “Really, it doesn't bother Ali.  I just wanted to make sure you know that.  She's had lesbian friends who were attracted to her before.  It's never really phased her.”

“I'm glad to hear that,” Ashlyn said.  “I really just want to be her friend.  I mean, even that's not exactly professional, but I can't help it.  There's just something about her that's pulled me in.”

“Yeah, she does that.  You should see her when she's her normal happy self.”  He got a look on his face that told Ashlyn he was remembering a better time.  “She's like a magnet.”

Ashlyn smiled at Kyle.  “I'd say it runs in the family.”

“You making a pass at me?”  he asked before laughing loudly.

“As if!”  She laughed along with him.

When they both quieted, he patted her shoulder and gave her one of those Krieger smiles.  “Anyway, just be you with her.  I think you two will end up being pretty close. And to be honest, she really needs that right now.”

“Anything I can do to help,” she said, feeling that now familiar pull to take Ali's pain away.  She just wished she could find a way to accomplish that goal.

“You're pretty awesome, Ash.  I can see why Ali likes you so much.”  He nodded off toward the building's exit.  “I've got a few errands to run but I'll be back after your session.  Maybe I'll see you then.”

“All right, see you later then.”

Ashlyn watched as Kyle gave her a final smile before turning and striding down the hall toward the exit.  It wasn't until he'd disappeared through the door that she let her mind go back over the strange conversation with Kyle.  It was only then that she remembered something he said that struck her as especially weird.   _ We've all been attracted to someone we believe we can't have.   _ Her brow furrowed as the words went over and over in her head.  “Believe?  What's he trying to say with that?”

She shook her head, trying to chase the question from her thoughts.  Surely it was just a turn of phrase that he used.  He couldn't have possibly meant anything by it.  And thinking that he did was just going to drive her crazy, so she put it out of her head as she resumed her path to her next appointment.

* * *

 

Ali winced a little as she rotated her shoulder.  “Yeah, it still hurts when I reach straight up.”

Ashlyn nodded as she made a note on her tablet.  “That's to be expected.”

Ali dropped her arm and watched Ashlyn, waiting to see if her therapist would look up.  When she didn't, Ali nudged her with her right foot.  “What's up?  You're awfully quiet today.”

“What?”  Ashlyn's head shot up and she frowned.  She then let out a quiet chuckle.  “Sorry, I'm tired.  I was out with some friends last night and didn't get enough sleep.”

“Ah, being a social butterfly.  Well, if that's the reason, then I approve.”

Ashlyn's smile seemed a little forced.  “Yup, that's me, just doing the social thing all over the place.”  She let out a quiet sigh.  “Yeah, or maybe not.  But can we talk about something else?”

Ali was tempted to press but was already pretty good at reading Ashlyn and knew this wasn't exactly a time to really press her.  Instead she decided to try to draw Ashlyn out a little.  “Sure.  What do you want to talk about?”

Ashlyn started to say something but then stopped.  She gave Ali a look that seemed uncertain before she shrugged just a little.  “Would you tell me about Rick?  Or are you not ready to talk about him yet?”

Ali thought about it.  Her first instinct was to say she wasn't ready.  It still hurt that he'd died, of course, but she realized that the real reason she didn't want to talk about him was that she would have to admit the guilt she felt about so much of their relationship, even going all the way back to their childhood.  She looked into Ashlyn's eyes and just took in the steady understanding there.  Her new friend understood that this was hard for her and that support and calm in the hazel eyes made Ali want to put the pain out there.  She needed to.  So she took a deep breath and nodded.  “Sure.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn said as she put her tablet down onto the floor next to her and focused all of her attention on Ali.

“So, Rick moved into our neighborhood when we were both in third grade.  He and I became instant best friends because we both loved soccer, even at nine years old.  All we wanted to do was play and most days if we didn't have club practice or a game, he and I would be in my backyard going one-on-one against each other until we had to go home for dinner.  That kept up all the way through high school.  By then of course he was faster and stronger than I was so it was great for me to practice against him.  Practicing against me wasn't doing him much good.  But I never told him he should stop.  I was a little selfish about that.”

“He could have made that decision himself, Ali.”

“That's just it,” Ali said with a shake of her head.  “It turns out he was in love with me even back then.  He used soccer as a way to spend time with me because he was too afraid to ask me out on a date. And so he probably hurt his chances of getting a scholarship because he wasn't pushing himself enough.  Meanwhile I was the best player in the area—at least in part because of the work I did with him.  I got half a dozen offers for full scholarships to some of the best schools in the country and he didn't get any.  I went off to Penn State and he had to try to walk on at UVA.  He didn't make it and he ended up dropping out of school.”

“That's not your fault.”

“I know,” Ali offered as a reply.  “I have no idea if he would have gotten a scholarship or made the team even if he wasn't wasting his time working with me all through high school.”

Ashlyn cut in.  “I'm sure he didn't think it was a waste.”

“No, I know he didn't.  We talked about it a few months before the attacks.  It was what he wanted.  I still wish he'd made the team and finished school.  He most likely would be alive today if he had.”  She frowned as the could-have-beens went through her mind.  “When he dropped out, he got a job at an office supply store and ended up becoming a volunteer firefighter to fill the time.  He loved it and eventually became a career firefighter in DC, but he still volunteered as much as he could at our station.”

Ashlyn smiled encouragingly.  “So, is he the one who got you involved with the fire department?”

“Yeah.  After I came back from Germany, I stayed with my dad while I went back to finish my degree and then while I got my masters.  Rick's parents still lived in the same house so I'd see him sometimes and we reconnected.  I didn't have the time while I was in grad school, but the summer before I started my teaching job I had lots of free time so I joined the department and became an EMT.  I had absolutely no desire to go running into burning buildings so I skipped the fire side.  Working accident scenes and knocking on strangers' doors was enough danger for me.  Of course in the end it turns out it didn't matter.  I ended up in the most dangerous scene imaginable anyway.”

Ashlyn gave her a sad smile but luckily didn't push to discuss the attacks.  “And somewhere along the way you started dating?”

“Yeah.”  Ali felt that familiar pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach when she thought about her relationship with Rick.  “I loved him as a dear friend and I guess I assumed that would develop into more. I mean, it did a little, but never as much as I thought it should.”  She let out a dry puff of laughter.  “I don't know, maybe I just assume love is something that it really isn't.  I always think I just haven't met that guy that will really ignite something in me, but maybe that only happens in the movies.”

“It can happen,” Ashlyn said with the smallest hint of sadness in her hazel eyes.

Ali's heart clenched for the shadow of pain on Ashlyn's face.  The love she had for Jess had to have been powerful if it still hurt so much this many years later.  “Well, one day hopefully I'll know,” she said to deflect attention away from the sore subject.

There was a silence then that followed as they both just sat there, eyes focused on each other.  Ali felt her heart rate pick up as she just got drawn further and further into Ashlyn's gaze.  It was soothing, caring, and yet a little exciting as well.  Finally it was just too powerful and she blinked before averting her gaze.  “I should have let him go a long time before the attacks. Maybe he would have found someone who truly loved him while he was still alive.”

“Don't torture yourself with that,” Ashlyn said softly as she put her hand gently on Ali's knee.

“You sound like my shrink,” Ali said with a self-conscious laugh.

“Smart shrink,” Ashlyn said with a smile.  “I bet you know you have to let that guilt go.”

Ali's eyes fell until they found Ashlyn's hand resting on her leg.  She watched as Ashlyn, likely unconsciously, ran her thumb up and down along the side of her knee.  It again brought up that increasingly familiar feeling of calm and buzzing energy that her interactions with Ashlyn seemed to elicit more and more.  Finally, she took a deep breath to push those feelings to the back of her mind and she looked up.  “Easier to know than to believe.”

“Knowing is at least part of the battle.”

Ali nodded.  “Yeah.”

Again they fell into a silence, but this time it was easier somehow.  Ali closed her eyes and took in a soothing breath as she felt a measure of calm fall over her.  It wasn't until Ashlyn's hand squeezed her knee that she opened her eyes.  “We should finish up here,” Ashlyn pointed out.  “Kyle will be back soon.”

Ali smiled.  “Okay.”  She was both relieved that the line of conversation was over and yet disappointed that their interaction was now going to return to a professional one.  It was during these small glimpses into Ashlyn as her friend and not just as her therapist that Ali felt more like herself than she had since the attacks.  “More rotations?” she asked as she lifted her arm out to her side.

“Yeah, give me five more and then we'll work on some weights.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and commenting and kudoing!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should be titled "Krieger catches a clue". Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Thanks to you all for reading, leaving comments and kudos. Love that so many of you are enjoying this.
> 
> Not entirely sure I'll get a chapter out next week. Things will be busy. But I'll try. If not I'll have something out earlier in the following week for sure.

Ali smirked at her brother, who sat at the foot of her bed with his legs crossed and a goofy grin on his face.“You know you can always go stay at my place with Mom.”

Kyle barked out a loud laugh.“I don't know which is worse, Mom or Dad.Not that I don't love them both, but a man in his thirties shouldn't be living with either one.The faster I find a place the better.”

“And yet you're here with me instead of out looking,” Ali pointed out.

Kyle's grin spread into a full-blown smile.“I haven't had a chance to see you in a month and, let's face it, you were far from your best a month ago.”

Ali sighed quietly.“I'm not exactly at the top of my game right now.”

“No, but you're definitely doing tons better.”He patted her left leg gently.“You'll get there.”

“I hope so,” she said, but she realized she sounded less than optimistic.

Kyle gave her a lopsided smile but luckily didn't press her on her tone like he had a few times since arriving the day before.Instead he flipped onto his side and propped his head up on his right arm.“Hey, have you heard from Karolina lately?”

Ali's eyebrow rose.“German Karolina?”

“No, North Korean Karolina.Of course German Karolina.Is there another one?”He shook his head with an amused snort.

She shrugged.“Just Facebook and Twitter.But we haven't really communicated since her daughter was born last year.Why are you asking?”

“I don't know,” he said, but he was obviously lying.

She let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine, what do you want to know?”She knew when he got on one of his fact finding missions, that it was just best not to fight it, because he was usually like a dog with a new bone and there was no deterring him.

“Do you remember the night you called me?It had to be about 4 in the morning in Germany.”

“Yeah and I was drunk and crying.Not one of my better nights.”

“I just...”He trailed off and suddenly seemed a little unsure of himself.“I never really asked you.Why were you so upset?”

Ali let out a long sigh and fell back heavily on her pillows.She looked up at the ceiling, her mind going back to that night when Karolina had come over to share her good news.It had been so hard to be excited for her friend's engagement for some reason, but Ali had made the best of it.What had started as two friends toasting new beginnings had ended long after Karolina left with Ali finishing off the bottle of Jägermeister alone and then calling Kyle, hoping he could somehow make her feel better.“She was my best friend over there, the one person I knew I could turn to and she was going to get married and move halfway across the country.She wasn't going to have that much time for me and I guess I was just scared about having to get through life over there by myself.I mean, I was starting to feel comfortable but it was still scary sometimes.”She glanced down at Kyle and could tell from his facial expression that he wasn't buying what she was selling.“Okay, seriously, cut to the chase and just tell me what you're getting at.”

Kyle looked hesitant for a moment until he shrugged.“I think you had feelings for her and you were upset she was getting married because you were losing her.”

“What?” She sat up, her heart pounding suddenly.For a split second she felt like that time her mother caught her and Dean Chandler quickly rounding second base in her bedroom.Only this time there was no excuse for the moment of panic that came from being caught.So instead she laughed to cover the feeling and gave her brother a quizzical look.“Where the hell did that come from?”

He also sat up and leaned forward toward her.“That wasn't just some friend who was going to move to a new city, Ali.That was more.And I haven't said anything before this, because, well, I don't know why.I guess I didn’t want to press you.But you've got a chance to make a new start for yourself as you literally get back on your feet and maybe being really honest with yourself will help.A new outlook on life can't hurt.”

She bit her tongue to keep from throwing the sudden well of emotions back at her brother.Instead she took a deep breath and tried to come up with a measured response.“So, what you're saying is that I'm lying to myself and I'm actually a lesbian.”

“No, that's not what I'm saying.”He shrugged then.“Well, not totally.I just think that maybe it's possible that you had feelings for Karolina.I'm not saying you haven't had feelings for the guys you've dated.Just that maybe you're capable of more.”

“Oh, so I'm bi.Right.”She couldn't figure out why Kyle was even bringing this up let alone how he came to this conclusion from one weepy phone call.“Is this some 'I don't want to be the only gay Krieger kid' wish fulfillment thing?”

He shook his head and let out a long, slow breath.“No, it's just something that has been on my mind on and off since that night.And I think that maybe you haven't let yourself think about it at all, because it doesn't fit with how you see yourself.But now that you have almost died twice, don't you think it's time to start taking life by the horns and living as truly as you can?”

“What do you mean it doesn't fit with how I see myself?”

“Don't take this the wrong way,” Kyle started.

“Oh, I'm probably going to take it the wrong way,” she warned. 

He put his hand up in a calming gesture.“It's just you've always been the popular girl.You're pretty and outgoing and smart and you were an amazing athlete.Things have been damned easy for you.”

“Almost died twice,” she cut in.

“Well, besides that.But just in general.You're the person everyone wants to be friends with,” he said, his voice staying very calm as he tried to explain himself. “I mean the worst thing that happened to you in school was that one guy who kept teasing you about your build.”

“He said I had a boy's body.”

“Yeah.And you do realize that having that be the worst thing anyone said about you in high school is getting off about as light as possible, right?”

She looked at him and remembered all the teasing he got over the years.Some kids had been incredibly cruel to Kyle throughout high school and that had definitely been a factor in his path to addiction.The few nights she had cried about Adam Tidswell teasing her were nothing in comparison.And yet Kyle had sat on her bed then, too, and patiently listened and supported her.When Adam had suddenly stopped teasing her she'd suspected that Kyle had had something to do with that, although she had never asked him.Knowing her brother, he wouldn't want her to mention it.“Yes, I got off easy.”

He nodded.“So, I think you maybe being attracted to Karolina, or any other woman for that matter, well it doesn't fit with being the perfect popular girl.It's not what your friends expect, it's not what Mom or Dad expect.And it's certainly not what you expect.And so maybe you never really considered it.So instead, you subconsciously built up a story in your head to explain your feelings.”Kyle shrugged.“Let's face it, sometimes we can all be a little oblivious to things about ourselves that we don't want to face.”

“Only problem with your theory, Dr. Freud, is I don't see anything wrong with being gay.So, how would falling in love with a woman make me less 'perfect'?”.She airquoted the last word.

For a moment it looked like he was going to continue to argue but then his shoulders slumped and he audibly sighed.“Okay, fine, maybe I'm wrong.Sorry.”

The fact he backed down so quickly surprised her and made her pause.It was in that hesitation that it finally came to her.“This is about Ashlyn.What are you trying to do, play matchmaker or something?”

“No, I just...” He shrugged.“I just wonder is all.”

She rolled her eyes at him.“Ashlyn is my therapist and, yes, she's becoming my friend.That is all.”

“You sure?”

“Yes,” she said with an exasperated sigh.“Now, can we put this to bed?Ashlyn's going to be here soon to get me for our session and I'd rather not be having this conversation when she comes in.I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.”

He nodded. “Sure.I've got a few more errands to run anyway.Do you need anything?”

“No, I'm good.”

He patted her left leg and jumped off the bed, obviously anxious to be out of the room.“Okay, I'll see you later.”

“Bye,” she said as he quickly made an exit.When she was finally alone again she fell back against her pillows and took a deep breath as she tried to get her heart to stop pounding.She closed her eyes and shook her head.“He's nuts,” she whispered to herself. _Of course he is._ Then the memory of Karolina's bright blue eyes flashed through her mind and her heart raced for another totally different reason.It didn't stop when those eyes turned hazel and Ashlyn's dimpled face came into focus in her head.“Or not,” she said as she deflated back into the bed.“Oh God!”

* * *

 

Ashlyn started to walk into Ali's room but then stopped when she saw the brunette lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling.  Ali's mind was clearly somewhere else and it gave Ashlyn a chance for an unabashed look at her.  She had long since given up any pretense about her feelings for her patient, so having the chance to just watch her for a few moments brought the biggest smile to her face.  At least that was until she heard Ali sigh heavily.

“Hey you,” Ashlyn said enthusiastically as she finished entering the room.

Ali sat up quickly, a look of surprise on her face.“Um, hi.Didn't realize it was that late.”

Ashlyn laughed as she came over and sat on the foot of Ali's bed.“Time flies when you're staring up at the ceiling?”

“Huh?”Ali laughed then quietly added,“Oh, that.Just plotting my world domination is all.”

“Right,” Ashlyn agreed even though she could tell Ali was covering for something.She didn't want to press the brunette, knowing that Ali certainly had a lot to get through with the attacks and losing so many of her friends, especially Rick.Instead she gave Ali a gentle smile.“How about we worry about dominating the parallel bars for one last day?I even have a little soccer drill planned.”

“What?” Ali's face was hard to read as it seemed to vacillate between surprise and sadness.“I can't play yet, Ashlyn.”

“No, of course not, but you can stand at the end of the bars and kick the ball a little bit.It'll be a good way to get you to work on your knee mobility.We'll try just a few soft kicks, nothing major.”Ashlyn's smile went playful.“You've got a while until you're ready to really take me on.”

As Ashlyn had hoped, Ali rose to the bait.“Oh, you wait Harris.When I'm recovered, you won't stand a chance.”

Ashlyn's heart rate rose as she heard a totally different meaning to Ali's words than she was sure the brunette meant. _If only._ She shook her head just a little to chase the thoughts away and chuckled quietly.“We'll see.Okay, now, let's get a move on.I don't have all day for you to lounge in bed.And if you're really good, there could be a massage in your future.”

Ali's eyes went huge for a split second as a rosy tint came to her cheeks.Ashlyn was now familiar with this reaction whenever she would spring the suggestion of a massage on Ali, and that was certainly one of the reasons the therapist did it. But Ali's recovery from the moment of surprise was swift.“You're on.”

“Okay, let's get to it then.”

* * *

 

Ali waited for the familiar click of the massage room door before she closed her eyes and let out a sigh.  “Why the hell did I agree to this?”  The butterflies in her stomach were in a battle to the death and her heart was pounding hard in her chest.  _And how the hell did I not figure this before now?  First Karolina, now Ashlyn.  I'm so fucking clueless._   Ignorance was perhaps bliss when it came to being in imminent intimate confines with Ashlyn.  Unfortunately for her she was far from ignorant any longer.  She took a deep breath, trying to calm her heart and the nervousness overwhelming her, but it only partially worked.  “It's just a massage.”

With a determined nod of her head, she began disrobing until she was down to just her panties.Then she climbed up onto the table and got settled on her stomach, all the while trying to clear her mind, but the discussion she had with Kyle earlier in the day and her realization about her feelings for Ashlyn kept playing on repeat in her head.She still couldn't even believe she had been so oblivious to the attraction that now seemed so incredibly obvious.All through their physical therapy session all she had to do was look at Ashlyn and her heart would start to race.Surely that had been the case before.How could she have been so blind?

“You ready?”

Ali jumped but somehow managed not to emit any sound.She had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard the quiet creak of the door.“Sure,” she said as her heart rate fell just a smidgen from its racing pace.“After the display of my mad soccer skills, I expect to get a massage worthy of my awesomeness.”She was hoping humor would distract her from all the thoughts and feelings that were threatening to overwhelm her.

Ashlyn gave her an appraising look.“I suppose it wasn't bad considering your condition.It'll get better.”

“Oh, just you wait,” Ali said.The joking bravado was settling the nervousness in her stomach enough to make it bearable.“When I'm healed up, you'll be watching balls fly by you left and right.”

“We'll see,” Ashlyn said with a knowing grin as she moved the wheelchair over into the corner of the room.“You ready to get started, Mia Hamm?”

Ali laughed and gave the blonde an eye roll.“You betcha.”She turned her head until it was positioned in the hole of the headrest and stretched her arms down her sides.With her face hidden, she closed her eyes and willed all the nervous tension in her gut to go away. _Just relax.It's just a massage.Just relax._ Unfortunately the mantra didn't work as well as she would have liked.

Ashlyn started up the gentle jazz music she liked to play and then came over to stand by Ali's left shoulder.“Okay, I'm going to start on your shoulders first.Ready?”

Ashlyn had obviously learned from their previous massages to be very vocal about what she was about to do.Thinking back, Ali wasn't surprised, in light of her recent revelation, that she had reacted so viscerally to Ashlyn's hands moving about her body that first time. _So fucking clueless_ , she realized.She let out a long, slow breath to make yet another attempt to calm the pounding of her heart and nodded.“Sure am.”

The first moment that Ashlyn's hands gently touched her bare skin, Ali felt a jolt go through her, quickly followed by a warming comfort that surprisingly relaxed her.She let out a quiet sigh of relief as she felt herself just melt into Ashlyn's touch.She certainly had thought she would feel far more uncomfortable with the blonde's hands on her, but the fact that it felt comforting, even natural somehow, was so welcoming that she was able to let herself drift off. 

Unlike her previous massages with her therapist, she didn't jump when Ashlyn moved to a different part of her body, even though the verbal warning barely registered in her relaxed brain.In fact, toward the end, she drifted just this side of slipping off to sleep.It was absolutely heavenly.Even turning over so Ashlyn could move to the front of her body didn't lift the wonderful haze she was under.It wasn't until Ashlyn's hands stilled in her hair after the final scalp massage that Ali's eyes flickered open.“That was amazing, Ash,” she whispered.

The blonde smiled down at her.“I'm glad you enjoyed it.”She went over and wiped he hands on a towel.“Take your time getting dressed.”She started to head toward the door.

“Ash,” Ali started, not even sure what she was going to say.

Ashlyn turned back to her just before she reached the door.“Yeah?”

Suddenly too many thoughts were flying through Ali's head and she couldn't make heads or tails of them.So, she stammered out a quiet thank you.She was sure she was blushing so she was thankful for the dimmed lights in the room.

“Any time,” Ashlyn said, clearly a little suspicious of Ali's attempt to cover up.With a quiet chuckle and amused shake of her head, the blonde pointed over her shoulder.“I'll be just outside.Let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do,” Ali said, her heart rate slowing just a hair and the heat in her cheeks slowly dissipating.She waited for Ashlyn to leave the room and close the door before she let out a huge breath.She rubbed at her face as she tried, mostly in vain, to just let the awkwardness of the last few seconds go.“Just take your time and figure this out.No need to rush into anything or act like an idiot.Just keep it cool and whatever is going to happen will happen.Okay?Okay.”The little pep talk helped calm the nervous energy that continued to permeate her.“First thing's first, get dressed.”She chuckled quietly at how simple she was trying to break down her actions, but she knew that focusing on the present would be a big help in getting through these moments with Ashlyn until she had time to really figure out what she was feeling.

She might still have been surprised and a little confused about what she was feeling, but she knew one thing.She couldn't risk hurting Ashlyn by jumping into something she wasn't ready for.That was the last thing she wanted to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Thanks.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New pseud...just needed a little change.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter...baby steps before monster steps to come.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and leaving comments. Means so much to me.

Debbie smiled and held up a big brown paper bag as she swept into the room.“Indian.”

Ali's eyes went wide at the size of the bag.“Tell me Dad or Kyle or preferably both of them are joining us, because that's a shit load of food.”

“Language, Alexandra,” her mother scolded with the hint of a smile to obviously take a little of the sting out of it.

“I seem to remember you telling me when I was a teenager that I could curse all I wanted to once I turned 18.Since that was fourteen years ago, I think I'm in the clear.”

“Details,” Debbie said with a dismissive wave of her hand.She put the food down on Ali's bedside table.“And, no, it's just you and me tonight.Kyle is checking out an apartment and your father, well...”

Ali sighed heavily.Her father had only been to visit once since she'd come to Remington and that was only for twenty minutes.“He really doesn't like to see me in here, does he?”

Debbie shook her head with a frown. “None of us do, but he's just not good at handling that.”

Ali nodded. “I get that.He’s never been all that great with emotions and I know I’ll always be his little girl.”

“He will always feel like he should be there to protect you, even when logically he can’t.”Debbie sat down on the edge of Ali’s bed and tapped her left leg gently.“It’s really hard as a parent to see your kids be hurt, whether that’s physically or emotionally.You’ll find that out when you have kids of your own.”

“I guess.”She sighed, wondering if she’d ever have children at the rate she was going.Certainly up until this point it didn’t seem all that likely since she’d never dated anyone she wanted to build a life with, but now things were heading in such a different direction that she had no idea what the future held.It wasn’t that she didn’t think she could have kids if things went somewhere with Ashlyn. Of course she could and likely would.It was just everything was so confusing, exciting, and certainly even frightening was all, and, well, it made it hard to think past the current minute let alone to years ahead. She looked at her mother and smiled.If anyone could help her sort through her feelings, it was her mother. “Hey, listen, would you shut the door?I want to talk to you about something.”

Debbie got serious as she nodded and went to close the door.She then sat on the foot of Ali's bed and put her hand on her daughter's leg, squeezing it gently.“What's up?”

“I, um,” Ali began as nervousness rumbled through her stomach.It was stupid, of course, to be nervous about talking with her mother about her feelings for Ashlyn, and yet her stomach was suddenly in a ball.She took a deep breath and smiled, “So, I've started to figure something out and it's probably going to be surprising for you.I mean I'm surprised and I’m the one experiencing it.And, well, I mean I'm still not entirely sure what's going on with me or what I'm really feeling, but I—”

“Alex,” Debbie said forcefully.

Ali stopped short and then just laughed because of all the built up nervous energy needing to get out.“Sorry, rambling.”

“It's okay.Just explain to me what you're surprised about.”

Ali nodded and let out a deep breath.“Okay, well, I think I might be attracted to Ashlyn.”

Debbie's eyebrows shot up under her bangs.“Okay,” she drew out.“You're right.Not exactly what I was expecting you to say.”She seemed to let her mind spin for a few seconds before she smiled as she got up off the bed.She came up to sit next to Ali’s hip and wrapped her in a tight hug.“Obviously it doesn’t matter who you’re attracted to.You know that, right?”

Ali laughed as she felt an unconscious rush of relief wash over her.“Of course.You were always so good about Kyle, even back to when he was little. I knew you’d be supportive.”

Debbie pulled out of the hug and gave her daughter a slightly lopsided smile.“Well, he wasn’t exactly hard to figure out.I know I shouldn’t stereotype, but I never would have thought you’d fall for a woman.”

Ali laughed as she felt a little heat rise to her cheeks.“Me either.”She let out a breath and shrugged.“Who knows, maybe this is why I’ve never had much luck with guys.I’ve never felt like I wanted to build a life with any of the guys I dated.”

“I always thought that might be because you saw how things went with your father and me.”

Ali nodded slightly and pursed her lips as she considered her mother’s thought.“Good point.Who knows, maybe that was it and I’m just building this up to be more than it is.”

Debbie looked at her daughter for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed deeply.“So are you saying you might feel like you want to build a life with Ashlyn?”

The question seemed ridiculous and yet she couldn’t help but have a little glimmer of hope of the future to come. “It’s way too early to tell.I mean, I haven’t even told her what I’m feeling yet.”She shrugged with just the hint of a smile.“I really only started to figure it out yesterday and I’m still sorting it out myself.Kyle basically pointed it out to me.”

“Smart son of mine.”

Ali smiled with a nod.“I denied it, though, so he doesn’t know for sure.First he told me he thought I had been in love with Karolina back in Germany and then I figured out he brought that up because of Ash.I don’t know why, but I panicked a little and told him he was nuts.”

“So, Ashlyn isn’t the first?”

Ali shrugged.“Not sure. My head’s been swimming so much the past day trying to figure things out with Ashlyn that I haven’t really had much time to think about Karolina.Maybe.I don’t know.”She let out a quiet sigh.“That’s in the past regardless.”

Debbie reached up and smoothed down Ali’s hair gently.“So, what are you going to do about this?”

“Well, first I need a little bit of time to just figure this out for sure, to get used to it I guess.”She let out a quiet chuckle.“I mean you should have seen how panicked I was when Ash suggested she give me a massage after our session yesterday.”

Debbie laughed loudly.“Oh, I can imagine.I remember the look of horror on your face before you had to give that speech your senior year in high school.I know the panicked Alex look well.” 

“Yeah, about like that.”Ali thought back on the events of the previous day.“I didn’t want to give into that panic or let her know something was up so I had no choice but to say yes.And it actually went really well.”She smiled broadly.“For a moment I kind of freaked out but then it was like the most comforting feeling having her take care of me like that.I almost fell asleep I was so relaxed after a little while.”

“That sounds like a good sign.”

“Yeah.”Ali sighed as she thought a little more about her reactions and uncertainty about everything.“You don’t think I’m just overreacting to the fact that she has been very caring, do you?”

Debbie got a serious expression on her face as she obviously thought through Ali’s question.Finally she shrugged a little.“I certainly can’t answer that question for you, Alex.Only you can answer that.But I know you pretty well.If anything, you are so cautious when it comes to opening up your heart that I don’t think you’d glom onto someone just because they care about you.A lot of people care about you and you haven’t fallen for them.”She patted Ali’s arm.“Don’t go looking for excuses not to have these feelings, okay?”

Ali smiled as she felt herself blush ever so slightly.“You’re right.I don’t want to try to find excuses for what I’m feeling.But I also don’t want to kid myself.”She sighed heavily.“I’m so horrible at my own feelings.”

Debbie shrugged.“Maybe this is your chance to get more in touch with them.You need to learn to just trust yourself, Alex.It’s okay to be uncertain and to even be scared about it.Have you considered just talking to Ashlyn and telling her what you’ve just told me?”

“I don’t want to get her hopes up.”

Her mother smiled.“So you believe me now?”

Ali smirked.“Well since Kyle said the same thing I guess I have to.It’s definitely possible.”

Debbie laughed.“Oh it’s more than possible.”She then got more serious.“Think about it.I don’t know her as well as you do, but she seems like someone who would help you without expecting too much.”

But Ali knew it wasn’t that simple.If anything, Ashlyn was more likely to run like hell if she found out Ali had feelings for her.So it just made sorting out her own emotions all that much more difficult.She couldn’t dare go to Ashlyn until she was sure, and even then it was likely to go pear-shaped if she didn’t approach Ashlyn properly.“I’ll give it some serious thought.”

Debbie wrapped Ali back into her arms and whispered into her ear, “You’ll figure this out and I hope it’ll lead to you finding some happiness.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Ali said as she returned the embrace.As they pulled apart, Ali smiled at her mother.“Now, we better eat before our curry gets cold.”

“You got it.”

* * *

Ashlyn adjusted the set of steps between the parallel bars and then looked at it critically.  Steps were the last big hurdle before Ali would be able to move to outpatient therapy.  Ashlyn frowned as she realized that soon she wouldn’t see Ali almost every day.  But still she needed to focus on her patient’s recovery.  That was the most important part.  And, besides, they were becoming friends.  Even after Ashlyn passed Ali off to an outpatient therapist, they’d see each other, only then it would be socially.  But before that time could come, they would have to tackle steps.  And then there was the surprise she had planned.

As if on cue, the door opened and Debbie pushed Ali’s wheelchair into the rehab room.“We’re here,” the older woman announced.

Ashlyn turned around and smiled at the mother and daughter.“Perfect timing.You up for some steps?”

Ali looked at the steps and then back up at Ashlyn.“Can I just use my right leg?”

“Nice try.”Ashlyn looked up at Debbie.“You’re welcome to stay and watch me torture your daughter.”

“Actually I need to get going.I’m meeting up with an old friend for coffee.You girls have a good time.”Debbie leaned down and squeezed Ali’s shoulders.“Call me later and tell me how it goes.”

“Hopefully the report won’t be that I fell on my ass over and over again.Have fun with Jane.”She gave her mother a quick peck on the cheek and then watched her leave the room before turning back to Ashlyn.“Am I really ready for steps?”

“You can’t get out of here without being able to do a flight of steps.You said you don’t have an elevator at your apartment building.”

“I wouldn’t take it if I did.I hate elevators.”Ali pushed herself up to a standing position, her eyes still focused warily on the steps.

“Let me guess.You either got crunched by the doors as a kid or got stuck in one.”Ashlyn moved out of the way so that Ali could come over to the parallel bars.

“Stuck,”Ali replied.“I won’t get in an elevator at all unless there are other people on it.Usually I just take the stairs unless it’s a ridiculous number of floors.”She laughed quietly.“Like basically going to the top of the Empire State Building ridiculous.”

“Well, that’s one way to keep your fitness up.Okay, stair fanatic, I just want you to take the one step with your left leg.Try not to use the bars too much to pull yourself up.”Ashlyn crossed her arms over her chest and smiled.“If you can get up one step without pulling yourself up then I’ve got a surprise for you tomorrow evening.A little outing."

Ali had just started to lift her left leg but stopped and looked over at Ashlyn.“An outing?”

“A surprise.You don’t have plans, do you?”Ashlyn tried to suppress the smile that threatened to come out.She loved teasing Ali, but she also could barely contain her plans.It was going to be hard not to spill the beans before they got to their destination.

“Ha ha, funny.So, no clues?”Ali hefted her eyebrow a little playfully.

Ashlyn had to bite her tongue to keep it from spilling out. _She has to know what she’s doing when she’s kind of flirty like that, right?_ She took a deep breath to settle the fluttering in her stomach.“You’ll get some fresh air and get some good walking in.I think you’ll love it.”

Ali pursed her lips and looked like she was going to say something, but instead just laughed.“Okay, I trust you.What time?”

“I’ll pick you up at 6.”

Ali laughed. “You sure this isn’t a date?”

“What?” Ashlyn said loudly before she could temper her shock.“Funny,” she said, trying to cover up her overreaction to Ali’s joke.“Should I bring you a corsage?”

“If you do, make sure it’s blue.They’ll match my sweat pants.”Ali frowned.“What do I need to wear?I can get my mom to bring me some jeans if that’d be better.”

“Yeah, that might be better.And bring a light jacket.It might be cool once the sun sets.”

“Got it.”

Ashlyn wanted to move away from the topic of her surprise now that the arrangements had been made.So, she nodded at Ali.“Okay, Krieger, up the step.”

Ali sighed heavily.“Yes, ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Also, do any of you like darker stories? I'm trying to decide on my next story and have a crazy idea that's on the darker side (darker than either of my stories here by a fair margin). Just curious if I should run with it or try something a little more "normal". If you read my previous story, you can probably guess I shy away from normal :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like I either lost a number of readers or people missed the last chapter. If you didn't see Ali's talk with her mom about her feelings for Ash, head back a chapter before reading this one.
> 
> Sorry I took last week off. Things were busy and stuff.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the "date" :)

Ashlyn felt the knot in her stomach grow as they drove closer and closer to their destination.“How you doing?”

Ali looked out the window of the car Ashlyn had borrowed to give Ali easier access than her high up Jeep.“Are we going to my school?This is the back way there.”

“You’ll see,” Ashlyn sing-songed back.

Ali shook her head in amusement.“And I’m doing okay.I wish I knew where we were going, though.”

As Ashlyn turned onto Forest Park Drive she couldn’t help but smile.“I guess I’m busted.”

“So busted,” Ali said, her voice seeming a little tight.“What are we doing here?”

As Ashlyn pulled into the school parking lot, she motioned with her head to the lights shining over one of the nearby athletic fields. “Your girls have a big home game tonight.I thought you might want to come see them take on Woodbridge.Word is, if they win, they clinch a spot in the league tournament.”

Ali’s eyes got wide and she looked a little scared, if Ashlyn were being honest.“Ashlyn,” Ali started but then she stopped.It was then that Ashlyn noticed tears in the brown eyes looking at her.“I can’t believe you did this.”

“So it’s okay?We don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.I talked with Rob Davis and he’s the only one who knows you’re coming.I told him not to tell the team. Just in case.” 

Ali seemed to ponder the question for a moment before she nodded.“I want to see the girls.I miss them.”

Ashlyn smiled as she turned down a row of cars, trying to find a parking space not far from the field.“Only if you’re sure.”When Ali didn’t answer, Ashlyn looked over at her and noticed she was pale and her eyes seemed out of focus.“Ali?”There was no response.“Krieger, are you okay?”

“Move the car,” Ali finally said, sounding breathless.“Please, move the car to someplace else.”

Ashlyn quickly pulled to the end of the row of cars and peeled off toward an empty area of the lot quite a bit further away from the cars parked closer to the field.“What just happened?” she asked as she pulled the car into a space out in the middle of nowhere.

“Sorry,” Ali said with her eyes focused on her lap.“I don’t know what came over me.”

Ashlyn watched as Ali’s chest rose quickly with each gasping breath.“You panicked.”She looked back over her shoulder to where they had been when Ali first started to have problems.“Was it the cars?Too many of them?”

Ali looked back at the cars as well and then turned back to Ashlyn.“Yeah.”

“Like the staging area before the attack?”

Ali’s eyes went wide even as her breathing started to calm.“I guess.Probably.”

Ashlyn reached out and took Ali’s hands in her own.“It’s okay.”When Ali’s eyes fell like she was embarrassed, Ashlyn reached under the brunette’s chin and tipped her face up.“It’s understandable.It’ll take time, but for now, we’ll do what you can handle.It won’t be long before lots of vehicles won’t bother you anymore.”

Ali swallowed loudly.“But now we’re pretty far from the field.I can’t walk that far.”

“I can.”Ashlyn got out of the car and came around to the passenger side.She opened the door and knelt down next to Ali.“You can piggyback until we’re closer, then you can walk.Okay?”

Ali finally laughed as she shook her head in amusement.“Piggyback?Really?”

“I’ll be your personal thoroughbred.”Ashlyn gave out a loud whinny.“Come on.”

Ali rolled her eyes even as she maneuvered her legs out of the car.It took them a minute until she was safely on Ashlyn’s back, her cane tucked between them so her hands were free to hold on.As they made their way across the parking lot, Ashlyn playfully trotted a few times, which earned her one of Ali’s wonderful laughs each time.Then when they made it to the gate that led to the field, Ashlyn gently let her charge down onto the ground.“I think you can make it from here.”

Ali leaned on her cane and smiled a bright toothy grin.“Thank you.That was actually pretty fun.”

“Anytime,” Ashlyn said with a slight bow.“Now, I think I can hear the familiar sounds of girls warming up.Shall we get going?”

“Most definitely.”

* * *

Ali knew she sounded more confident than she felt. In all reality, her heart was pounding and the hand that was holding her cane was so slippery with sweat she was afraid she’d lose her grip. But she wanted to see her team so badly that she just pushed the tension away.  Being with Ashlyn helped.  She had to admit, it helped almost everything, from her panicked reaction to the cars to the nervousness of seeing her girls for the first time since the attack.  She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked over at Ashlyn.  “Thanks again for doing this.  You don’t know how much it means to me.”

“I think I might have a sneaking suspicion.Now let’s go see how your team is doing without their brilliant coach.”

That made Ali laugh. “I’ve been checking them out online.They’ve done really well without me.Maybe I’ll go coach another sport next year.”

“Oh, I think you had more to do with your team doing so well this year than you think.”Ashlyn gave her a single-armed side hug.“Rob told me they talk about you all the time and say they are playing for you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Just then they came around the corner of the fence and walked out onto the field she had come to know so well during her time coaching the varsity team.Her girls, dressed in their green and blue kits, were running through warmup drills while the two goalkeepers, who were decked out in their pink jerseys, were taking a few easy warmup shots in goal.For just a moment everything that had happened over the last few months just fell away and she was right where she was supposed to be.“It’s good to be home,” she whispered so quietly she doubted even Ashlyn had heard her.

“Coach Krieger!” one of the girls shouted and then they were suddenly all racing toward her.Ashlyn quickly took a step back and placed a hand in the square of Ali’s back, giving her support from the onrushing flock of high school girls.Before she could barely brace herself with her cane, the first of them reached her and she was suddenly engulfed in a huge team hug.

“Hi, everyone.It’s so good to see all of you,” she called out loudly, hoping they’d all hear her over the giggles and greetings coming from both the returning players and even the newer ones who she hadn’t had a chance to really meet before that February morning robbed her of this season.

“Okay, girls, give her some air,” Rob said as he approached the group.He worked his way through all the players and came over to wrap Ali in his strong arms.“Good to see you Krieger.”

“You, too, RD.”When he let her go, she smiled at the group all standing there looking at her.“What are you all waiting for?You’ve got a game.Go warm up!”

With a round of giggles and a few cries of “yes coach” the girls all went back to their previous drills.

Rob smiled at Ali before looking behind her.“So, you must be Ashlyn.”

“Nice to meet you Rob,” Ashlyn replied as she held her hand out to shake his.

Once the introduction was over, Rob wrapped his arm over Ali’s shoulder and started to walk with her over toward the home team bench.“You okay sitting down with us or would you rather sit up in the bleachers?”

“Like you have to ask.”There was no way she’d be anywhere else but down on the field, talking shop with Rob and watching her team wipe the pitch with Woodbridge. 

After sitting on the bench, they spent the next few minutes going over the players and Rob’s starting lineup for the game.It wasn’t until Rob got up to get the girls playing a scrimmage that Ali noticed Ashlyn over with the goalkeepers.The blonde was watching from the side of the goal, her eyes firmly fixed on each keeper as they took their turns stopping shots.Once in a while she would say something to one of them, even demonstrating a hand position to the backup keeper.Ali couldn’t help but smile at the light shining from Ashlyn’s face. _She should be out coaching somewhere.It really suits her._

Rob sat down beside Ali.“Your therapist is pretty amazing.I told her she was welcome to help out the keepers a little bit while she was here once she told me who she was.”

“She’s incredible.”She was almost surprised by the wonder in her voice, but really it wasn’t something that should have been so unexpected.Watching the blonde brought back the now familiar butterflies that she had begun to notice more and more over the last two days.Each time they fluttered around in her stomach she lost just a little more doubt about what she was really feeling for Ashlyn. Ali shook her head to pull herself out of her feeling of wonder and smiled over at Rob.“It’s a shame we can’t bring her on to be a coach.Darned rules.”

Rob nodded.“Yeah, but maybe she can stop by on occasion to give demos or something.”

“I’ll definitely talk to her about it.”

Ashlyn looked up at her and gave her a big smile before jogging back over to the bench and plopping down beside Ali.“You’ve got two good keepers.”

“A junior and a sophomore, too, so I have them both back next year.”Ali was really proud of all her girls, but it was really nice to hear someone as experienced as Ashlyn complement two of her players.“I really think they both have shots at being recruited to top schools.”

“Definitely.”Ashlyn patted Ali’s leg.“Having fun?”

“This is so amazing Ashlyn.Thank you.”She wrapped her arm around Ashlyn’s shoulder and put her head on the blonde’s shoulder.“You’re really the best.”

Ashlyn’s head leaned against Ali’s.“You deserve this and so much more,” she said so quietly that Ali barely heard her.

Ali felt a wave of complete calm and caring in that moment. _This is really where I’m supposed to be.With her._

* * *

As they walked back toward the car after the game, Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile brightly.  Forest Park had won 3-1 and every time one of the girls had scored, they’d come over to Ali first to celebrate.  And after the game, each member of the team had come up to their coach and given her a huge hug, telling her they won for her.  Ali had been beaming throughout the game and even now, almost an hour after the last whistle sounded, she was still bouncing with excitement.  So much so that Ashlyn was worried she wasn’t paying enough attention to her walking.  “Hey, wait here and I’ll go get the car.  The parking lot is empty enough.”

Ali seemed to finally notice where they were as she looked around at the almost empty parking lot.“Yeah, sure.”

Ashlyn ran over to the car and quickly brought it back to Ali.She jumped out and opened the passenger door for the brunette.“Take it easy getting in.I’m sure you’re more tired than you realize.”

Ali just laughed as she slowly lowered herself into the seat.Once she was settled, Ashlyn closed the door and ran around to get into the car.She looked over at Ali, who was smiling so brightly at her.“You are amazing, Ashlyn.Do you know that?”

“Aw, shucks,” Ashlyn said as she tried to keep the broad smile off her face. It was just so hard not to give in to what she was feeling for Ali, especially when the brunette got that look in her eyes like maybe, just maybe, she was feeling something similar. But Ashlyn knew better than to think that could be the case.And, she had to admit, she was glad that was the fact. She felt so much safer being only friends with Ali. Deep down she knew she wouldn’t be able to take that risk with Ali. It was just too scary.“So, ready to head back?”

“Do we have to?” Ali practically whined.

“Well, you need to be back by 11.I think we can fit a quick trip to Dairy Queen in before then.How about that?” Ashlyn showered Ali with a big dimple-filled grin.

“Oh my God, yes.Yes.”Ali bounced up and down in her seat.“I could so go for a Blizzard.Or a Peanut Buster.Or both!”

Ashlyn laughed.“How about we get one of each and share?”

“Sounds like a plan.”When Ashlyn just continued to smile at Ali, the brunette laughed.“What are you waiting for?Let’s get our ice cream on!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ashlyn said as she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

* * *

As Ashlyn pushed Ali’s wheelchair into her room, the brunette couldn’t help but smile, despite her weariness.  It felt like smiling was all she had done all evening and that made her so glad.  The light at the end of her very long dark tunnel was suddenly so much brighter.  For what felt like the first time she didn’t really feel guilty about being happy or alive either. And it was all thanks to Ashlyn. 

When Ashlyn stopped the chair, Ali let out a deep breath before pushing herself to her feet.She was definitely exhausted, but it didn’t matter, because she just felt so good.She turned to Ashlyn as she moved gingerly around the wheelchair.“I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for tonight, Ash.It was amazing.”

Ashlyn took a step toward Ali as she shrugged.“Like I keep saying, you deserved every minute of it.Besides, I got a free Blizzard out of it.Thanks for picking up the check.”

“The least I could do.”Ali closed the final distance between them and looked up into Ashlyn’s hazel eyes.Her heart started beating faster and the butterflies in her stomach began their now familiar flight.She closed her eyes and allowed those feelings to wash over her for a moment before she collapsed into Ashlyn, wrapping her arms around the taller woman’s waist.“Thank you so much,” she whispered.

There was a moment’s pause before Ashlyn tightly pulled Ali into her body, her arms closing around the brunette’s upper back.“This isn’t really professional,” Ashlyn said quietly.

“I don’t care.” Now that she was finally in Ashlyn’s arms, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was where she was meant to be.  She only had to make sure Ashlyn knew that.It was a huge risk and maybe Ashlyn would run or maybe she would stay.But she had to let her know.As she relished the warmth of Ashlyn’s embrace, she considered how she could approach this with Ashlyn.The more she thought about what to say, the more she realized she could never put what she was feeling into adequate words.

So, instead she pulled back from the hug and looked up into Ashlyn’s eyes.The blonde’s brow furrowed in obvious confusion a second before Ali pushed up on her feet and gently kissed her.

Ashlyn stiffened up in Ali’s arms for a few seconds, but the brunette didn’t give up.Instead, she pulled Ashlyn tighter into her and poured out everything she had realized she was feeling into the kiss. Then Ashlyn seemed to deflate in her arms and began kissing her back, gently at first and then with more urgency. 

Just when an unbidden moan escaped Ali’s throat, Ashlyn pulled back suddenly, putting a few inches between them.Her eyes were wide and she was breathing hard.“Ali, what are you doing?”

Ali took a step toward Ashlyn, who took a matching step backward.“Ashlyn, I…”The words seemed pitched on the tip of her tongue but just wouldn’t come out.She shook her head slightly and sighed.“I want this,” was all she was able to get out.

Ashlyn shook her head vehemently.“No.”She put her hands up, as if to ward off Ali, and took another step backward.“No, I can’t.”

“Ashlyn, please,” Ali said as she reached out for the therapist. “Please don’t be afraid.”

The blonde shook her head again as she maneuvered away from Ali’s hand.“I’m sorry,” she whispered, before she turned and ran out of the room.

“Ash, wait,” Ali called after her, but to no avail.She knew it was useless to try to go after her with her leg.Instead she leaned heavily on the back of the wheelchair and closed her eyes, willing the tears not to fall.“Dammit.”With a frustrated exhalation she looked back up at the open door to her room, hoping beyond hope that Ashlyn would reappear, but of course she didn’t. 

She reached up and felt her lips with the tips of her fingers.She could still feel the velvety smoothness of Ashlyn’s kiss and she knew without a doubt that she couldn’t live without feeling that again.With a determined breath, she said, “You can’t run away forever, Ashlyn.I won’t let you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Let me know. 
> 
> I'll try to post the next chapter either next Monday or Tuesday.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so so much for all the comments for the last chapter. Since I missed a week and this chapter is really just a setup for what comes next I figured I'd give you all a little bonus this week. Hope you enjoy.

Ali waited impatiently for Ashlyn to come by for their 11am appointment.It had been a long morning, which had followed a sleepless night.After Ashlyn had hurried out of her room the night before, Ali had been left to think over how she had handled their kiss.Maybe she should have talked with Ashlyn instead of just kissing her.But in that moment it had felt like the right thing to do.She could only hope that Ashlyn would listen to her with a clearer head today.

One of the other therapists that Ali had seen around the rehab facility poked her head in the door.“Miss Krieger?Ashlyn called in this morning and said she needed a few days off.A family emergency in Florida.”

_Damn you, Ashlyn._ Ali let out a long breath, trying to keep the deep disappointment out of her voice.“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“My name is Mandy Rogers.I’ll be taking over for her while she’s gone.I already have a patient at 11, so would it be okay if we met at 2 instead?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”After all, she didn’t have much to do for the entire day, especially now that Ashlyn had bolted.“I’ll see you then.”

Mandy nodded and left. Ali felt a mixture of irritation and frustration hit her. “You can’t run forever,” she whispered to herself.She grabbed for her phone and quickly found Ashlyn’s contact information.After hitting the call button, she put the phone up to her ear.She didn’t expect the blonde to answer, so when Ashlyn’s voicemail picked up almost instantly, Ali didn’t let the disappointment enter her voice.“Hi Ash, it’s Ali. Can we please talk?Text even?I just want to know that you’re okay and explain what happened last night. I’m not trying to push you into anything. I promise. Okay? So please give me a call or text me. Please.”

When she hung up the phone, she closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. She could only hope that Ashlyn would answer, but she wasn’t going to hold out much hope.Instead, she knew she had to find another way to get to her.And she was sure she would be successful.

* * *

Ashlyn sat on her balcony, her coffee mug clenched tightly in her right hand while she had her phone in her left.  The notification of a voicemail from Ali stared at her from the screen. Part of her wanted to hear the brunette’s voice so badly she could taste it.  And part of her just wanted to forget.  She hated that she was letting the part of her that was so terrified of opening her heart win.  But what if she was wrong about the kind of person Ali was?  What if Ali broke her heart? She didn’t think she could live through any more heartache.  And so the part of her that wanted to forget won and she deleted the message without even listening to it.

She tossed her phone down heavily on the small table next to her and sighed deeply. “Damn it,” she hissed loudly as tears leaked onto her cheeks. She closed her eyes and instantly her mind went to her dorm room, to Jess and that lacrosse player, to the utter pain and sharp anger.No, there was no way she could allow the feelings she had for Ali to actually take root. If Ali broke her heart, she knew she’d never get up again. And she had little doubt that Ali would, even if it would almost certainly be unintentional.She simply had too much baggage. 

With a resolute nod of her head, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes.“This is for the best.”

* * *

Ali scrolled down her contacts until she found the one she wanted. Opening it, she couldn’t help but smile at the goofy grin Carm was sporting in her photo. It was an old photo, from their time at Penn State together, but every time she looked at it, Ali couldn’t help but chuckle at all the memories of her wild times with the Canadian. While she wanted to just spend some time catching up with her old friend, she had a more important reason for calling.

Ali put the phone to her ear just a second before it was answered.“Ali? Hi!”

A small smile came to her lips at the familiar voice.“Hey, Carm.How are you?”

“Um, pretty damned good.How about you?” There seemed to be a little hesitation in her voice.

“Doing better. Finally.”

Carm’s voice seemed a little more relaxed.“Sorry I didn’t call.Word on the street was that you didn’t want to be bothered.But I’m glad things are looking up.”

“Well, there’s a reason they are looking up.”Ali could feel her heart starting to beat a little heavier in that moment.“I’ve met someone. Well, my therapist actually. And I think I’m falling in love...with her.”

Carm was quiet for a moment.“With her?Well, now that’s interesting.”

Ali couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, you’ll always be the first woman I kissed.”

The laughter coming over the phone was deep and hearty.“That was quite the night.”

“It was.”Ali thought back to that game of truth or dare that had led to Carm choosing Ali as the teammate she would kiss.  They had played it up for the reaction of their friends, but she couldn’t remember if she felt anything other than a little embarrassment, though.It had been almost twelve years since that night, so her memory certainly couldn’t be counted on.

“Okay, so you called me to tell me you’ve fallen in love with your therapist?”

Ali had to laugh at how preposterous that sounded. “Well, no.Actually I’m wondering if you know Whitney Engen.”

There was a brief pause and then Carm chuckled.“I feel like I’m getting whiplash here.What does Whit have to do with your lady love?”

“You ready for another name out of left field?”

“Sure.”

“Do you know who Ashlyn Harris is?” Ali had gone online to confirm that Carm had played in the same U-19 World Cup that Ashlyn had played in.“She was a goalkeeper in the US youth program.”

“Yeah. Her damned clean sheet in the final of the U-19s robbed us of that title.”Carm’s voice sounded curious.“What does she have to do with this?I haven’t heard about her in forever.”

Ali smiled just thinking about Ashlyn, even if there was a hint of concern after her hasty getaway.“She’s my therapist.”

There was a pause.“Okay, let me get this straight, no pun intended.Your physical therapist is Ashlyn Harris, who was the goalie for the US under 19s in 2002?”

“You are correct.”

“And you’re falling in love with her.”

“Exactly.”

“Okay,” Carm drew out.“Well, if memory serves, she was pretty cute.”

“She’s downright gorgeous now.”She felt the butterflies dance in her stomach just thinking about Ashlyn.“I’ve googled her so I found a few pictures from when she was a teenager.She was adorable back then, for sure.”

“What happened to her? Why’d she give up soccer?She could have been the next Hope.”

“Long story.She had a few bad injuries in college plus some other stuff that went on.Anyway, back to Engen.”

“Impatient much?”Carm’s laughter was warm.“Okay, what does she have to do with all this?”

Ali let out a deep sigh.“Ashlyn kind of freaked out when I let her know I had feelings for her.She’s attracted to me, but she’s had a rough time in the past in her love life and she’s afraid of relationships, so she ran. She’s not replying to my messages and her address isn’t on the internet anywhere that I can find. So I figured I’d go a little more personal. She’s good friends with Whitney Engen.”

“Ah, okay.”There was a pause and Ali could hear what sounded like fingernails clicking on plastic.“Um, yeah, I don’t have her info but I know someone who will.But I should check to make sure it’s okay first.So I’ll have to get back to you.”

Ali let out a sigh of relief.While she could probably go super stalker and get Ashlyn’s address from a service, she preferred to hope she could get Whitney on her side in this.“Thanks so much.You can tell her what I told you.Or if she’s more comfortable, you can give her my contact info, too.”

“Sounds like a plan.Now, tell me how your therapy is going.Or are you so distracted by Ashlyn’s beauty that you aren’t doing so well?”Carm laughed.

Ali leaned back against the pillows on her bed and grinned.“Oh, please, you know me better than that.”

* * *

When Ali’s phone rang she grabbed at it, hoping desperately that Ashlyn would be calling, but instead it was an unfamiliar phone number.  With a disappointed sigh she answered the call.  “Hello.”

“Is this Ali Krieger?” a woman’s voice asked.

“Yes.”

“This is Whitney Engen.You wanted to talk to me about Ashlyn?” The woman on the other end of the line sounded hesitant.

“Oh, yes,” Ali answered enthusiastically.“Yes, please, I so need to talk to you about Ashlyn.”

Whitney laughed and her voice now sounded more relaxed.“So, from what I was told, she’s being an idiot.What can I do to help?”

Ali let out a sigh of relief.Finally, there was someone who not only could be on her side, but could actively help her.“I need to find a way to get to her.She ran away as soon as I kissed her and I get that she’s scared to try a relationship.”She let out a dry chuckle. “I’m sure I scare her even more. I mean I’ve never been with a woman, I’ve got lots some bad relationship things in my past as well. Maybe she thinks I’ll break her heart somehow. Not like Jess, that’s for sure, but she’s probably afraid I’ll freak out and run away for one reason or another.But I won’t. I’ll try with everything I have not to hurt her. Ever.”

There was a long pause.Then, when Whitney finally spoke, Ali could practically hear the smile in her voice. “I’m glad you sound like someone who’s willing to fight for her. She needs that so badly. If you’re who you say you are, Ali, then I think Ashlyn is really lucky.And I’ll do whatever I can to help. Got any ideas?”

Ali’s smile grew so wide it hurt her cheeks.She was going to get a second chance to win Ashlyn over.She was damned if she was going to need a third time. “In fact I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, wonder what Ali's plan is...well, you'll find out next week (probably on Tuesday or Wednesday). 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are welcome and appreciated!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments and kudos. I hope you enjoy this :)

Ashlyn leaned forward over her knees and watched intently at the first attack down the field toward the Breakers’ defense.The Spirit were sending a bunch of one-touch passes through every attempt by the Breakers to stop their first onslaught.Finally, on a quick pass from Christine Nairn to Crystal Dunn, Whit managed to poke her toe into the path and disrupt it enough that her defense could take control.Ashlyn was the only one around her to give a cheer but she didn’t care.Among the sea of dark blue and red, she wore her light blue Engen jersey proudly and would make as much noise as she possibly could so that Whit would know she was there.

“Your friend is really good.”

Ashlyn’s heart stopped for a moment at the familiar voice coming from her right.She turned and Ali was sitting there, her eyes focused on the play on the field.“I’m going to kill you, Whit,” Ashlyn growled under her breath.For a moment she thought about getting up and leaving, but she knew it was pointless.She’d have to face Ali sooner or later.“Your idea or hers?”

Ali looked over at her and gave her a slight smile.“Mine.”

Ashlyn nodded and set her jaw, trying not to seem mad at the situation as she looked back out at the field. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not here.”

“Okay,” Ali said, her voice even and loud enough to just make it over the din of the crowd cheering on another Spirit attack.“Let’s just enjoy the game.Can we talk after?”

Ashlyn thought about it for a moment.As much as she wished she could just avoid talking about it altogether, she realized that would never work. Ali would just continue to track her down until they had it out. Better to just face what was going on between them, whatever that was, and figure out how to handle it. “Sure.”

“Great.” 

* * *

The game had gone surprisingly well, as far as Ali was concerned. Ashlyn hadn’t given her the silent treatment and they’d had fun talking about the game as only two very experienced players could. While it was a disappointment for Ashlyn that the Breakers had gone down a goal shortly before the half and hadn’t been able to equalize, the blonde still seemed to be in a good mood as they walked out of the stadium area.  “The Spirit are really good,” Ashlyn noted as she slowly walked alongside Ali.

“Yeah. Although their right back is like Swiss cheese.I think they won despite her.”

Ashlyn laughed as she let Ali go before her through the exit gate.“Yeah, that last cross from the Breakers almost cost them the win. How are you nutmegged twice in the last five minutes and then don’t close on the winger when the game is on the line? I mean, come on, show some fight.”

“Fitness maybe? I don’t know.” Ali herself understood more than she ever thought she could above being tired. She knew both the physical and mental toll of it. “Speaking of, can we find somewhere to sit? I’m wiped out to be honest.”

“Yeah, of course.” Ashlyn motioned toward the cement entranceway to the Discovery Sports Center.It was just a little out of the way of everyone heading toward their cars, making it a slightly secluded place to talk that didn’t require much more walking to reach. “I told Whit I’d meet her around here after the game. You okay sitting on the concrete?”

“If you promise to help me get down and back up, that’s fine.”

“Of course I will.”Ashlyn took Ali’s hand and helped ease her down onto the concrete so she could sit with her back up against the building.Then she plopped down next to her, crossing her legs and turning to face the brunette. “So, you’re officially out of Remington, huh?”

“Yeah, this really awesome therapist got me able to climb a flight of steps so they let me go.”She shook her head with a smile. “It’s kind of strange to be home after three months.My mom’s going to stay for at least another week or two so that helps.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”They both fell silent then. Ali could practically see the swirl of emotion in Ashlyn’s hazel eyes.Finally, the blonde let out a long breath. “I should apologize.”

“It’s okay,” Ali said before Ashlyn could continue. “I surprised you when I kissed you. I get that.”

Ashlyn nodded and looked down at where her fingers were playing with the laces of her sneakers. “I really didn’t expect that at all.”

“Look at me,” Ali said gently.When Ashlyn still continued to focus on her laces, she reached out to still the blonde’s fingers.“Please.”

It was hard to really read Ashlyn’s eyes in the murky darkness under the entrance overhang, but she looked almost fearful. “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say,” she said so softly it took Ali a moment to figure out the words.

“Listen to me, Ash, please,” Ali said as she took Ashlyn’s hand and entwined their fingers. “It’s taken me a while to figure out that I have all these feelings for you and they aren’t just me being grateful that you’ve been so amazing to me. They’re real and they are like nothing I’ve felt before for anyone.”She looked down as she felt the emotion well up into her throat. “I know the idea of risking your heart for anyone is scary, probably even more so with me.” She glanced back up a little hesitantly through her eyelashes.

Ashlyn’s brow furrowed. “Why even more with you?”

“I’ve never been attracted to a woman before. And then I have all these demons, too. Maybe you’re afraid that means I’ll run. I get that. It’s so scary. I mean I’m terrified of starting something with you and then maybe losing you, too. I’m not sure I could survive that.”She took a breath as she tried to keep the tears she could feel burning her eyes from falling. “But you know what? If we walk away from this we will definitely lose one another.”

Ashlyn closed her eyes and a tear trickled down her left cheek. “That might be easier in the long run.”

“No,” Ali said firmly as she used her free hand to gently reach up and wipe the tear off Ashlyn’s soft skin.“No, it won’t be.Ashlyn, please, I swear to you I will never intentionally hurt you. I’m not Jess. I would never do something like that to you.” She let out a soft puff of laughter that held no humor in it. “If I thought you were cheating on me, I’d come and scream at you. I might throw things at you. But I would never betray you. Never.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Ali smiled. “But it is. It’s really simple. We open our hearts to one another and we look out for one another and if we’re lucky we fall in love. What could be more simple than that?”

“I want it to be that simple, but it’s so hard.”Ashlyn opened her eyes and looked up at Ali. Her eyes held such heartbreaking hesitation and it looked like she was teetering on the edge of collapse.Finally, she whispered, “Please be the person I hope you are.”

“Oh, Ash,” Ali said as she reached up and wrapped her arms around the blonde and pulled her into a tight hug. “No matter what, I will always do my best by you. Even if this doesn’t work out, I will always respect you and care about you, okay? We’re friends first. That means the world to me. I promise.”

There was a moment when Ali thought Ashlyn might pull away from her, but then the therapist suddenly wrapped her arms fiercely around Ali’s neck and buried her head into her shoulder. “This still scares me,” came her muffled voice after a long while.

“I know,” Ali whispered into her ear. “We can be scared together.”

Ashlyn pulled back and looked at Ali with her red-rimmed eyes.It seemed to take forever as the blonde clearly worked through everything in her mind. Finally, her lip curled up into just the hint of a smile. “Okay.”

“Okay? Really?” Ali couldn’t help but laugh with relief.

“Yeah, okay.”Ashlyn reached up and cupped Ali’s cheek. She let out a loud breath of air and then smiled. “Maybe you should pinch me, because this definitely doesn’t seem real.”

Ali’s smile grew.“Oh, it’s real,” she said as she leaned in and brushed her lips against Ashlyn’s.She left it a simple kiss, pulling away only a second or two after their lips met.“Thank you,” she whispered before kissing Ashlyn’s forehead softly. “Thank you for being brave.”

Ashlyn laughed louder this time. “I’m not sure I feel that brave.”

“You need to feel fear in order to be brave, Ash.” She leaned in until their foreheads were lightly touching. “That’s us, brave together.”

“Brave together,” Ashlyn replied softly.

* * *

Ashlyn could barely believe that she was sitting out on the concrete with Ali’s head on her shoulder, having decided to roll the dice and actually see if they could be together. It terrified her, more than about anything ever had in her life, and yet she knew that what Ali had said was true. Losing the brunette was about the worst thing she could imagine and the one way she was assured of doing that was by not taking this risk. The only way she could have Ali and be happy was to try. She just prayed that it would work out. Then again she figured they were both due for some good luck so maybe it just would.

“Ashlyn!”

Whitney’s voice startled her out of her thoughts and she popped up onto her feet without even thinking about it.“Whit!”The blonde defender was wrapped up in a tight hug almost instantly. “Great game. Sorry you lost.”

“I thought we had them there at the end. Would have been nice to come out of it with a point on the road.”Whitney pulled back and instantly looked down. “I really hope you’re Ali and the fact you two were just sitting here being all cute is a good sign.”

Ali started to try to stand and Ashlyn quickly reached down to help her up.Once on her feet the brunette held out her hand to Whitney. “Thanks so much for all the help. It seems it might have worked.”

“Really?” A broad grin lit up Whitney's face as she looked at the blonde.She hit Ashlyn in the stomach affectionately. “Don’t you dare screw this one up, Harris.”

“I’m going to really try,” Ashlyn said as she playfully swatted her old friend’s hand away. “Ali and I are going to see where this goes. And I promise I’m not going to sabotage it or run away.” She shrugged slightly. “At least not intentionally.” She turned quickly to Ali. “If you see me doing that, please call me on it. Old habits are hard to break.”

Ali leaned up and gave her a sweet kiss on the cheek. “Will do.”

“So,” Whitney cut in as she glanced back and forth between Ali and Ashlyn. “I’m starving. Ali do you want to join us? We’re going to go hit up some food nearby.”

“No, I can’t,” Ali said with real regret in her voice. “To be honest I’m exhausted from all the walking and it’s a long drive home. And I’m having brunch with my best friend tomorrow so I need to get some sleep.”

“That’s a shame. Well it was nice meeting you,” Whitney said as she extended her hand for a shake.When Ali took it she added, “I hope we’ll see each other again. At least if this one doesn’t screw it up between you.”

“Right here,” Ashlyn said in protest.After they all laughed she said to Whitney, “Let me walk Ali to her car. My Jeep is over there by the corner of the building. I’ll meet you there.” She handed the defender her keys.

“Nice meeting you,” Ali said as Whitney gave her one last smile and headed toward where Ashlyn was parked. “I’m over here,” Ali said with a nod of her head toward the handicapped spaces closest to the building. “I got my pass yesterday from the DMV. It was my first stop after I got discharged. Really helps.” 

Ashlyn gently placed her hand on the small of Ali’s back and let the brunette set the pace as they slowly made it over to her car.Once there, they stood next to the driver’s side and Ali smiled. “This has been a wonderful night.”

Ashlyn smiled. “Thank you for being sneaky about it.”

That made Ali laugh. “I do what I have to do.”She reached out and took Ashlyn’s hand.

“Are you doing anything tomorrow evening? Whit flies out in the early afternoon and then I’m free. Maybe an early dinner?” Ashlyn wasn’t really thinking as the words came out of her mouth. “Nothing too fancy, just something casual so we can see each other.”

“A date?” Ali said, her lips curling up into a smile.

“I guess it would be. Not sure if it would be our first or our third really. Should we count the two soccer matches?”

Ali seemed to ponder the question for a moment. “No. We decided afterward that we wanted to give this a go. Let’s have tomorrow be our first date. It’ll be more special that way.”

“So you’re free?” Ashlyn’s heart suddenly did a double take at the idea she’d really get to see Ali the next day and that it would be a legitimate date.

“Definitely.” 

“Then we’ll work out the details tomorrow, okay?” Ashlyn opened the door for Ali and waited for the brunette to move so that she was next to the driver’s seat.She then leaned down and gave her a soft kiss.She didn’t intend for it to last more than a few seconds, but she couldn’t pull herself away from the soft warm lips pressed against her own.Finally, there was a honk off in the distance and Ashlyn pulled back with a laugh. “Sounds like Whit might be impatient.”

“I’m sure she’s hungry,” Ali said with a hint of shyness in her voice. 

Ashlyn helped Ali to sit down in the seat and then leaned down into the doorway. “Good night, Ali. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.Good night.”

Ashlyn leaned down and this time gave her the briefest of light kisses before shutting the door and taking a step back.She stood there, smiling at the brunette as the car started and then exchanged a wave before she pulled away.

Ashlyn then turned to where her Jeep was parked and jogged over.“What the hell, Whit? You go through all this trouble to get us together and then you honk at us when we’re kissing?”

“You’ve got the rest of your lives to make out. Someone’s promised me a nice dinner and I’m famished.”She ran around to the other side of the Jeep and opened the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

Ashlyn smiled as she climbed into the vehicle.Once they were both settled she looked over at Whitney. “You are the best friend I could ever ask for. I don’t know if this will work out and to be honest I’m terrified of trying. But thank you for always pushing me and for setting this up tonight. There might just be a little light at the end of the tunnel.”

“God, I hope so,” Whitney said with a laugh. “I’m getting so tired of giving you love life pep talks. Now let’s go before I start eating your upholstery.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ashlyn replied with a laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was worth the wait.
> 
> Any psyched for their first date? More next week...


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy their first date night.
> 
> I'm struggling with a little writer's block so not entirely sure I'll get a chapter up next week but I'll try.

Ashlyn flicked her sun visor down and looked at herself in the small mirror on the rear of it. As she studied her makeup, she could feel her heart pounding.“It’s just dinner,” she scolded herself.It seemed so simple and yet it felt so hard.

She took a deep breath and looked herself in the eyes. “You can do this. It’s just a first step, nothing more. No commitments yet. You’re just trying this out.”

A knock at the window made her jump and clench at her heart as it began racing. She looked out and saw Ali’s mother there, a smirk on her face. Ashlyn let out a deep breath and chuckled self-consciously as she got out of her Jeep. “Hi.”

Debbie smiled broadly. “Don’t worry, you look great. Alex is upstairs freaking out, too.”

Ashlyn laughed deeply.“Thanks for letting me know that. I can’t believe I’m so nervous.”

Debbie rubbed Ashlyn’s left arm. “I’m really happy for both of you. I think you’ll be great together.”

Ashlyn felt a blush flood her cheeks. “Thanks, Debbie.” She took a deep breath and looked over toward the apartment building. “I guess I should go get her then.”

“Yeah, you should.”Debbie bit at her lip a little and then smiled. “I’m heading out for a night of Bunco with some old friends. I won’t be back until pretty late. Have a great evening.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn said as she waved goodbye and waited for Debbie to head over to her car.Ashlyn then looked up at the open staircase that would lead to Ali’s door and took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”

* * *

Ali mashed her lips together on her third attempt to get her lipstick just right. She didn’t want it too dark, but wanted to highlight her lips just enough. _The better to kiss you with._ She rolled her eyes at herself and then just laughed quietly. “You sure you’re not 15 again, Alexandra?”

The knock on her door made her stop and give herself a final look. “Okay, here we go.” With a final adjustment to the black and red top she was wearing, she slowly made her way out toward the main living area and the front door.

She took a moment to look through the peep hole and felt a smile come to her lips at the sight of Ashlyn nervously shifting from foot to foot on the landing. She was wearing tight black jeans and a simple button down white shirt with a red tie that Ali noted well matched the red in her own top. “At least we won’t clash,” she said with a rumble of laughter before she opened the door. “Hey there,” she said as she leaned heavily on the open door, smiling at her date.

Ashlyn took a moment to look her up and down and then showered Ali with a hint of an incredibly sexy smirk. “Hey there back.”

They stood there awkwardly for a few long seconds before Ali shook her head to bring herself back to reality instead of just admiring how amazing Ashlyn looked. “Come in,” she said as she held the door wider. “We have a few minutes before we need to leave.”

“Thanks.”

After shutting the door, Ali turned to Ashlyn and they both stood there in another awkward silence.Finally, she rolled her eyes. “We’re a little ridiculous, you know?” Before Ashlyn could answer, she took two halting steps toward her former therapist and wrapped her arms around the blonde’s midsection.

Ashlyn quickly wrapped her arms around Ali’s upper back, pulling her in until Ali’s head rested gently on her shoulder. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date I cared about.”

Ali looked up and smiled. “Me too.”She then pushed up a little on her feet and placed a quick kiss on Ashlyn’s lips. “I’m glad you came.”

Ashlyn hefted a single eyebrow. “Did you think I’d chicken out?”

Ali quickly shook her head. “No.”She kissed her again, this time a little longer. “Maybe I should say I’m glad we’re going out tonight. I’ve been looking forward to it since we said goodbye last night.”

“Me too.”Ashlyn leaned down a little and planted a kiss that slowly built but never got too heated.Instead it was a slow and gentle exploration that caused the butterflies in Ali’s stomach to take flight and her heart to beat faster.When Ashlyn finally pulled back, they were both just a hair breathless. “I hate to stop kissing you, really I do, but we’ve got a reservation we need to head out for.”

“Damn,” Ali said as she dropped her head onto Ashlyn’s chest. It just felt so good to be in Ashlyn’s arms, kissing her. The heady excitement that hit her with every simple kiss was like nothing she had ever experienced before.With a quiet sigh she took a step back, her hands still on Ashlyn’s hips. “My mom won’t be back until pretty late so we can always come back here after dinner and pick this back up.”

Ashlyn gave Ali a quick peck on the tip of her nose. “Sounds like a plan. Now, shall we get going?”

“Let me just get my purse.”

* * *

 

“Why’d you let me eat so much?” Ali asked as she fished her keys out of her purse.  She laughed as she put the key in the lock. “I usually eat like a bird on a first date.”  She frowned. “I hate to admit that I did that. Too worried what the guys thought I guess.”

“Well, if any of them would have thought you were anything other than amazing just because you wanted to properly fuel your body, they were assholes.You have an amazing body,” Ashlyn began as she grinned slyly, enjoying the rush as she flirted with Ali.“Don’t change a thing about how you keep it up.”

Ali’s laughter held a hint of nervousness to it. “Look who’s talking.”She opened the door and held it open for the blonde. “And I’m glad I can be myself with you, even when that includes cheesecake for dessert.”

As Ashlyn walked past Ali, she put her hand on her lower left arm and gently guided her into the apartment. “That cheesecake was amazing.”

“I know, right?” Ali chuckled quietly as she placed her purse and keys down on the table and hitched her head toward her fridge. “You want something to drink? I’ve got white wine, beer, diet coke, or water.”

Ashlyn squeezed her arm and started to move toward the fridge, getting there before Ali could move in that direction. “You’ve done a lot of walking. Go sit down and I’ll get it if that’s okay?”

Ali smiled warmly as she started to gingerly walk toward the living room. “I’ll have what you’re having.”

Ashlyn peeked into the fridge and her eyebrows went up at the four types of beer sitting on the middle shelf. “Somehow I didn’t take you for a beer girl. You strike me more as a wine lover.”

“I lived in Germany for two years. Hated beer until I got over there and had the good stuff.I also came back strangely loving liverwurst.”

Ashlyn stood up and looked at the brunette in shock.“Liverwurst? Gross!”

“Again, the good stuff is amazing. The crap they sell here is kind of nasty.”She smiled. “Have you had wheat beer?That’s my favorite, although it’s better with a slice of lemon and I don’t have any.”

“Can’t say I have. How about we try that?”

Ali smiled. “It’s the bottles with the monk on them.”

Ashlyn took out two bottles and closed the refrigerator door.“Bottle opener?”

Ali pointed just to the side of the fridge. “That drawer right there.And the glasses are on the top shelf right above.”

Ashlyn grabbed the opener and then opened the upper cabinet only to be inundated with glasses of all shapes and sizes. “Um, glass fetish?”

Ali laughed loudly. “Maybe. I just like having the right glass for the job.It’s those tall ones there that are skinny toward the bottom.”As Ashlyn pointed at one set she shook her head.“No to the left.Yes those.”Ashlyn got the glasses down and then opened the bottles.She was about to pour the first beer when Ali interrupted her.“Bring them here. There’s a special trick.”

“It’s beer.How is there a trick?” She managed to get both bottles and glasses piled into her arms.She couldn’t help but smile as she walked over to where Ali was sitting on the couch.There was a sparkle in her brown eyes that just brought them even more to life than usual. “Okay, beer expert, show me.”

Ashlyn watched as Ali tipped the glass over the bottle so that the rim was at the bottom of the glass.She then slowly started flipping the bottle and glass combination over and carefully withdrew the bottle as the beer gently entered the glass. “It’ll overflow if you pour it like a normal beer.”She then stopped and pulled the bottle out before it was completely empty and gave it an easy swirl. “You need to get the sediment out of the bottom of the bottle too.”

Ashlyn’s face screwed up. “Ew, sediment?”

“Well, it’s actually the yeast. It’s got a lot of flavor.”She poured the last little bit in, which added just enough foam to the top to bring it to the lip of the glass“Want to try the other one?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn said with a slightly cocky smirk.She followed Ali’s instructions and did a halfway decent job of it, although her inversion of the beer was a little faster leading to foam that almost overflowed the glass.“I like a lot of head,” Ashlyn said to cover for the slight mistake.

Ali laughed loudly. “I really hope that wasn’t an attempt at flirting.”

Ashlyn took a second before she realized what she had said. “Oh my God, no.Not like that.”She smacked playfully at Ali’s arm.“Dirty mind, Miss Krieger.”But then she couldn’t help but join in the laughter as she felt a wave of heat come to her cheeks.“I can’t believe I said that.”

Ali continued to giggle as she leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Ashlyn’s cheek.“It was really funny.”

Ashlyn shook her head amusedly. “I’m never going to be able to pour a beer again without laughing.”

Ali leaned back and took Ashlyn’s hand gently in hers. “Don’t be embarrassed. I know what you meant and it’s a perfectly normal thing to say. It’s just, well…”This time it was Ali’s cheeks that flushed. She shook her head.“Never mind.”

Ashlyn’s brow furrowed.“What?”

Ali’s eyes dropped to where their hands were joined and she took a deep breath. “I’m just starting to think about where things might go with us.”She laughed. “A lot. It’s almost all I can think about.”

Realization dawned on Ashlyn and she smiled as the thought of making love with Ali went through her head, and not for the first time.She used her free hand to cup Ali’s chin and waited until the brunette looked up at her. “It’s okay to think about that, but there’s really zero pressure, okay?”Her thumb started to run along Ali’s cheekbone. “I still need this to go a little slow myself.”Whether that was really true, or not, she wasn’t actually sure, but she wanted to take the pressure off of Ali.“We’ll get there when we do. Or not, if it’s not meant to be.”

Ali let out a quiet laugh. “Boy, that’s optimistic.”

Ashlyn shrugged with a smile.“Well, you know, just trying to be realistic.”She then got more serious as she let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m still working my way through this too.”

“I know,” Ali answered quietly.She squeezed Ashlyn’s hand. “You’re doing really well. No hints of running away. I mean you even got here on time today.”

“I heard you were a stickler for punctuality.”

“I got it beat into my head in Germany.”

“Speaking of,” Ashlyn said as she took her hand away from Ali’s cheek, needing the break and a change of subject before things got too heavy.She reached out and grabbed her beer—now with less foam than when she poured it—and took a sip.“Hm, that is really good.”

Ali laughed and reached up to wipe some foam off Ashlyn’s top lip. “I’m not going to say a word or we’ll just start this whole thing over again.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I actually have a better plan.See, these beers should be a little less cold than they are for their full flavor to come out.They don’t need to be room temperature, just not ice cold.”She took Ashlyn’s glass and put it back on the coffee table.“So, in the meantime, I think we can find something better to do.”

“Oh, what’s that?” Ashlyn asked with a sexy grin and a hitch of her left eyebrow.

Ali just smiled as she leaned in for a kiss that lasted until the beers were entirely too warm to drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I didn't start writing the beer instructional bit just for that bad joke...although maybe it's worse to admit I was just going to ramble on about beer to ramble on about beer (and liverwurst).
> 
> Let me know what you think. Thanks so much for your comments and kudos.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well my writer's block isn't really gone but I want to get something up. Hope you all enjoy this somewhat awkward situation.
> 
> Hope I'll get something up next week but no promises. There are luckily only a few more chapters to write, but it's slow going for sure.
> 
> And thanks so much for the comments and the kudos and for reading. It's definitely giving me that extra push to make it through the rough writing times.

Ashlyn smiled as she saw Ali slowly come around the corner.She had been waiting in the lobby at Remington since seeing her last patient, hoping to surprise Ali after her outpatient therapy session. Her smile only grew as Ali didn’t notice her.She was too focused on walking, this time without even her cane.

“Looking good, Krieger,” Ashlyn said when she knew Ali was finally close enough to hear her.

Ali jumped and put her hand to her chest.“Ash! You scared me.”But then she laughed quietly as she continued to walk toward Ashlyn.“You didn’t have to stay late. I know you’ve been off for half an hour.”

Ashlyn shrugged and lied. “I had some paperwork to do. I just got done a few minutes ago, really.”

From the look in her eyes, Ali didn’t believe her.She took the final few steps until she could practically fall into Ashlyn’s arms and give her a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too,” Ashlyn said as she pulled the smaller woman more tightly into her.“I know you’re having dinner with your dad, so I just wanted to make sure we saw each other today so we don’t break our streak before we have to. It’s bad enough we won’t see each other this weekend while I’m in Florida.”

Ali pulled back out of the hug and looked up at Ashlyn.She looked to be mulling something over and then she smiled just a little bit. “I hate that I won’t see you again until Monday.Why don’t you join us?”

“Dinner with your dad?” Ashlyn’s heart started to race a little. “Does he know about me?”

“Um, no,” Ali said as her face flushed slightly.“I haven’t really talked to him that much since things started up between us.And besides, he’s been a little distant since the attack.”She shrugged. “Okay, maybe always. I love him dearly, but he can sometimes be a very man’s man and that keeps us at a little distance when it comes to things like, well, you.”

“Sounds like I shouldn’t go then. What are you going to do, introduce me as the woman you’re dating when you haven’t even given him a hint? That’s likely to kill the mood.”

“Likely,” Ali said with a hint of a frown.“Not that he’d think it’s wrong, but he’s definitely got this picture of me as his perfect little princess.Perfect princesses usually don’t date other princesses. It’ll definitely be a surprise.”

Ashlyn laughed. “Not sure anyone has ever called me a princess.”She sobered quickly.“You should tell him first.”Ashlyn could tell this was something Ali had some misgivings about.She had already heard how relatively easy, if somewhat nerve-racking, it had been to tell her mother,and of course how awesome Kyle had been about it, but it seemed like her father was going to be a little bit harder of a nut to crack. 

Ali seemed to think for a moment before she shook her head.“How about you come and we don’t say that we’re dating, just that you’re my ex-therapist and we’ve become friends, which is not a lie.Then he’ll know who you are when I tell him.And I will, right away.I’m not saying I want to lie to him about us. I don’t.You’re right it would be harsh to drop it on him while you’re there.But I also think it’ll be a little easier for him to understand if he’s met you. I mean, my mom was excited for me precisely because she had met you.You’re awesome.”

Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile at Ali.While she felt uneasy about keeping their budding relationship under wraps, even if only for one evening, she couldn’t deny that Ali had a point that it might help ease her father’s understanding if she wasn’t some scary lesbian he had never met.It didn’t sound like he was overly homophobic, but Ali had mentioned that he’d had a problem being comfortable with Kyle after he came out.She understood that sometimes it was just hard to see beyond the picture you have of someone you love. In some ways, it was like mourning the loss of them when you found out they didn’t fit that picture you had. Some people were just better at it than others, and from how it sounded, Ken Krieger could possibly fall into that group that handled it well after getting over the initial shock, although there was a chance he might not.Maybe Ali was right and getting to know her would help Ken with that adjustment. “Okay, I’ll go.”

“Great!”

Ashlyn pulled Ali into her arms tightly. “I know telling your father might be a little scary.”

Ali chuckled into Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Maybe more than a little.”

“I’ll be there for you as much as I can be.”Ashlyn laughed quietly. “And I’ll do my best to charm his socks off tonight so he’ll be so enamored with me, he’ll be dying for me to be your girlfriend.”

There was an extra long moment of silence before Ali looked up at Ashlyn.“Am I your girlfriend?”

Ashlyn’s heart fluttered.“Do you want to be?”

Ali’s smile was instantaneous. “Yes.”

Ashlyn’s heart calmed then and melted at the look in Ali’s eyes. “You can be mine if I can be yours.”

The brunette chuckled.“Deal.”Her laughter then got louder. “Okay, that was so not romantic.”

Ashlyn’s smile was bright as she laughed along with Ali. “We have plenty of time for romantic.”

“We do.”Ali let out the last of her laughter and then took a step back from Ashlyn and looked her up and down. “You probably shouldn’t be in scrubs for dinner.It’s just dinner at my place so you can be totally casual, but maybe jeans and a decent shirt are in order.”

“Sheesh, you’re my girlfriend for five seconds and you’re telling me how to dress,” Ashlyn said with a joking tone.

“You know it,” Ali teased back.

“Okay, fine,” Ashlyn playfully grumped.She then turned toward the door and put her hand gently on the small of Ali’s back.“Can I walk you to your car?”

“You sure can,” Ali said as she leaned slightly into Ashlyn as they slowly started to walk out of the lobby. 

Ashlyn gave Ali’s back the lightest of rubs before settling again in a supportive position.“So, can I bring anything to dinner other than my sparkling personality?”

* * *

 

Ken frowned. “She’s your therapist?”

Ali let out a quiet sigh. “She was my therapist. She only does inpatient therapy. We really hit it off and now we’re friends.”She gave him a little half smile. “She’s becoming someone really important in my life. I just want you to meet her.You’ll like her.”Her smile grew. “She was the Gatorade national player of the year her senior year. I mean that beats me by 49 states plus DC. You can pick her brain on goalkeeping.”

Ken’s eyebrow rose as he continued to stir the marinara sauce. He then chuckled quietly.“Or maybe we could talk about something other than shop? Maybe she’s got a cool hobby that might be worth talking about?”

Ali stopped chopping the tomatoes she was working on.She realized then that she really didn’t know that much about Ashlyn’s life outside of soccer or therapy.It was strange, really, because she knew about some of the darkest times in her life, but she didn’t know about more mundane things like her hobbies.It bothered her and made her realize that they had a long way to go until they really knew one another.“You’ll have to ask her about her hobbies then.”

“No hints?”

She was about to answer when there was a knock on the door. _Thank God._ She walked over and opened the door, smiling brightly when she saw Ashlyn standing on the landing with a small bouquet of flowers and a bottle of red wine.“Hi,” the blonde said, her eyes flicking over Ali’s shoulder before she smiled broadly at Ali. She pursed her lips and sent her a silent kiss.

Ali couldn’t help but smile brightly and return the air kiss.“So glad you’re here,” she said as she took another two steps and gave Ashlyn a brief, but warm hug.“My dad’s a little confused about why you’re coming to dinner but he’ll get over it.Just know he might be a little grumpy until you win him over.”

“I don’t have to stay.”

“You do.”Ali took the flowers and wine from Ashlyn.“Thanks for the gifts, too.They’re very thoughtful.”She leaned in and whispered, “Now get in there and meet your girlfriend’s father.”

* * *

 

Ashlyn’s heart pounded as she followed Ali back into her apartment.She took a deep breath and put a smile on her face even as she clenched her fists to keep her hands from shaking.As she followed Ali into the kitchen she told herself to just relax, just be herself. But the part of her that overthought everything and expected the worst screamed through her head not to fuck this up.

“Dad,” Ali began as they came around the small wall separating the entryway from the kitchen.“This is Ashlyn.” She moved out of the way between her father and her girlfriend.

Ashlyn took in the slightly stern face and wondered if Ali’s father somehow knew there was more between them, because he seemed to be judging her in that first instance. 

“Nice to meet you,” he said, his voice devoid of any revealing tones.

Ashlyn reached out her hand and smiled as he held out his own hand.As they shook, she said, “Nice to meet you, sir.” _Sir? I sound like her prom date._

“You can call me Ken.”He smiled then and his eyes twinkled just a little in amusement.

Ashlyn breathed a quiet sigh of relief.Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Ali leaned in and whispered, “Well, I think we’ll have wine so you’re off the hook for beer pouring.”

Ashlyn’s face instantly went red at the memory of her verbal miscue after their first date.“Thank God for that,” she whispered back.

Ali’s laughter was its usual deep rumble and it gave Ashlyn a case of the butterflies.“Here,” the brunette said after a moment.“Can you use a knife without hurting yourself?” She held out a rather large knife, handle first.

“Got anything smaller?”

Ali rolled her eyes and went over to the knife block to pull a pairing knife.“Here, how about this?”

Ashlyn took the knife and then noticed how Ken was trying to surreptitiously watch the interaction between the two of them. _Something tells me he won’t be surprised when Ali tells him about us._ She then turned to her girlfriend and smiled. “That’s fine. Now what am I cutting?”

Ali smiled slyly as she held up an unpeeled onion.

Ashlyn sighed as she held out her hand. _What I won’t do for her._

* * *

 

Dinner had gone well as far as Ali was concerned. Her father and Ashlyn seemed to get along well enough, especially once they both started talking about their love of the Redskins.Ali couldn’t help but smile as they argued about the recent draft picks and the outlook for the upcoming season.

After the meal, they spent about an hour talking in the living room before Ashlyn said she needed to go.Ali was a little confused about her girlfriend leaving early, especially considering the fact Ashlyn was going to Florida for her mother’s birthday and they wouldn’t see each other until she got back. It wasn’t until they were alone by the door that Ashlyn just smiled and said, “You two need a little father daughter time, too.I’ll talk to you later and see you when I get back.”

Ali used her body to push Ashlyn out onto the landing and let the door close behind her.“I’m going to miss you.”

“Not as much as I’ll miss you,” Ashlyn said with a grin.

Ali just chuckled and quickly fell into Ashlyn’s arms for a hug. “Have a good trip.”

“I will,” Ashlyn replied before kissing Ali on the crown of her head.“Are you going to tell him tonight?”

Ali took a deep breath and pulled back out of the embrace a little so she could look up at Ashlyn.“No sense in waiting.”

Now Ashlyn kissed her gently on the forehead. “It’ll go well.Now that he knows how awesome I am.”

Ali laughed. “How could anyone not like you?”

“Beats me,” Ashlyn said over a chuckle.

They stood there for a moment in silence before Ali nodded. “Okay, you get going.”

“Call me later and tell me how it goes.”

“I will.”Ali looked around quickly and reassured herself they were alone before leaning up and giving Ashlyn a brief but heartfelt kiss.“Goodnight.”

Ashlyn’s smile was bright and her eyes seemed to swim with emotion.“Goodnight.Talk to you later.”

As they pulled apart, Ashlyn took Ali’s hand for a moment, stretching out their arms so they could maintain contact until the last second.With a final wave and smile, the blonde then turned and went down the steps toward the parking lot.

Ali waited until she couldn’t hear Ashlyn’s footfalls anymore before taking a deep breath. “Well, here goes nothing.”She walked back into her apartment and went into the kitchen. “Do you want anything from the fridge while I’m here?” she asked, realizing she was stalling just a little.

“No, I’m good.”

Ali frowned a little and took a deep breath, trying to get her heart to stop pounding. While telling her mother had been relatively easy in the grand scheme of things, telling her father made her far more nervous.She was less sure how he would take it, although she knew in the end he’d find a way to be okay.It was just getting him to that point that might be painful.With a small self-encouraging nod of her head she gingerly walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch next to him. “I’m glad you two seemed to hit it off,” she said, her voice sounding about as awkward as she was feeling.

Ken just looked at her for a few moments, his eyes squinting in that way he had when he was trying to figure something out.“What’s really going on with you two?”

_Damn, he sure is perceptive sometimes._ She smiled then even as she felt the heat of her cheeks flushing.“We’re, um…”The words died on her lips.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly as he reached out and patted her on the knee.“Really, it is.”

She smiled a little shyly and let out a brief breath of laughter.“We’re dating,” she said, her voice almost cracking on the words. “Really only for a few days officially.”

Ken looked at her seriously and the silence seemed to thicken with each second.Finally he nodded and gave her the smallest of smiles.“I’m not going to lie and say I’m not surprised, because of course I am.But as long as you’re happy and okay, then I’m okay.”

“Really?” It seemed a little too easy and she just couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, really,” he said as he leaned over and pulled her into his arms.“All I want for you is that you’re happy.That’s all I’ve ever wanted.If Ashlyn makes you happy, then that’s fine.It’s just going to take me a little time to get used to it.”

Ali snuggled into his shoulder, feeling a lot like she did when she was a kid and he comforted her after a hard day with one of his big bear hugs.“Thank you.”She turned her face and laid her head on his shoulder. “I guess Kyle softened you up a bit.”

“I’m not proud of how hard that was for me.”

“I know,” Ali said as she patted his chest supportively.“I imagine it’s hard when the dreams you have for your kids don’t work out quite the way you planned.”

“It is hard.”There was a sadness in his voice.

“You know this doesn’t change what I want out of life,” she said, anticipating what he was thinking.“I still want kids and a big wedding.It just might look a little different.”She shrugged.“Or it might not. I can’t say for sure that things will work out forever with Ashlyn, it’s way too early to even take a guess at that. And it’s not like I suddenly can’t stand guys.”She shrugged. 

Her father let out a quiet chuckle.“Don’t try to talk yourself out of this, Alex.And, besides, all I’ve wanted is for you to bring home someone I could talk sports with. Ashlyn fits that bill.”

Ali laughed. “Wow, was that the only qualification? I wish I would have known that years ago.”

“Well,” Ken said, stretching out the word.“That and they have to think you are the most special person in the whole world.And I’m pretty sure Ashlyn feels that way about you.”

“It’s so early, Dad,” Ali tried to argue even as she hoped it was true.

“You were both trying so hard not to let on and yet it was there, plain as day.She loves you and you love her. It might still be developing, but it’s there no question. Let yourself believe in that.”

Ali’s smile was so wide at her father’s observation. She knew she was starting to fall in love with Ashlyn and that those feelings just grew and grew every day they were together.But to hear that her father could see that Ashlyn loved her, too, well it made her so happy.And relieved.“I’ll try.I really will.”

Ken kissed the crown of her head. “I’m so utterly proud of you, Alex. Life hasn’t always been easy for you, I know.And maybe some of your dreams weren’t meant to come true, but I think those dreams of finding someone who will love you totally just might. And really, when it comes right down to it, that’s the most important dream anyone can fulfill in life.”

Ali nodded even as she worried deep down that Ashlyn could still get cold feet and pull away.But she knew now, more than ever, that she would fight for her tooth and nail. They had something that was turning out to be special, maybe even something that could last for the rest of their lives if they were lucky and were willing to work hard for it. And she wasn’t about to just let that go without a fight if need be.“I hope so, Dad. I really do.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken a while. I've had some stuff going on plus I'm feeling a little less than confident about getting my point across on this so I've been editing it a lot. I'm trying to actually have a point to my slow rolling the sex part of the relationship so I hope it makes sense. I promise it's not THAT far off.
> 
> Anyway, this is the last chapter I have completely done and with life just being a little rough at the moment can't promise when the next one will be up. I've got the next one about 2/3 done so hopefully in a week or two, but no promises. Including that one there are only 5 chapters left (well 4 plus an epilogue) so I'm trying to push through.
> 
> Let me know what you think, even if you think Ali's thoughts on herself are totally BS.
> 
> As always thanks so much for reading and for your patience. And of course for the kudos and comments. They do give me that little nudge to keep going. You guys are awesome.

Ashlyn smiled as she listened to Ali’s rumbling laugh come over her phone. The brunette’s laughter quieted as she asked, “A shark onesie? Really, Ash?” She started laughing again just as hard as before.

“Yes, Ali, I have a shark onesie and it’s awesome.”Ashlyn swung her legs as she sat on the back gate of her brother’s SUV. “It’s blue with all kinds of sharks. Hammerheads and tiger sharks and great whites and all kinds of awesome sharks. I wear it almost non-stop during Shark Week.”

Ali’s laughter became a little quieter. “I can’t wait to see it.”

Ashlyn felt a smile grow on her lips. “Oh I bet you do,” she teased.

“Ashlyn,” Ali said with a warning tone before she chuckled.“And, no, I’m not having dirty thoughts about taking that onesie off you.”

“Um, yeah, sure, you keep telling yourself that.”Ashlyn smiled brightly at the banter. It was something they had started to do more often and it helped ease some of the nervousness and worry she still harbored as they became more and more entwined with each other’s lives. She was starting to want more with Ali, sure, but sometimes those demons screamed through her head that she could get hurt again. So, the laughter and happiness that came out of their joking helped ease that.Maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to get her over the hump and on the steady path toward an actual relationship. She hoped so at least.

Ali’s laughter was still light. “You are so bad sometimes.”

“You know it.” Ashlyn looked up as her brother came over.He quirked his eyebrow but said nothing as he sat down beside her.Ashlyn took the hint and knew they needed to be getting back to the house if they wanted time to shower before their mother’s party.“I need to get going. Chris is giving me the evil eye.”

“Have a really good time and I’ll see you Monday.I can’t wait.”

“Can’t wait to see you, too.”Ashlyn knew she had a goofy grin on her face and she didn’t care. There was just something about Ali that made her so giddy. “Have a good Saturday. Bye.”

“Bye, Ash.”

When the phone went dead, Ashlyn let out a quiet sigh and turned it off.“Ready to get going?” she asked her brother as she started to hop off the gate.

His arm shot out and went across her midsection, keeping her from getting away. “Oh, no way, Ash. I want to know who that was.Because you have that dreamy look that teenage girls get when talking about their boy band crush.”

“Are boy bands still a thing?”

“You’re stalling,” he admonished.

“Fine,” Ashlyn said with an overly dramatic sigh. “I’m sort of dating someone.”

“Sort of? Is that like being sort of pregnant?” Chris laughed and there was that mischievous twinkle in his eye that she knew far too well.

“Well, since I may never be sort of or totally pregnant for that matter, I have to get my sort ofs somewhere.”She suddenly felt a nervousness in the pit of her stomach and she couldn’t explain it. “I think I told you I had a patient who had been injured in the DC attacks, right? Well, it’s her.Her name’s Ali.”

Chris looked quite surprised at that revelation. “A former patient? That’s not like you.”

“Well, no one’s like Ali.”

Chris just looked at her for a few seconds before he smiled. “You’re in love. It’s written all over your face.”

Ashlyn’s heart started pounding at that even as she shook her head. “It’s too early. Way too early. It’s really only been going on for a week.”

“What, you only decided you liked her a week ago?” He was now wearing his I-call-bullshit look.

“Well, no.” She had to admit she was definitely feeling more for Ali than she should be at that point, way more in fact. _He’s right._ But she couldn’t say it out loud. To say it out loud meant it was real and she just couldn’t let it be real yet. She needed more time to believe in Ali, to believe that her new girlfriend wouldn’t just crush her heart and soul whether intentionally or not. It was the fear that had kept her up a few nights in the last week.No, she couldn’t speak the truth before she was ready for it to be the truth. “I like her. That’s all.”

“You go on believing that.”

Ashlyn sighed heavily. “I’m afraid, Chris. You know that. I’m terrified of another Jess. I don’t think Ali would do that, but things with her have happened so suddenly. I mean, she’s never even been attracted to a woman before.”She shook her head. “There’s this tiny part of me that worries this is more about the fact I helped her walk again and gave her the support she needed when she was having a rough time. Did I mention her boyfriend died in the attacks?”

“Wow, okay, that’s complicated.”He looked out toward the ocean and seemed to ponder things. Finally he looked back at her and gave her a slight shrug. “I want you to be happy, Ash. And I know how hard it’s been these years since Jess.That girl was pure evil in my book. I’m sure this Ali isn’t like that. I mean I hope there aren’t two people like that in this whole world. But you’re right. Maybe you should be cautious and be more sure that she’s not falling for you because you helped her. That is a thing, after all. I saw something about it on TV once.”

“I know,” she said, feeling dejected at the idea. She didn’t want to believe it, of course. She wanted to believe that Ali’s affections were for her as a person, that the fact she had helped get Ali through a rough period had only opened the door to feelings that would have arisen otherwise, but she just couldn’t get herself to fully buy it. _Damn you Jess for fucking me up so much._ “We’re taking things slowly, so I guess that’s a good thing. I can’t just jump all in, not this soon. I need to give it some time.”

Chris chuckled then and looked down at his watch. “Well, I don’t think we’ll solve this now, but I do know that we better not take any more time for this or Mom will kill us.”

She leaned over and gave him a hug. They hadn’t always had the best relationship, especially through the lows they had both experienced in life, but it was nice that they seemed to finally be able to be there for one another.  “Thanks. I appreciate you listening to my sob story.”

He jumped off the back gate and smiled brightly at her. “Well, I for one am hoping I’ll get to listen to all your awesome stories when she turns out to be legit.”

Ashlyn just smiled. “Me, too, bro.Me too.”

 

* * *

Ali let out a huge sigh of relief as she practically fell onto the grass. “What was that, half a mile?”

Kyle plopped down next to her and shook his head. “More like two-tenths of a mile. Sorry.”

Ali let out a deep breath and then smiled. “Still more than I could do last week.”

“It sure is,” Kyle said as he patted her back. “You are really doing amazingly well. Your girl would be so proud of you.”

Ali couldn’t help but smile at the mention of Ashlyn. Things had gone pretty well their first week as a couple and she just felt amazing about it. She didn’t even feel all that guilty about being so happy. At least not too often. And when she did, she would tell Ashlyn, and the blonde would remind her that the friends she lost would want her to be happy and live her life.It was something she had really started to take to heart and having Ashlyn there to remind her was just one of many things she was so grateful for. “I really like her.”

“Is that all? Just like?” Kyle gave her that smile he always did when he was needling her.

“I’m not sure I’d say I love her yet, but I’m getting there.”

Kyle leaned back on his elbows and grinned slyly. “Have you guys had sex yet?”

Ali’s eyes flew open as she reached over and smacked at Kyle’s midsection. “What the hell, Kyle?”

“What?” He rubbed at the spot where she had hit him. “You’ve told me every time you first had sex with your previous paramours.”

She had to admit he was right. She had always confided in him with her past boyfriends, sometimes sharing her cautious excitement or trepidation, once even laughing at how awkward it had been. He’d always listened and supported her no matter what. “No, not yet.”

“Haven’t you reached the third date? That’s the sex date.”He wiggled his eyebrows and then laughed. “Third date is sex on the couch. It’s practically a rule.”

“Well, then Ashlyn and I must be rebels because I guess we’ve been on five dates, although most of them were just hanging out and the fifth one was dinner with Dad, so clearly no sex going on then.”Just the thought of that freaked her out.

“Ugh, yeah, dinner with the parents is kind of a libido killer.” He rolled over onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. “But, seriously, are you guys getting close at least?”

“What do you define as close?”

“I dunno. Feeling each other up? At least making sure you’ve shaved and worn matching underwear in case it happens?”Kyle’s grin definitely showed he was having a little too much fun with this line of questioning. 

“We’ll get there,” Ali said back with a little less patience in her voice than she would have liked.

Kyle must have picked up on it. “Is anything wrong?”

“No,” Ali said even as she sighed and flopped onto her back.She looked over at her brother. “I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about my past dating life and I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I think I made before.”

“What mistakes?”

“Well maybe mistake is the wrong word.”She took a deep breath and let it out. She wasn’t sure she could really explain this so that Kyle would understand. Even though they were so alike in some ways, there were definitely areas where they were polar opposites and she was pretty sure this was one of them. “When you meet a hot guy, what’s your reaction?”

“Do you mean how long do I wait until we’re ripping each other’s clothes off?”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, when you put it that way it makes it sound like I think you’re a slut, which of course I don’t.But I guess I mean do you need more than the physical attraction?”

“Well, I need to make sure he’s not an asshole or a Republican at the very least,” he joked back.

She laughed quietly and then sighed. “I read this article a few months ago, back before the attack, about how there are different types of people when it comes to how you form a relationship, how you fall in love really.Some people need sex early on and the sex is what leads them to love and some people are the opposite.I think I was trying to be the sex-first typebecause that’s what I thought I should do.But really maybe I’m just a romantic who needs to fall in love first.”

“Nothing wrong with that I guess.”

She still felt like she needed to explain more to him, like he wasn’t understanding. “Like when you first so helpfully pointed out that I was attracted to Ashlyn, it was really mostly an emotional attraction. I mean of course she’s gorgeous and sexy and all that, but I’ve noticed the more I get to know her, and the more I fall in love with her—God I’m so falling in love with her—well the more that happens the more sexually attracted to her I am.”She sighed heavily and shook her head as she stared up at the sky. “Does that make any sense?”

Kyle reached over and put his hand on her shoulder.It wasn’t until she finally looked at him that he spoke. “Ali, of course it does. Have you told her this though?”

“No.” She shrugged. “I think she thinks I need to go slow because she’s a woman. And, yeah, I’m nervous about that, of course I am. There’s this little voice in my head that worries I won’t like it, although I think that’s just me being a worrier.”

Kyle laughed. “That is one of your super powers.”

Ali laughed along with him. “Yeah it can be at times.” She got serious again. “I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” Just thinking of Ashlyn brought a smile to her lips. “She’s so amazing and caring. I’m not afraid to tell her. I mean I get the feeling she’s the type who might lean a little more toward earlier sex in a relationship normally, but I know she’s hesitant because of what happened with her ex all those years ago.”She laughed a little dryly. “So to go back to your question, we’re getting there slowly. I’m not quite at a point where I’m worried about my lingerie, but we’re getting a little more physical. It’s a nice build.”

“As long as you’re both happy.”

That brought out a huge smile on Ali’s face. “For the first time since the attacks, I’m definitely happy.”She thought about it for a moment. “This is the most happy I’ve been with someone I’ve dated I think. I think this could end up being something, Kyle.”

He sat up and motioned with his hand for Ali to do the same, which she did.He then wrapped her in a strong hug that made her squirm and giggle at the same time. “You deserve this, Alex, more than anyone I know.”

“Thanks.” She let the hug go on for a few more seconds before pulling out of it.  “So,” she said, needing to stop the heavy conversation and get back to just having a fun afternoon with her brother, “shall we head back? I think my leg is rested enough.”

“Race you?” Kyle said with a bright grin.

She just rolled her eyes and held out her hand so he could help her up. “You just wait until I’m healthy, Kyle. You just wait.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually getting some writing done, so here's the next chapter with all its angst and getting things out in the open a bit. Only 3 more chapters and the epilogue to go after this. Hoping I can keep it to one chapter a week but there are some big things to still get down that might take a while longer. But I'm trying!
> 
> Thanks for the encouragement folks. It really helps my motivation.

Ashlyn’s heart skipped a beat when she caught sight of Ali waiting for her just outside of the airport security area. It was all she could do not to run to her, so instead she just used her long strides to rapidly eat up the distance between them.Ali’s smile shone brightly and, as she got closer, Ashlyn could see the happiness sparkling in her brown eyes. “Hey you,” Ashlyn said as she barely kept her gait to a walk for the last few steps.

“Hey you, back,” Ali said as she opened her arms and wrapped them around Ashlyn. “I missed you,” she whispered quietly as her head fell onto Ashlyn’s shoulder.

“I missed you more,” Ashlyn said as she kissed the side of Ali’s head.She pulled back a little and smiled down at Ali.

For a second, Ashlyn thought Ali might close the distance between them and kiss her, but instead the brunette shook her head.“Not here,” she whispered so quietly Ashlyn barely heard her over the general noise in the airport.

Ashlyn nodded. It wasn’t a surprise, really. So far, Ali’s affectionate side didn’t really come out unless they were alone. Ali was certainly still adjusting to dating a woman, but obviously that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt just a little anyway.Not the least of which because there was that voice in her head that got loud in moments like this, that made her afraid that taking this risk with Ali would end only in heartbreak. She couldn’t help but remember her discussion with Chris about how it was possible Ali was drawn to her because of the care she had given her during her rehabilitation.She didn’t want to believe that, but that voice was sometimes just so insistent. Sometimes it just felt like there were too many excuses not to believe in this.

“How was your trip?” Ali said as she pulled away from Ashlyn and started to slowly walk toward the exit.

Ashlyn resettled the bag on her shoulder and matched Ali’s pace. “It was great. My mom’s party was nice. She’s gone through some tough times in the last few years so it’s great to see her happy. My brother too. And it was so great to see my nephew. He’s growing up so fast.”

“I’m glad you got to see all of them.”

Ashlyn looked over at Ali, taking in her steps with a practiced eye. “You’re really walking well.”

Ali looked over at her and gave her a smile. “Kyle had me out walking every day you were gone. And I’ve started to go to the gym to work on some easy weights and riding on the bike. It’s getting a lot stronger.”

“Well, I approve,” Ashlyn said with a proud smile.

They then fell into a silence that at first seemed comfortable but as they slowly made their way out of the airport and through the tunnel to the parking garage it seemed to become a little awkward. Ashlyn kept looking at Ali out of the corner of her eye, trying to read her body language. But she had to admit she still didn’t know her girlfriend well enough to really read the subtleties of her face. She needed to break the silence, though, for her own sanity. “Is it hurting at all?”

Ali shook her head. “No, not really. It’s a little tight and there’s the occasional twinge, but not really more than that. The last week or so it’s been a ton better.”She smiled at Ashlyn. “You really did a good job getting me on the right path, Ash. I think one day soon I might even be able to take those PKs against you we talked about.”

“There isn’t enough healing to help you get PKs past me,” Ashlyn said with a laugh to cover the uneasy feeling that still nibbled at the back of her brain.

“Just you wait,” Ali said with a carefree laugh.She pointed over toward her car. “Glad we’re almost there.”

“You’ll make it.”

“Barely,” Ali said and Ashlyn could hear the tension in her voice.

But they finally did and before long they were sitting in Ali’s car.Ashlyn looked over at her girlfriend and was about to say something when Ali leaned over and gave her a light kiss.Ashlyn couldn’t help but smile. “I missed that.”

“Me too,” Ali said, her smile turning a little hesitant.She looked out the front window and then back to Ashlyn. “I’m just not—”

“It’s okay,” Ashlyn rushed in to say.She reached up and cupped Ali’s cheek, letting her thumb run gently along her cheekbone. She searched Ali’s eyes, trying to find something there that would allay her concerns, but there seemed to be just the smallest uncertainty shining back at her.And all she could think, all that small voice in the back of her head could scream out, was that maybe Ali wouldn’t be able to give her what she needed.Sure it was still early and Ali needed time to get comfortable with this relationship, but Ashlyn just couldn’t silence that voice that cast doubts in her mind.But she knew she needed to support Ali if there was any hope. “Don’t feel like you need to rush anything on my account.”

For a moment it looked like Ali might argue but then instead she leaned over and gave Ashlyn a deeper, longer kiss.When she finally pulled back she smiled at Ashlyn. “I don’t feel like you want me to rush.I appreciate that.”

“Good,” Ashlyn said before giving her another peck. _Stop it. Just let this happen and give her time. She’ll get there and so will you._ “Now, let’s get back to my place so we can really continue this.”

Ali just chuckled as she started up her car and pulled out of the parking space.

* * *

 

As Ali sat down on Ashlyn’s couch she frowned a little. Something just seemed off with her girlfriend. Almost from the get go in the airport there was a little awkward distance rippling off the blonde and Ali had spent the entire drive trying to figure out what caused it.But she was at a loss.She took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “Hey,” she said, feeling her heart beat a little harder at the prospect of confronting Ashlyn, “is something wrong?”

“What?”Ashlyn frowned as she sank down on the couch beside her.“What makes you say that?”

Ali shrugged. She didn’t want to seem like someone who was a worrywart, but she didn’t want something to fester if it was there either. “You seem, I don’t know, a little off or something.”She took a deep breath and spoke the one thing she figured could be the issue.“Was it because I didn’t want us to kiss in public?”

For a moment Ashlyn looked like she was going to deny it, but then her shoulders fell and she let out a deep breath. “Not so much that exactly. It’s just…”She looked down and took a deep breath before meeting Ali’s eyes again. “It’s that stupid fear I have that somehow this won’t work and that I’ll get hurt.”She shook her head and Ali could see tears starting to pool in her hazel eyes. “Chris and I were talking about it and I guess I just let some doubt creep in.”

Ali’s first reaction was to be defensive, to simply swear that she wouldn’t hurt Ashlyn, but she knew deep down she needed to really try to find out what her fears were so that she could maybe find a way to truly alleviate them. “Where is the doubt coming from? Is it because you’re the first woman I’ve been attracted to? Are you afraid I’m suddenly going to realize that I’m straight and walk away?”

Ashlyn shook her head resolutely. “No. I mean, I don’t think so. Maybe a little, but it’s more… Really it’s just stupid.”

Ali reached up and cupped Ashlyn’s chin, forcing her to make eye contact. She smiled gently at the blonde. “It’s not stupid if it’s worrying you. I won’t think you’re stupid for this, Ash. Please just tell me.”

Ashlyn nodded a little and shut her eyes just as a tear spilled down onto her left cheek. “Are you sure you’re really attracted to me or is it because I helped you get better?”

“What?” It was something Ali had thought of in the past when she was first coming to terms with her initial feelings for her girlfriend, so at least she wasn’t completely caught off guard by the question.“Ashlyn, of course that’s part of it, but I’m not attracted to you because you nursed me back to health. That was just a chance for me to see how amazing you are.” 

“So, you really are attracted to me? Really?” Her voice sounded so unsure that it broke Ali’s heart.

“Listen to me, okay? I’ve been thinking a ton about my past relationships and about how things have been developing with you. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that I need to fall for the person, for who they are inside, far more than for their outward appearance or even their sex.And the more I fall for the you inside, the more the rest of it, the physical attraction and the desire for more intimacy grows.”She tapped Ashlyn’s chest, just over her heart. “I’m 100% attracted to you, Ash. To the woman inside and that’s the most important thing. I’m not just grateful to you for getting me back on my feet. God, I’ve never fallen for anyone this hard or this fast, okay? Really. I’m just easing into it so I don’t screw it up.”

Ashlyn just looked at her for a moment, her brow furrowed.“Screw it up?”

Ali leaned back heavily into the couch, feeling a small wave of anxiety hit her. She didn’t want anything she said to be misconstrued by Ashlyn, because that might just aggravate her fears.She sighed quietly and then reached over to take Ashlyn’s hand in her own. “I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the last week or two. I’ve thought about all my relationships. I’ve thought about that woman Kyle swears I had feelings for in Germany, Karolina. I think I’ve just realized I felt like I had to feel a certain way for the person I was attracted to. I guess I bought into this idea that if I fall in love with someone, the attraction has to be fast and overwhelming, that I have to have this intense physical attraction to them right away. So with all the guys I dated and thought I’d like to get serious with, well we ended up having sex way before I think I was ready.”

“Ali,” Ashlyn began before Ali cut her off.

“No, let me finish, okay? I need you to understand where I am and where I’m going.”She smiled brightly. “Because, really, I’m excited about where this is going. So excited.” She couldn’t contain herself so she leaned over and gave Ashlyn a kiss. “It’s good.”She shrugged and let out a quiet puff of joy-laden laughter. “Really good.”

Ashlyn’s smile was a little hesitant and Ali could pick out the now familiar hue of fear in her hazel eyes. “Okay, go on,” she said, her voice sounding just a hint tight.

“Basically, I didn’t give myself the chance to really fall in love with any of the guys I dated. Suddenly it became mostly about the sex. It…”She stopped for a moment as she felt her face flush with heat. “We never actually made love. We just had sex.”

“Ali,” Ashlyn started again before Ali put a finger to her lips to silence her.

“Not finished.”She smiled when Ashlyn gave her the smallest of nods. “I’m not saying that sex isn’t amazing and certainly not every time has to be this big romantic lovemaking thing.I love sex just for sex. Sometimes.But I also want more and for that I need to fall in love first.”Ali could see the hint of uncertainty still playing in Ashlyn’s eyes so she replaced her finger with her lips, giving Ashlyn a gentle kiss.She pulled back just far enough that she could look her deep in the eyes. “I’m really starting to fall in love with you, Ashlyn.Really fast if I’m being honest.I just need to fall a little further. I need to get comfortable with it.”She laughed quietly as nervousness welled up in her. “I hope that makes sense.”

Ashlyn’s smile was gentle and supportive. “It does.”

“Really?”

Ashlyn laughed quietly. “Yes.”She leaned in and gently kissed Ali before leaning back with a smile.“And thank you.”

“What for?”

Ashlyn reached up with both hands to cup Ali’s face before gently pulling her forward until their foreheads rested against one another.“You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you are attracted to me, to the me inside. I guess I really needed to hear that today. That means everything to me.”

Ali smiled as she felt a wave of warmth wash over her. She reached up to caress Ashlyn’s hands. “You’re amazing Ashlyn. You’re smart and funny and kind. You’re everything I’ve always looked for.” She chuckled. “Maybe you came in an unexpected package, but it’s a really sexy and beautiful package so I’m not complaining.”

Ashlyn laughed as she sat back and smiled at Ali. Her eyes were stormy as she just looked at Ali for a few long moments. “I’ve been so afraid but I need to stop letting the fear creep up and win. I want this to be true.”

“It is,” Ali whispered quietly. She just smiled then because she wanted to encourage Ashlyn without breaking the bubble they were in that might give her the support and courage to take the next step.

Ashlyn took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then her eyes seemed to clear and soften as her smile grew. “I’m falling in love with you, too.”

Ali’s smile was instantaneous. “You’re sure?” She made sure there was a hint of humor in her question.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Ali kissed Ashlyn with all the emotion she felt overcome her in that moment.“Thank you for being brave, Ashlyn. I promise you this is just the start.”

“I know,” Ashlyn said with far more confidence than Ali had heard in her voice before. “I really do believe it now.”

As they came together in another longer kiss, Ali just let herself relish in the happiness and relief she felt in that moment. She knew they both had to grow into this relationship more, that there was still a road ahead until they’d both feel totally secure in it and their future, but this was a massive step forward. And now that they’d opened up and both knew better where they stood and where they were going, she knew they’d get there sooner rather than later.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting some writing done so can happily post this chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Next chapter is a little heavy (bring tissues) so hoping this mostly fun chapter gives you a little respite before then.
> 
> I'm starting to write the big rated M chapter tonight. Wish me luck!
> 
> As always thanks for the reads, kudos, and comments. You guys are the best.

“Do I have to wear a swimsuit?”

Ali’s voice coming from behind her bedroom door didn’t sound particularly enthused. “You don’t have to, but I think you should. You’ve been complaining about not having a tan. This is the perfect opportunity to work on that.”

“Not having a tan, gaining weight since I still can’t really work out, oh and these nasty scars on my leg. I think I need one of those suits they used to wear in the early 1900s.”

Ashlyn let out a quiet sigh of frustration. She understood why Ali was reacting the way she was. Her girlfriend had mentioned that she was having a hard time dropping the dozen or so pounds she’d put on during her forced immobility. Dating Ashlyn certainly hadn’t helped with all the dinners and lunches they’d shared. Even though she understood, it still frustrated her because she didn’t really know what to say to make her feel better, especially because Ashlyn thought Ali looked amazing. But she knew she had to try. “Can I come in?”

There was a pause before Ali answered. “Sure.”

Ashlyn pushed the door open and walked in, stopping just inside.She smiled when she saw Ali standing there in a deep blue bikini, her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head, and an almost comical frown on her face. As much as Ashlyn wanted to laugh at her girlfriend’s cute expression, she forced herself to stay serious. “You look beautiful, Ali.”

Ali pinched at the skin on her stomach just above her bikini bottom. “Look at this.”

Ashlyn walked over and drew Ali’s hand away from her stomach. “Look at me.” She waited for the brunette to look up at her. “You’re beautiful. Your body is beautiful. You’re not fat, I promise.”She took a small step back and looked Ali up and down, enjoying the chance to really appreciate Ali’s physique. “Okay, you are a little pale,” she said with a light laugh.

Ali smacked at Ashlyn’s shoulder but also laughed. She then let her head fall onto Ashlyn’s chest and exhaled a long breath. “I’m sorry I’m being a little insecure.”

Ashlyn wrapped her arms around Ali and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I’m really not lying. I wouldn’t do that to you. You are gorgeous Ali. And yes you’ve got some scars, but there isn’t anything you can do about that.They’re just part of your story now. And that story is amazing, okay?”

Ashlyn could feel Ali nod on her shoulder. “I believe you. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

“Are you still not going to tell me where we’re going?” Ali turned her head up and started kissing along Ashlyn’s jaw.

“That won’t work,” Ashlyn said even as she turned her head and captured Ali’s lips with her own for a long moment.“And, no, I won’t tell you. It’s a surprise. Now put on your shorts and tank, slip your sandals on, and let’s get going. We’re wasting precious sunlight.”

Ali stepped back and shook her head with a roll of her eyes. “Fine, if you want to play it like that.”

“I do, Miss Krieger.Oh I so do.”

* * *

“A marina?” Ali looked at the sign as they drove into the parking lot next to the Potomac River. “Are we going out on a boat?”

Ashlyn’s smile was blazing. “Yup. One of my best friends has a boat and we’re borrowing it for the evening. And before you can ask, yes I know what I’m doing.”

“Well, I assumed since you grew up basically on the water you could drive a boat.”At least Ali wasn’t really about to admit that she had just been about to ask that question. But she trusted Ashlyn, of course, more than almost anyone not in her immediate family. She was sure that her girlfriend would never put her in danger, especially just for a nice afternoon and evening together. “So are we just going to cruise the river all day?”

Ashlyn pulled her Jeep into a space and turned off the car. “Cruising, dinner at a nice restaurant that we can get to by boat, and then we’ll watch the fireworks from the marina at the restaurant. They’re tonight so they don’t conflict with the big Fourth shindig in DC.”

Ali's smile was instantaneous and bright. “Dinner and fireworks?”

“Nothing but the best for my girl. Now if you’ll grab that bag out of the back seat, I’ll get the cooler and we can go get settled in.”

It took them a few minutes to get everything they needed and far more than a few minutes to slowly make their way down to the boat slip. Finally they made it to the boat.It wasn’t particularly large, but it had a small bridge and a few benches along the back area plus what appeared to be steps leading down to what Ali assumed was a small living area. Ashlyn held her hand out to point at it. “She’s a 30 foot family cruiser, so if we end up getting tired we can just sleep here tonight. Actually I think Angie said it will sleep five so I think we’ll be okay.”

“It’s really nice,” Ali said as she set the bag she had been carrying down on the dock. Her eyes went to the small gap between the boat and the dock. “But Ash, I’m not sure I feel comfortable getting on over that space.”

Ashlyn’s eyes lit up as she easily bridged the gap and climbed on board.She ducked down into the area where the cabin was and came back with a rather wide board.“I’ll help you across on this, okay? It’s two steps and you’ll be fine.”She gently placed the board down and then walked across it to demonstrate. “Let me get our stuff on first and then I’ll help.”

The bag and cooler were on board before Ali could even think. And then Ashlyn stood on the board, her hand out so that Ali could take it. Her heart beat a little faster as Ashlyn finally walked her across the board, but really it was quite easy since the water was only slightly rippling under the boat.She smiled as Ashlyn showed her around the small watercraft. There were two seats up top on the bridge so they could spend time together while Ashlyn navigated the waters. Below there was a small kitchenette and a table where they could share the lunch Ashlyn told her was in the cooler. And last, but certainly far from least, there was a bathroom, which Ali was very grateful to see. Finally, they came back up topside and Ashlyn held out a container of sunscreen. “Since you’re so worried about your pale complexion.”

Ali caught the hint of mischief in Ashlyn’s eyes. “Let me guess. You’ll gladly help me put it on.”

“Only if you say ‘please’.”

Ali pulled her tank top off and smiled. “Please.”

Ashlyn seemed almost shocked that Ali had played along so brazenly but it only took a second for her normal confidence to come back.“Sit down on the bench,” she said with a nod of her head to a bench toward the back of the boat. When Ali was seated Ashlyn sat next to her and tilted her head. “I’ll get your back. I think anything else might be, well, a little too much foreplay for midday.”

“Scared, Harris?” Ali said back before she even could think about what she was suggesting.

Ali could hear Ashlyn’s quick intake of air before the blonde laughed. “Challenge accepted, Krieger.”

Ali laughed, too, although it was mostly because she suddenly had a massive flight of butterflies go off in her stomach. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath, trying to calm herself. But it was to no avail, because as soon as Ashlyn’s hands gently touched her shoulders and began working the sunscreen into her skin, she shivered and the butterflies started dive bombing in rapid succession.

Ashlyn leaned close to Ali’s ear. When she spoke, her voice was low and barely above a whisper. “Just relax and let me take care of you.”

Ali nodded, not willing to trust her voice right then. She took another deep breath and this time she felt some of the nervousness and energy seep out of her just as Ashlyn went back to working the lotion into her skin. The longer it went on, as Ashlyn’s hands worked their way down her back, she became more and more used to the sensation and began to truly enjoy it. In fact, she was even starting to drift off into a state of mental bliss when Ashlyn’s hands stopped. She turned her head toward Ashlyn. “All done?”

“Well, if you really want me to accept your challenge, I’m only partially done.” There was a mischievous glint in Ashlyn’s hazel eyes.

Ali’s heart began to pound but there was no way she was going to back down. What little exploration they’d done of each other had been almost entirely over clothing, with just the occasional dip below a shirt hem. This would obviously be so much more. And Ali had to admit that she was practically dying to feel Ashlyn’s hands on her overheated skin even as she was incredibly nervous as well. She turned the rest of the way around, taking a quick breath to gather herself as she did, and then put on as much confidence as she could muster. “I wouldn’t want to burn,” she said as she gave Ashlyn what she hoped was a sexy grin.

“No, we can’t have that.” Ashlyn started on the front of her shoulders and then worked her hands lower, gently massaging the lotion into the skin revealed by Ali’s bikini top. The brunette swallowed but somehow managed to keep it together.Just the feeling of Ashlyn’s strong, yet gentle hands on her felt like both the warmest of caresses and the hottest of fires all at once. Ashlyn went slowly and when her finger edged just slightly under the material of Ali’s bikini top, Ali wasn’t able to control her reaction.

“You’re shaking,” Ashlyn whispered, her voice almost reverent in tone.

Ali needed to break a little of the tension she was feeling deep down. “I think the proper term is trembling.”

Ashlyn’s finger dipped yet again under Ali’s bikini top, not far, just enough to be daring. “It’s a good tremble, I take it.”

“Um, yeah,” was all Ali was able to say this time.

Ashlyn chuckled as she finished her work of ensuring Ali’s breasts would be safe from the mid-summer sun. “Lean back a little,” she said as she put more lotion on her hands and began working on the brunette’s stomach.

Ali leaned back on her arms and watched Ashlyn’s face as she worked the lotion into her stomach. There was a bit of deep concentration on her girlfriend’s face, along with a flush and just a hint of a smile. “Are you getting turned on there Ashlyn?” she asked, needing to know she wasn’t the only one.

She could hear Ashlyn swallow before her hazel eyes turned up to meet her own. “How could I not? You’re amazing,” she whispered.

Ali reached up with one hand and used it to draw Ashlyn into a kiss. “You’re amazing, too,” she whispered when they broke apart.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” Ashlyn said with a smirk.

Ali was grateful for the humor, especially as Ashlyn got back to work and her hands worked their way down her abdomen. Again, there was the point where Ashlyn’s finger dipped beneath the material of Ali’s bikini bottom, causing the brunette to draw in a sharp intake of breath. She was very glad she hadn’t chosen her red bikini that day. Its extra low waistline would have been dangerously close to going too far out here in the open.

Ali was relieved actually when Ashlyn finished her work there and went down to start at her feet. It certainly wasn’t that she wasn’t enjoying the blonde’s firm yet gentle hands on her lower abdomen, she was, more than she maybe thought possible. But this wasn’t the place—and it probably wasn’t even quite the time yet although that was quickly becoming a moot point—for them to take their relationship to that level.

Ashlyn worked up Ali’s legs but suddenly stopped mid-thigh and handed the sunscreen to Ali. “You can finish from here.”

“Thanks,” Ali replied, feeling a heated shyness come to her cheeks as she quickly finished the task.She was glad Ashlyn hadn’t pushed things too far by finishing the job. That would have been just a little too much. When she was finished, she looked at Ashlyn, “Can I help you?”

Before she could even answer, Ashlyn was whipping her t-shirt off, revealing her own black bikini top. She smiled at Ali as she turned to reveal her back. “Really this was my plan all along.”

“Ah,” Ali said as she squirted a little of the lotion directly on Ashlyn’s back before beginning to spread it into her soft skin. “You are a devious one, Miss Harris.”

“You know it.”

Ali chuckled deeply as she finished the work on Ashlyn’s back and then used her hands to turn her girlfriend around. “I take it you want the full package?”

Ashlyn pushed her chest out just a little and smiled slyly. “As if you have to ask.”

Ali snorted out a quick laugh. “I should have known.” She then started working on Ashlyn’s shoulders and down to the soft skin revealed by her modest bikini top. “Is it getting hot out here?” she joked as her fingers worked the lotion in. She swallowed as she felt those now familiar butterflies resume their dive bombing in her stomach. “I’ve never intentionally touched another woman’s breasts before.”

“Here’s hoping it won’t be the last time.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, it won’t.” It only took her a few moments before she finished and then went on to Ashlyn’s stomach and finally her legs, all the while feeling the stirrings of desire bubble up in her while doing her best to keep her libido on the back burner. She knew now, more than ever, that she wanted to be with Ashlyn, wanted to share everything she was feeling for Ashlyn with her. And she knew it wouldn’t be long now. She finally knew that for sure and it made her feel almost giddy. “There you go,” she said as she handed the lotion to Ashlyn so she could finish her legs. While she was enjoying the physical closeness, it was also nice to leave it just where it was and savor just what they had shared. There was plenty of time for more later.

After finishing up, Ashlyn just looked at her for a moment, her expression serious. “There’s no rush,” she finally said quietly.

Ali leaned closer and gave her a simple kiss. “I know. And thank you.”

“Always,” Ashlyn replied before returning the kiss.

“Now, shall we get going? I can’t wait for you to impress me with your piloting skills.”

“Oh, they are such amazing skills,” Ashlyn said as she took Ali’s hand and led her toward the chairs on the bridge. “Just you wait.”

* * *

“Why did you let me eat so much?” Ashlyn asked as she awkwardly plopped down on the blankets and pillows they’d set up on the boat deck so they could watch the fireworks. “I mean that key lime pie was almost as good as any I’ve had, but it was a bit overkill.”

Ali patted Ashlyn’s flat stomach and just rolled her eyes. “I’m the one who needs to lose a few pounds and I didn’t hear you stopping me from getting that mud pie. Now I’m going to have to spend an extra hour on the bike tomorrow.”

Ashlyn looked at Ali and realized she wasn’t entirely joking. “Don’t push yourself too hard, okay? You don’t want to hurt your recovery.”She hated that Ali was suddenly being self-conscious about the few pounds she’d put on while mostly bedridden. “You are so beautiful, Ali. And I’m not just saying that because you’re my girlfriend. You are stunning, really, and a few pounds extra aren’t going to change that. Let yourself get back to your normal weight naturally, okay? As you get more active it’ll happen.”

“I know,” Ali said as her head fell onto Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I guess I just need something to complain about.” She chuckled quietly. “My life’s been pretty good lately, largely thanks to you.”

“Mine, too,” Ashlyn said as she kissed Ali on the forehead. “I haven’t felt this content in almost forever.”

“I’m glad,” Ali said as she kissed Ashlyn. “Let’s keep it going, okay?”

“Of course.”

They settled into the pillow and blankets, Ali snuggled into Ashlyn’s side, just as the first fireworks went up over the river. While it wasn’t the extravaganza that the fireworks in the District were, it was a wonderful display that brought out a number of oohs and aahs from them both.It was wonderful to just lie there, cuddled up with the woman she could no longer doubt that she loved.This was certainly what she wanted—now and every day going forward. 

After the final fireworks went off and the two of them spent a short time generating a little fireworks of their own, they got up and put away the blankets so they could head back to where their borrowed boat was housed.Ali went over and checked her phone while Ashlyn made a quick trip to the bathroom. When the blonde came back topside, she noticed Ali’s demeanor had changed. She looked apprehensive as she stared off over the dark water. “You okay?”

Ali turned to her suddenly, like she had been surprised by Ashlyn’s voice. She finally motioned with her phone. “There was a message from my fire chief. They’re finally done with the investigation and recovery at the attack site. He said if I wanted to go visit before they just cart everything away, I could. He thought it might help in some way. I have to decide by Wednesday.”

Ashlyn’s heart started beating faster as she didn’t know exactly how to react. She walked over to Ali and held her arms out to give her the option whether she wanted the hug or not. Her girlfriend smiled as she took the offer. Ashlyn rested her head on Ali’s hair. “What do you think you want to do?”

Ali was quiet for a moment even as her arms tightened around Ashlyn’s body.Finally, she asked, “Will you go with me?”

“Me?” Ashlyn was very surprised at the request. “You sure you don’t want your parents or Kyle to go with you?”

“No,” Ali said resolutely.She pulled back and looked up at Ashlyn. It was then that the blonde could see the tears pooling in Ali’s amber eyes. “I want you to understand this about me, Ashlyn. If we’re going to be together, you really need to understand what happened there. My parents and Kyle were there through most of it. They saw how hard it was for me. I mean you saw some of it, but I need you to really understand it as much as you can.” She let out a quiet sigh. “And I need this. I need you there to hold me if I can’t handle it.”

“You’ll handle it,” Ashlyn said gently. “You are so strong and brave.”

Ali’s head shook before she rested it back on Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Don’t be disappointed if I’m not.”

“I won’t. Never.”

“So, will you?” Ali’s voice sounded so small and afraid.

“Of course I will.” She felt so amazed that Ali would ask her, but she also understood the need to share that part of her life. “I know I’ll never really understand what you went through, but if I can help you shoulder some of that pain, then I will be there no question.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” Ashlyn started to pull out of their embrace so she could get the boat started, but Ali stopped her.

“Ashlyn, wait a second.”She wiped at her eyes and then smiled. “I just need you to know that I’m no longer just falling in love with you. I’m there. I love you. Totally. Completely.”

Ashlyn’s breath caught for a moment at the admission. And then the biggest smile she might have ever smiled sprang to her lips. “Really?”

Ali rolled her eyes in amusement as she laughed. “Yes, of course.”

“Good,” Ashlyn said as she reached up and cupped Ali’s cheek. “Because I love you, too. No doubts, no fear. Just love.”

Ali’s smile went full-blown electric a moment before she reached up and pulled Ashlyn in for a long kiss full of all the emotion they were both feeling.

Getting the boat back to its slip would just have to wait a little.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, if you're the emotional type, you might need some tissues. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just a sap.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, folks. And your comments and kudos are always appreciated.

Ashlyn took a deep breath as she stood outside Ali’s apartment door. Today was going to be rough, she knew, probably rougher than she could ever imagine. But she knew she had to be strong for Ali. Her girlfriend had already been through so much, but going back to where her life changed, where her friends died, could very well be one of the hardest parts of her journey. While Ashlyn was happy Ali had asked her to come along, it scared the shit out of her how she was going to be able to help her through this day. _Just love her. That’s all you can do._

With one last deep breath she knocked on Ali’s door. When it opened, she didn’t even see the brunette. Instead the door just seemed to open and it wasn’t until after Ashlyn crossed the threshold that she saw Ali walking back toward the living room, shoulders slumped and obviously not in a good mood.

“Ali?” She didn’t want to push, but she wanted the brunette to know that she was concerned.

Ali fell down in a heap on her couch and finally looked up at Ashlyn. Even from across the apartment, Ashlyn could see the red-rimmed eyes staring at her so forlornly. “I…” It was like the emotion choked off Ali’s throat and she started to cry.

Ashlyn was across the apartment and onto the couch in a second. She quickly wrapped Ali up in her arms as tightly as she could. “I know this is hard. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I need to,” Ali barely got out before a fresh set of sobs shook her.

Ashlyn started rocking them both as she ran her hand gently up and down Ali’s back. “It’s okay to be upset, Ali. It’s okay to mourn. Whatever you’re feeling is what you need to feel.”She waited to see if Ali would react but she just kept crying on her shoulder. “I love you, Ali. I love you so much.”

Ali nodded against her shoulder and sniffed loudly. “Why did they all have to die? Why was I the only one who didn’t? It’s not fair.”

“I don’t know why that happened,” Ashlyn admitted quietly. “I wish I did. But you did survive, Ali. You survived and you have this chance to keep living. I know you cherish that gift, but I also know it’s hard and I’m not sure how to make it easier for you.”

Ali wiped at her eyes as she looked up at Ashlyn. “Just being here helps. It really does. I would have survived if I hadn’t ever met you, but you do make me want to really live and find a way to accept what happened. You give me so much of that strength you say you see in me.” She sniffled loudly. “Sorry, I’m a snotty mess.”

“I love you even when you’re a snotty mess,” Ashlyn said as she smiled.“It’ll get easier. I promise. Some days will be better than others. And today might be one of the worst, if you still want to go. But I swear to you I’m going to be there with you every step of the way.”

Ali wiped her face up and down and seemed to finally get control of her emotions a little. “I want to go. I need to go.”

Ashlyn kissed her forehead gently. “I know you do. And whatever you need me to do today, you just let me know. I’ll do anything, carry any of the pain that I can. Anything.”

Ali finally smiled. “Thank you. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too. So much in fact I’m going to tell you that you need to go wash your face and redo your mascara. You kind of look like Alice Cooper right now.”

Ali’s forehead scrunched up in confusion. “Who?”

Ashlyn just chuckled and shook her head. “Some other time.Go get cleaned up. We need to get going if we’re going to make the appointment.”

Ali leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

* * *

Ali’s heart pounded as she climbed onto the golf cart that was going to take them into the attack site. She couldn’t help but think about that morning as they drove through the streets of DC to the staging area, the thick cloud of smoke getting ever closer. She had been terrified, more terrified than she had even been when she almost died in college. She had wanted to help others when she joined the department and yet the thought she could die doing that had only been a little buzz in the back of her mind until that very moment. Something had told her she might not go home alive that day and she almost hadn’t.

But now the sun was shining and the air was clear, albeit a little hot and humid. Instead of the wail of sirens and crackle of radio traffic, it was remarkably quiet for the middle of the city. It was almost as if there was a dome of reverence that still hovered over the entire area. Dozens of first responders had died, still more had come out with injuries that would plague them the rest of their lives. But while others would eventually come to this location to pay their respect to heroism and loss, for Ali it would always just be the place her life changed on a dime.

She took a deep breath and looked at Ashlyn, reminding herself that there was at least a silver lining, at least for her. And yet as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she fell back into that familiar devastating mixture of sadness and anger. She would always be sad about the friends she lost that day. And she would always be mad that in order to be the one who survived she would have to learn to be happy and move on when that just seemed so selfish. 

“You’re allowed to feel anything you’re feeling,” Ashlyn whispered as she sat next to her in the golf cart. The blonde took Ali’s hand and squeezed it. “You can be sad, you can feel guilty. Whatever you’re feeling is valid, okay?”

Ali nodded as she dropped her head heavily only Ashlyn’s shoulder. “Thank you. I love you.”

Ashlyn kissed the crown of brunette hair and whispered, “I love you, too.”

Ali smiled sadly. “This all feels very surreal. It looks so different.”

As the golf cart started driving through the barbed wire fencing that surrounded the attack site, Ali began to take in the absolute carnage that still stood as testament to what happened that winter morning. The area was actually mostly empty. Any vehicle that was not totaled by the bombs had long since been removed. But then there were areas that looked like war zones. As they drove toward the largest of the areas, Ali looked ahead and tried to pick out what each piece of twisted and charred metal once was. The carnage was so severe that it was impossible to tell engine from ambulance and ladder truck from chief’s buggy.

Their driver motioned with his head as he started to slow the cart down. “This is your area.”

Ali nodded, feeling tears already start to sting her eyes. She lifted her head from Ashlyn’s shoulder and took a deep breath. “I can do this,” she whispered to herself.

Ashlyn must have heard her because she squeezed her hand again. “You can.”

Ali took a deep breath and climbed out of the golf cart the moment it came to a stop. She knew if she hesitated she might never do it.Better to just rip off the bandaid.She pulled on Ashlyn’s hand to make sure her girlfriend knew she should come along. “Don’t let go,” she pleaded with Ashlyn even as she squeezed her hand more tightly.

“Never,” the blonde replied with a gentle smile. “I’ll always be right here with you if you need me.”

“I need you,” Ali said as the first tears fell onto her cheeks.

Ashlyn reached up and wiped the tears away, although Ali knew it was to no avail. She would certainly shed many more before they were done. “You ready?” Ashlyn asked her with a hint of a sad smile.

Ali took a deep breath and looked out over the twisted metal and rubble ahead. “Yeah,” she said with a curt nod.

Ashlyn reached up and put her arm over Ali’s shoulders, pulling her in tightly to her side. It felt so good to have her girlfriend’s strength and calm there with her. With that in mind, she slowly started walking over toward the wreckage. “We were parked back that way,” she said as she pointed a little behind them. “We’d just gotten into the pickup trucks and made it up to this area when the explosions started happening.”

A few more steps and they were into the middle of all the twisted metal. The remains of fire apparatus were mostly piled up on two sides, leaving a small path between them. Ali closed her eyes and could see some of them in her mind. Flashes of red and white metal went by in her head as she thought about riding along in the utility truck.She pointed over to a white heap and felt her throat close up just a little. “I think that was the ambulance that first exploded. It blew us all over in that direction,” she said as she turned a little to her left.

She remembered the feeling of panic as she had had the wind knocked out of her after that initial explosion. “I couldn’t breathe so I tried to find my oxygen mask but it wasn’t there. I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe.”Ashlyn rubbed her back gently with her free hand and it really helped settle the echo of panic she was starting to feel at the memories overwhelming her. Ali looked back at the blonde and smiled. “Luckily it wasn’t an injury, I just had the air knocked out of me.”

“It’s still scary,” Ashlyn said gently. “I had a few times in goal when I got the wind knocked out of me and it was really scary. I can only imagine it was worse here.” She pulled Ali’s head down onto her shoulder and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I’m so glad that’s all it was.”

Now that Ali was at a point in her recovery where she could begin to enjoy life again, she was able to answer in all honesty, “Me, too.”She took another deep breath and then lifted her head from Ashlyn’s shoulder. “It didn’t really bother me for that long. It was like I knew I was going to die and everything became really peaceful. I remember I was staring up at the sky and all I could see was smoke. I wanted to see the sky, but it was blocked, so I just closed my eyes and waited to die. Only a few seconds later there was another explosion and I guess I was shot back toward the first explosion. At least that’s what I was told.”She started walking over toward where she might have landed. “It was that second explosion that injured me the worst. I felt this horrible pain all down my left side and then my head kind of exploded and it all went dark.”She shrugged. “I can’t believe I remember all that. I’ve heard that a lot of people with head injuries don’t remember a period of time before the injury, but I do. I’ve never felt pain like that.”

She didn’t wait for a reaction from Ashlyn. Instead she pulled her over to the twisted wreckage where she probably landed. “I heard that I was almost completely covered by all this crap. It took a little time before the rescue effort was able to start, because more bombs went off, but even after they started looking it took them a few hours to find me. Again I got lucky and lived. I wonder how many of my friends would have survived if they’d been found quickly.”

It was a question that had plagued her on some sleepless nights. Had it just been a matter of being the one who lasted the longest that had made her the lone survivor? Or had they died more quickly and somehow her injuries hadn’t been as bad and that had been the key? She would never know, because no detailed autopsies had been done. She would just be left to wonder what could have been. 

She looked back at the golf cart and then at Ashlyn. “Would you go get the flowers for me?”

“Of course,” Ashlyn said a second before giving Ali’s hand a squeeze and then jogging over to the vehicle. It only took her maybe a minute to gather the handful of lilies they’d brought and return to Ali’s side. “Here you go,” she said as she held them out.

“Thanks,” Ali said, hearing how her voice sounded tight with the emotion that was starting to well up in her. Her hands shook as she took the small bouquet. When Ashlyn seemed like she was going to reach out to her, she shook her head. “No, I need to do this myself.”

Ashlyn gave her a ghost of a smile. “Okay, I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“I know.” Ali turned and took the last three steps to the twisted and burnt metal piled up about where the first explosion went off. She had no idea where any of her friends ended up, so she just slowly knelt, wincing a little at the tightness in her left leg, but somehow maintaining her balance. She took a deep breath to try to steady her nerves, but it didn’t keep the tears that were spilling out of her eyes from falling. “If only we’d been on some bullshit fender bender so we wouldn’t have been available to come down here when we did,” she said quietly as she reached out to touch one of the pieces of metal. But she knew her friends would have been mad to have missed the chance to be a part of the biggest rescue operation DC had seen since at least 9/11. Still, if only things had been different.

“I miss you guys,” she continued on as she tried to blink the tears away, but her vision remained clouded by them. “It’s been hard being the only one left and for awhile there I didn’t think I could make it. The guilt was just too much. But it’s getting better now. Little by little. And I promise you all that I won’t waste this gift, okay? I’m going to do my best to live a life you all would be proud of.”

She looked down at the flowers in her hand and then pulled one out, taking a moment to smell the sweetness of it before putting it on the ground and smiling sadly. “That one’s for you Jim. You were so young. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you better.” Another came out as she thought about Dan, the Quiet Giant as they liked to call him. Then another for Mike, who had been about to get engaged, and Brian, who’d been so proud of his baby boy who she knew would be turning one at the end of the summer. And then, finally, she put the final flower on the ground but didn’t let go. “I’m so sorry, Rick. I should have been brave enough to let you go while you had a chance to find someone who could really love you. But I wasn’t and there will always be a part of me that regrets that. I hope you know that I did love you, not as much as you deserved, but I did. And part of me always will.” She kissed the tips of her fingers and then placed them on the pile of flowers. “Goodbye my favorite boys. I promise I’ll never forget you.”

She started to get up, but wasn’t able to really push up on her leg. Before she could even try again, Ashlyn was there, taking just enough weight off her leg that she could stand. And before she knew it, the blonde’s strong arms were wrapped around her and it was only then that Ali realized she was sobbing into Ashlyn’s chest. She was so grateful for the support and just let herself sink into Ashlyn’s embrace, taking the time she needed to let out all the pain and the guilt she’d carried for the last few months. She knew she’d always feel those emotions until the day she died, but giving herself permission to feel them and let them out lifted a massive weight off her shoulders. She’d learn to live with those emotions, not because they were some sort of punishment for surviving, but because they were just a reminder of the lives she would forever carry in her heart.

She finally took a shuddering breath and pulled a little out of Ashlyn’s arms. “I’m done. Let’s go home.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn said as she smiled down at Ali. There were fresh tears on the blonde’s cheeks.

Ali almost said something, but instead just let a sad smile come to her lips. Ashlyn might not have been there at the attacks or in the first weeks after, but she somehow understood and felt some of her pain. Ashlyn would always be there for her, supporting her, caring for her, of that she had no doubt. And Ali couldn’t believe how much she loved her for that alone.

* * *

Ashlyn breathed a sigh of relief as she opened Ali’s refrigerator to get them something to drink. It had been a long and emotional day, filled with tears and sorrow. But on the way back to Ali’s place, there had been a hint of relief that seemed to waft off of her girlfriend. By the time they’d left the District, Ali had been telling her stories of their times at the firehouse. She had laughed about the lady with a huge bag of beans in her purse that had spilled all over the back of the ambulance on her first call ever and the drunk woman who had been inadvertently flashing all the cars going by since she was wearing a short skirt and going commando. She talked about the night she got to fly in the helicopter with a patient to the trauma center and how the other guys were pissed off because they’d been left to clean the ambulance while she got to have the adventure they all wanted. And she had talked about the pranks they’d thrown at one another, the late night talks, the bad movies and food they’d shared. By the time they pulled into Ali’s apartment complex, Ashlyn had really gotten a chance to feel like she understood Ali and the time she’d spent at the fire department. This remarkable woman had given up her time and risked her life to help others and somehow found kindred spirits that she normally would have never gotten to know along the way. She was glad Ali had had the experience, even if in the end it had cost her so dearly. 

Ashlyn grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and went into the living room to plop down on the couch next to her girlfriend. “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Ali said almost absently. She stared off into space for a moment before she turned to Ashlyn, her brown eyes sparkling. “I want to find something I can do, some volunteer work. I can’t go back to riding an ambulance, but there has to be something I can do.”She smiled brightly. “I’m ready to get back out there and do some stuff. The guys would want me to do that.”

“That sounds amazing.” Ashlyn said as she leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Maybe we can find something we can do together?”  


“Really?” Ali’s smile somehow grew even wider. “I’d love that.”

“Of course.” Ashlyn said as she opened her water and leaned back into Ali’s shoulder. “I love helping people. I mean look what I do for a living. I was already thinking of maybe getting into some coaching, but it would be nice to find something unrelated to soccer as well.”

“That would be so awesome.” Ali snuggled into her shoulder and laughed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Ali.”

They sat like that for a few long moments, just enjoying being in each other’s arms.Then Ali almost jumped up. “Wait, I have something for you,” she said as she got up off the couch faster than Ashlyn had ever seen her come to her feet.

“I’m all for gifts,” Ashlyn said with a chuckle as her girlfriend scampered down the hall toward her bedroom.

It only took a few seconds before Ali came out, her hands behind her back. When she got over to Ashlyn, she sat down and grinned mischievously. “Pick.”

Ashlyn rolled her eyes in amusement before touching Ali’s left arm. Ali pulled her hand out and revealed that it was empty. With a light laugh, Ashlyn then chose Ali’s right arm. This time the brunette pulled her hand out but it stayed closed. “Aren’t you supposed to show me what’s inside?” Ashlyn asked.

Suddenly Ali seemed just a little nervous. “Um, yeah,” she began before pausing. And then she looked up at Ashlyn and there was so much love in her eyes it almost stole Ashlyn’s breath away. “I want you to feel like you are an important part of my life, because you are, Ashlyn. I love you so much and I can’t wait to see where life takes us, together. So, I want you to be able to come and go as you please.” She opened her hand to reveal a key.She took Ashlyn’s hand and placed it in the palm. “Mi casa es su casa.”

“Oh going all bilingual on me,” Ashlyn joked out of reflex even as she felt the emotion well up in her at how much this meant to her.

“Guess I could have gone German. Fühl dich hier wie zuhause” she said with a nose-crinkling smile.

“Seriously, there’s something kind of sexy about you speaking German,” Ashlyn said as she leaned in to nip at Ali’s lips.

“Oh? Soll ich weiter machen?”

Ashlyn laughed with her lips only an inch from Ali’s. “This could get dangerous if I start agreeing to things you say in German.”

“You’ll just have to trust me,” Ali said, her voice deep and breathy. 

“Of course I trust you,” Ashlyn said back, her own voice getting rougher by the second. “More than anyone.”

Ali’s smile caused her nose to crinkle yet again. “Good. Now put that key in your pocket so you don’t lose it and then let’s spend some time trusting one another.”

Ashlyn put the key away and chuckled as her lips ghosted over Ali’s. “I love you, Ali.”

“Und ich liebe dich, Ashlyn,” Ali replied.

Ashlyn didn’t need a translation of that one. Nor did she have the time to even think about it, because suddenly Ali’s lips were on hers and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up next week. And, yes, it might be a bit on the mature side (I know, finally). Or more than a bit. You'll just have to come back to find out :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience with my slow rolling the E rating bit, but here it is. It's a whole chapter's worth of it. I hope it was worth the wait (it is for Ali and Ash!). 
> 
> Let me know what you think. Writing sex scenes is hard and makes me feel self-conscious and all that.

Ashlyn trotted up the last few steps to Ali’s apartment. She lifted her hand and was about to knock when she spied the yellow post-it note on the door. _Use your key._ A smile crept onto her face as she fished her keychain out of her front pocket. “What are you up to?” she wondered out loud. They were just supposed to be spending a quiet evening together. Now Ashlyn wondered if Ali was pulling a fast one on her.

She gently opened the door and poked her head in, her smile continuing to grow. The lights were off, which made it all the more obvious that there were candles lit in Ali’s bedroom. Ashlyn’s heart started to pound as she moved into the apartment. _Does this mean what I think it might mean?_ She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but she couldn’t help it. She’d been dying to touch Ali, really touch her, for weeks now. _Please_.

“Ali?” she asked quietly as she walked down the hall, her head craning to try to find her girlfriend. She smiled when she heard the familiar rumbling laugh. 

But the smile instantly fell from her face when she walked into the room, because it was like the world just stopped. Ali was sitting on her bed wearing an oversized men’s white button down and not much else. She had her hair piled high in a messy bun on her head. And the final—and Ashlyn thought most devious—touch was she had her black glasses on, slid down seductively on her nose. The whole effect was a bit naughty librarian and Ashlyn loved every inch of it. 

Ali’s voice was lower than normal when she asked, “Surprised?”

Ashlyn found that her mouth was suddenly dry so her answer came out roughly. “You could say that.”

Ali pushed her glasses up onto the bridge of her nose and then got off the bed to walk around to Ashlyn. “I hope you’re not dying to have dinner.”

“Um, dinner, no. Definitely not that hungry.” She let out a quiet chuckle. “For food,” she answered sheepishly.

Ali’s laughter bubbled up quickly. “Smooth,” she replied as she closed the distance between them. She put her hands on Ashlyn’s waist and smiled up at her. “I think it’s time for us, don’t you?”

“You won’t get an argument from me on that.” Ashlyn’s heart was beating so hard she thought it might explode. “Are you sure?”

Ali’s lips curled a little and her eyes twinkled. “Very.” She then looked down shyly all of a sudden. “I mean, I’m nervous of course. But I’m sure.”

Ashlyn bit at her lip as she reached up to cup Ali’s cheek, lifting her face so she could see those beautiful brown eyes. “I’m sure, too. And nervous. Very nervous,” she said over a hint of laughter. She couldn’t remember every being this nervous before sex, but in a way it was good.It made her realize how important this all was, for both of them.

“Glad I’m not the only one,” Ali said before chuckling a little self-consciously.

“Definitely not the only one.” She then leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss.As she pulled away she let out a little laugh, part nervous and part amused. “You know, I have to say, this outfit is sexy as hell.”

“You like?” Ali’s smile lit up her face as she took a step back and ran her fingers down her collar. “Somehow I thought you would.”

Ashlyn fanned herself. “Way more than like. Way more.” She reached and ran her fingers up Ali’s cheek until they touched her glasses. “Have I mentioned that I find you in your glasses really, like really, hot? It gives you that sexy nerd look.”

“Oh, is that what turns you on?” Ali said as she closed the distance between them again.

“You turn me on,” Ashlyn answered as she wrapped her arms around Ali’s waist and pulled her tightly into her body. She leaned down and whispered into her ear, “And I’m going to enjoy every second of showing you how much.”

Ali shivered in Ashlyn’s arms as her breathing went up a notch. She then swallowed and her voice was hoarser as she replied, “Show me.”

Ashlyn couldn’t kick her shoes off fast enough as her hands went up to cup Ali’s face and bring her into a deep kiss. _Slow down. You’ll never get another chance at a first time with her. Make it something she will always remember and cherish. Something we both will._

It wasn’t until Ali tore her mouth away, panting heavily, that Ashlyn realized her girlfriend’s fingers were trying desperately to unbutton her shirt.“What the hell?” Ali muttered under her breath.“This shirt must have been made by a six year old sweat shop worker with fingers the size of matchsticks.I swear the next time I’m at your place, I’m going through your closet and tossing out any clothes I can’t get you out of quickly.”

Ashlyn couldn’t help but laugh as she reached down to take hold of Ali’s hands.“Take your time.My fingers are bigger than yours and I can handle the buttons.You’re just rushing too much.”

Ali took a deep breath and smiled, a bright flush coming to her cheeks.When she slowed her fingers, the button easily slipped through the hole and she laughed.“Okay, so there’s something to be said for patience.”

“They say it’s a virtue.”

“Then we’re about as virtuous as they come,” Ali said as she continued to concentrate on unbuttoning Ashlyn’s shirt.

Ali’s fingers brushed along Ashlyn’s skin as she slowly spread the two sides of her collar, causing Ashlyn to suck in a quick breath as her legs started to shake in weakness.She had to grab at Ali’s shoulders to keep her balance as the brunette slid the garment from her shoulders.Ashlyn took a moment to steady her breathing, needing to calm her heart so that she could savor every moment of this.Even though part of her just wanted to throw Ali onto the bed and have her way with her—and she knew there would be ample time for that later—this time she wanted to take in every moment.And for that she needed to keep calm.

With a deep steadying breath, Ashlyn gently took off Ali’s glasses and laid them on her dresser. “While I like these, I think they might get in the way.”

Ali laughed heartily. “Good thing because I was going cross-eyed. I have my contacts in, too.”

That made Ashlyn laugh. “You are suck a dork and I love that about you.” She then ran her fingers up Ali’s cheeks and into her hair. She took a moment to find the hair tie keeping the brunette locks atop Ali’s head and then pulled it off. “And again while I love the bun, I have to admit I’ve thought an awful lot about feeling your hair trail down my body.”

Ali swallowed loudly. “Ashlyn,” she started to say but her voice seemed to close off.

“Shh,” Ashlyn said before nipping at Ali’s lips. Ashlyn let her hands trail down Ali’s neck and then down the soft skin exposed by the open collar of her shirt. “You are so amazing,” she whispered in wonder, not even really aware that the words had left her mouth. She smiled then as her fingers started to work on the first button of Ali’s shirt, just between her breasts. She had to look down and concentrate to keep her fingers from trembling, but she finally managed to get the button out of its hole, revealing the slate gray bra Ali had on underneath. “Ah, going to make me have to work for it, huh?”

Ali’s laughter was light. “I gave you a freebie on the pants this time, Ash. What more do you want?”

Ashlyn’s grin popped out her dimple as she looked down at Ali’s legs, now slightly more tan from a few days on the river and by the pool. “I’m not complaining.” She nibbled at Ali’s neck as she continued to work the buttons on her shirt. Finally, she was able to push the cotton shirt back off her girlfriend’s shoulders, letting it drop to the floor to reveal Ali in her matching grey panties. Ashlyn felt her mouth go dry at the sight and she could only imagine how she would feel as she was taking that lingerie off.

Ali’s hands were already working on Ashlyn’s jeans and before long they were in a pile on the floor. Ashlyn looked down and smirked as Ali looked up at her with a quirk to her eyebrow. “You do have a thing for sharks, don’t you?”

Ashlyn grinned as she saw the cartoon shark boxers she had on. “Well, if you’d let me know we were going to have sex, I would have worn my best pair.”She laughed. “Of course my best pair has Jaws on it, so I guess there is a theme.”

Ali’s loud bark of laughter filled the room. “Come on shark fan, time to move this party to the bed.” But before they could move, Ali captured Ashlyn’s lips and only then started walking backward toward her bed.

The two of them managed to move into the middle of the bed without breaking the kiss.Once there, Ashlyn pushed at Ali’s shoulders so she was kneeling in the middle of the bed, which allowed Ashlyn to straddle her thighs.Ashlyn broke their kiss but kept her mouth only an inch or so from Ali, their heavy breathing mixing as hazel eyes bored into brown.She never broke the gaze as she undid the clasp on Ali’s bra and then slowly pulled the satin material down her arms.Ashlyn’s eyes fell to the skin that was revealed and her breath caught in her throat as Ali’s breasts, capped by already tight nipples, came into view. 

“Ashlyn,” Ali breathed out more than said as Ashlyn began to massage her breasts, slowly at first and then with an increased desperation.

Ashlyn swallowed loudly before a mischievous turn came to her lips.“God, how I’ve been dying to touch you.”She then leaned down and swiftly took one turgid nipple between her lips, sucking on it gently before raking her teeth on the sensitive flesh as she let it go. Ali grasped at Ashlyn’s head, trying to direct her to her other nipple, but this only caused the blonde to chuckle quietly.“Patience, princess.”

Ali quickly pulled Ashlyn’s bra up over her head before pushing Ashlyn’s head more forcefully toward her other breast.“I’m so over patience.God,” she sighed as Ashlyn finally did as she wanted.Her fingers started moving over Ashlyn’s now bare back, scratching harder and harder as she seemed to lose herself in what Ashlyn was doing to her breasts.

Ashlyn winced at the pain but was undeterred in her attention. She continued to work back and forth between each breast, using her fingers to make sure neither was neglected, until Ali grabbed at her head and pulled her up into a searing kiss. Without breaking the kiss, Ali lifted Ashlyn up off her thighs, gently lowered her to the bed, and then stretched out over her.

As Ali lowered herself down onto Ashlyn, the blonde closed her eyes and luxuriated in the feeling of their bodies connecting and, in a way, their souls as well. Her love for Ali was overwhelming in that moment and she thought she would explode as she opened her eyes to look up and find burning amber watching her. _I need you so much, Ali._

* * *

 

Ali’s heart was racing as she felt Ashlyn’s erect nipples brush against her own. It was surprising, in the best of way, and sent a jolt straight to her center that she couldn’t deny.She shot a glance down at Ashlyn’s face to find hazel eyes, darkened with desire, looking up at her with such need shadowed in them it almost hurt. 

“Please, Ali,” the blonde whispered.

Ali smiled. Just the fact that she had this ability to so totally affect Ashlyn filled her heart.She had never had anyone look at her like that, need her like that.It was powerful, and amazing, and just a little daunting all at the same time.Still, she reveled in it as she kept eye contact while lowering her head to one breast and snaking her tongue out to circle the already erect nipple.Just that simple contact brought out a sighing moan as hazel eyes closed and Ali felt the body under her shudder.“I think you’ll be the death of me,” Ashlyn whispered.

“No,” Ali answered and waited for Ashlyn’s eyes to open and focus on her.“No dying today, only living.”As a smile came to Ashlyn’s lips, Ali captured the nipple in her mouth again and sucked, gently at first and then harder and harder, each pull on the flesh bringing another amazing moan from her lover as she started alternating her attentions from breast to breast.

After what didn’t seem long enough, Ashlyn grabbed at her head to bring them up face to face.She looked up at Ali, but didn’t say a word for a few seconds.Then she suddenly took Ali’s shoulders and flipped her over, straddling her hips.She leaned down next to Ali’s ear and whispered, “Two can play at this game.”

Ali swallowed hard as Ashlyn began kissing her as she slid her body to the side and lay down beside her.Ashlyn then took her hand and traced patterns down Ali’s body with just her fingertips, leaving a burning trail of desire in her wake.Ashlyn only stopped when she got to the outer portion of Ali’s thigh, pausing for a moment, which brought out a desperate whimper from deep within the brunette.It was torture—delicious torture, but torture all the same—as she waited for Ashlyn to move her hand again.

But she didn’t get any relief when Ashlyn’s hand began to move up her inner thigh slowly teasing at the skin and then stopping mere millimeters from the edge of Ali’s panties.“Please, Ash,” she begged as she gasped, trying to find enough air to keep up with her blazing need.

Ashlyn’s hand moved back and forth right at the top of Ali’s thigh as she smiled down at her playfully.“Tell me what you need.”

Ali swallowed hard.“You.I need you to touch me.Please.”

“Like this?” she asked as she dragged one finger along Ali’s panties up toward her belly button, biting her lip as her finger traced over the damp fabric, sending Ali arching into the feather-light touch.

“More,” was all Ali could push out beyond the sudden dryness in her throat.

“Gladly,” Ashlyn said as she smiled down at Ali.She then captured Ali’s mouth in an insistent kiss as she shoved her hand into Ali’s panties.Ashlyn’s tongue slide around Ali’s just as she dipped one finger into the brunette’s center, slowly exploring both in a steady rhythm until she finally flicked the tip of her finger along Ali’s clit.

“Oh, God,” Ali called out against Ashlyn’s mouth as her hips rose to try to increase the contact.

“No, just me,” Ashlyn said with a quiet laugh.

“Ash,” Ali corrected as her lover moved down her body, kissing along her collar bone and then down to her breasts while her fingers continued to tease.She then sucked a nipple fully into her mouth, the incredible suction sending Ali into a new level of pleasure and desire.She needed more, everything Ashlyn could give her.She reached up to Ashlyn’s head, running her fingers through her soft hair before pushing down on the crown of her head, trying to indicate what she wanted.“I need your mouth on me.”

Ashlyn looked up, a dimpled smile on her face that played off the deep love shining in her eyes.“I like a woman who knows what she wants.”She got up on her knees and quickly pulled Ali’s soaked panties down her legs before settling herself between Ali’s thighs.She gently put both legs over her shoulders, placing a number of kisses along the scars on Ali’s left leg as she did, and then bit at her lip as she flashed cloudy eyes up at Ali.“Watch me.”

Ali reached down, taking Ashlyn’s left hand and entwining their fingers on her hip before nodding.She kept her eyes on Ashlyn as her lover broke into a mischievous grin before dragging her tongue slowly along Ali’s labia, exploring every fold with just the tip.Ali was hopeless to keep her eyes open and instead threw her head back with a moan at the amazing sensations Ashlyn was eliciting.She was already so close and as much as she wanted to revel in this, her body was telling her otherwise.“More,” she said through clenched teeth just as Ashlyn ran her tongue around Ali’s clit.

Ashlyn must have heard, because she quickly wrapped her lips around the bundle of nerves and started to suck just as she eased two fingers deep into Ali, beginning to pump them in time with the amazing torture from her mouth.It was all Ali could do to remember to breathe in rasping pulls as her body swiftly tensed, leaving her riding on the precipice of her impending orgasm.

And then Ashlyn gently squeezed her other hand, reminding Ali of the connection they shared even in that moment of intense desire.That was all it took to send her over the edge.Her body arched as Ashlyn’s name caught in her constricted throat, every nerve exploding in an amazing blinding orgasm. 

She closed her eyes tightly, wanting to hold on to that moment of perfection, of desire and love inextricably entwined.She had never felt so many emotions assault her and it was truly overwhelming, and yet she had also never felt so totally right as she did in that moment.A tear slid from her clenched eyelids as she just let it all hit her.She was sharing one of the most perfect moments in her life with the woman she loved more than she had ever thought possible.She knew right then she would never share this with anyone else, ever again.It was Ashlyn, only Ashlyn, for the rest of her life, and she didn’t want it any other way.

As her heart and breathing started to settle, Ali opened her eyes to find Ashlyn somehow already holding her and kissing her temple gently.“I’ve got you,” she whispered in Ali’s ear.

“Give me a second,” Ali said as she snuggled into Ashlyn’s embrace, feeling so utterly safe and loved, it almost took her breath away again.Finally, as the last aftershock of her orgasm passed and her breathing leveled out, Ali looked up at Ashlyn and smiled brightly.“That was just amazing.”

“Worth the wait?” Ashlyn asked with a light chuckle.

Ali rolled over until Ashlyn was on her back and Ali was looking down at her.“I’d wait an eternity to share that with you.But I’m just glad that I don’t have to.Not anymore.”She leaned down and nipped at Ashlyn’s lips, smiling when she tasted her own juices on the soft skin.“God, that’s hot,” she whispered against those lips before returning for a longer, more intimate, kiss.

Ali’s desire flared again as her hands wandered along Ashlyn’s body, only pausing when she came to the boxers her lover still wore.Ashlyn laughed as Ali looked down at them.“Guess I’m a little overdressed.”

“So overdressed,” Ali corrected as she pulled the boxers down smooth legs.When the garment was discarded, Ali took her time taking in Ashlyn’s body.Her mouth went dry as she soaked it all in.“You are so gorgeous, Ash.”She took her hand and ran it from the outside of her girlfriend’s thigh, up over her hip and side until she could finally use it to cup her cheek.As stunning as she was, Ali knew that it was who Ashlyn was inside more than her looks that turned her on and she wanted to make sure she knew that.“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Ashlyn.I love you,” she whispered, her voice choking with emotion.

Concern flared in Ashlyn’s eyes.“What?”

Ali blinked, only then realizing her eyes were filling with tears.“I’m just overwhelmed by how much I love you.I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”

Ashlyn reached up and caught a tear.“Me, too.I love you so much, Ali.”Her voice still sounded a little concerned.

It was only then that Ali laughed.“Are you afraid I’m freaking out?Not a chance.”When Ashlyn let out a small breath of relief, Ali leaned down by her ear and whispered, “I want you, baby.I want to fill my senses with you and only you.Sight, feel, smell, sound, and taste.All of it.All of you.”She bit lightly at her neck and then kissed the spot.“I want you to feel what I just did.”

The only response she got was a deep moan.Ali grinned, pleased with herself and happy beyond words that she was sharing this all with the woman she loved and adored. _And now it’s finally my time to show her just how much._ Her heart quickened at the thought, as her stomach jumped with nervous anticipation. 

“What are you waiting for?” Ashlyn said with just a hint of impatience in her voice.

Ali laughed. “You know what they say about good things.”

“Fuck good things, I want you to touch me now.”

The insistent command pushed Ali’s desire to new heightsShe was hopeless to resist Ashlyn and so she quickly began making her way down the blonde’s body, leaving quick open-mouthed kisses and light bites along the way, her hair cascading over Ashlyn’s body as she went.As she finally settled herself between Ashlyn’s legs she looked up, expecting to see desperation on her lover’s face.Instead, Ashlyn’s eyes were softer and shone with love as she nodded just a little and reached out to tangle her fingers in Ali’s hair.Ali was pretty sure it was impossible to love Ashlyn more than she did in that moment.Ashlyn knew this was huge for her and the support meant so much, but then she took in a deep breath and could smell the salty musk of Ashlyn’s arousal so near that she closed her eyes at the power of it.“Now,” she whispered to herself with a smile as she lowered her mouth to her goal.

That first taste and touch of her tongue to the smooth skin of Ashlyn’s labia unleashed a hunger in Ali like nothing she had ever felt.She needed all of Ashlyn and each lick just fueled that need further, even as Ashlyn’s squirming under her dancing tongue made it difficult to always maintain the amount of contact she wanted.Ali reached up with her left hand and forcefully splayed it across Ashlyn’s stomach to keep her still before she began to slide two fingers into her.

Despite the pressure on her stomach, Ashlyn’s hips rose off the bed to meet the fingers thrusting in her.They quickly found a rhythm, starting slow but then soon quickening until it became difficult for Ali to keep up.“Please, Ali, I can’t hold on much longer,” Ashlyn barely bit out between heavy desperate gasps of air.

Ali took the cue by finally moving her mouth up to the throbbing bundle of nerves that was her ultimate prize.She licked it gently, enjoying the sudden yelp Ashlyn gave out, before sucking on it strongly.

The slick walls around Ali’s fingers began clenching tightly, drawing them further in, as Ashlyn’s entire body went taught.“Ali,” she strangled out before letting out an even louder incomprehensible moan.Ali continued to suck and slide her fingers in and out of Ashlyn, trying to milk as much from her orgasm as she could, only stopping when Ashlyn’s ragged breaths were interspersed with a plea for Ali to let up. “Please, I can’t,” she husked as her hands grabbed at brunette hair to pull her up.

Ali placed a gentle kiss on the inside of her left thigh as she gently removed her fingers.She then climbed up Ashlyn’s sweaty body and wrapped her in a strong embrace with one arm, while pulling the blanket up over them with the other.“Shh,” she whispered in Ashlyn’s ear as she kissed her on the crown of the head.

“Are you sure you’ve never done that before?” Ashlyn finally asked before laughing.She looked up at Ali, her eyes still slightly unfocused, and smiled. “Because, damn, that was amazing.”

“Really?”Ali had been nervous before, but after experiencing Ashlyn’s reaction, she was feeling pretty proud of herself.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes before tucking her head under Ali’s chin.“You’re a natural.”Ashlyn fell silent then and took a deep breath.

Ali suspected what was on her mind.She tilted Ashlyn’s head up and smiled brightly.“I’m glad, because that was incredible for me, too.Indescribably amazing,” she quickly added as she leaned down to place a gentle kiss on Ashlyn’s lips before she could say anything.

When the lingering kiss ended, Ashlyn let out a quiet chuckle.“You know me so well.”

“Of course I do.”Now that her heart rate had returned to normal, a pleasant weariness settled throughout her body.“What do you say we just rest up for a bit?”

“Did I wear you out?” Ashlyn’s laughter was light.

“I’m not too proud to admit that you did.”

“Good, because I’m worn out, too,” Ashlyn admitted as she rolled over so that her back was against Ali. She then reached over to take Ali’s left hand and wrap it around her waist.“Just a few minutes.”

“Just a few?”

“We’ve got a lot of time to make up for,” Ashlyn said, although her voice started to drift off at the end.It was only a few more moments before her breathing evened out and Ali could tell she had fallen asleep.

Ali gently kissed her shoulder before closing her own eyes. _We do, but we have the rest of our lives to catch up._ She smiled as she settled her head on the pillow with her nose buried in Ashlyn’s hair.“I love you, Ash, so much,” she whispered before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

 

Ashlyn awoke to find Ali now tucked up against her side, her head pillowed on Ashlyn’s shoulder and an arm and leg draped over her. The instantaneous smile that came to Ashlyn’s lips almost hurt it was so wide. _It wasn’t a dream._

She couldn’t believe how much of a relief it was to know that they had finally taken this step and that she had zero regrets. Somewhere along the way she had certainly come to know that Ali was the one that she could trust would never hurt her. And now, lying there with her after they had made love—and Ashlyn had no doubt that that was exactly what they had done—she just knew without a shadow of a doubt that Ali was who she should be with. Period. There was no one else in the world that she could imagine wanting to spend the rest of her life with other than Ali.

“You’re awake,” Ali mumbled quietly against her shoulder.

“You are, too,” Ashlyn replied with a bright grin. She rolled onto her side, bringing her face to face with Ali. “I love you,” she said quietly, almost afraid to break the spell they had between them in that moment.

Ali reached up and touched Ashlyn’s cheek with the back of her knuckles. “I love you, too. More than I ever thought possible.”

They just lay there like that for a moment, Ashlyn’s heart settling into a steady rhythm of contentment. Finally, with a little bit of a mischief growing in her, she smiled. “So, are you rested enough for round two?”

Ali bit her lip, but it didn’t hide the bright smile that lit up her face. “Oh, you know it.” She pulled Ashlyn in for a deep kiss.

Yes, this was all Ashlyn was ever going to need. Just her and Ali, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now that we've finished the (quite literal) climax of the story, just a little epilogue to finish it off. I'll post it later this week likely. All good things must come to an end.


	24. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I can't believe it's finally done. It's been great getting to share this with you. I appreciate all the comments and kudos. 
> 
> And if you haven't read my other story, give it a shot. Yeah it's emotional, yeah it's a little strange, but I promise it's worth the read :)

_Three Months Later..._

Ali kicked the ball to Ashlyn and smiled. “This feels really good.”

Ashlyn’s laughter was light. “It won’t feel as good when you don’t get enough PKs past me.”

“I only have to get three and my dream apartment is ours.” Ali shot Ashlyn a confident smile. She’d been practicing with Kyle for two weeks and she felt like she could manage to get three in against Ashlyn, but then again she worried that she would get nervous and miss. She’d hate to lose the apartment she knew was better for them because of nerves. _No, remember what Dad told you all those years ago. PKs are 90% confidence and 10% skill. I think he was a bit off on the percentages, but he had the right idea._

“Not so fast there, Krieger. If you don’t get three we’re moving into my dream place, don’t forget. I can feel the thrill of getting to the pool in a few easy steps right now. Pool view, that big balcony, and don’t forget that amazing garden tub in the master bath.”

“And no closets to speak of. I don’t get how you can be so impractical.” Ali kicked the ball up into her hands and then rested it on her hip. “Have you seen how many clothes we each have? There aren’t enough treadmills in existence to double as clothes hangers for all our stuff.”

“So we downsize a little,” Ashlyn offered.

“Because it would be a shame to have to get rid of some of the twenty pairs of black pants you have,” Ali said with a playful smirk.

“I look good in black.”

Ali laughed. “Of course you do, but twenty?”

“Says the woman with eight little black dresses. How often do you even wear them? I at least wear those pants all the time.”

“Enough and they’re all a little different.”

“So are my pants,” Ashlyn replied with a laugh.“Okay, enough procrastinating, you ready?”

“To kick your ass? All day every day,” Ali sassed back as she started to walk over to the penalty kick spot in front of the goal.

Ashlyn tightened her gloves as she trotted over to take her place on the line. “In your dreams, Ali. In your dreams.”

Ali put the ball on the spot, readjusted it once, and then stood up and looked at Ashlyn. “So, are you going to chirp at me through the whole thing or let me shoot?”

“Chirp of course,” Ashlyn said with a smirk.

Ali rolled her eyes. “You ready?”

Ashlyn jumped up and down and waved her arms like she was doing jumping jacks. “Of course,” she called out.“Don’t you go missing the goal now.”

Ali looked down at the ball and took a quick breath, blocking out Ashlyn’s trash talk. _Go right._ Without taking her eyes off the ball, she took seven swift steps back and took a one second pause before she ran forward, planting her left foot just to the side of the ball and giving a strong kick right on target. Ashlyn dove to the opposite side. Ali chuckled as she landed on her right leg. “That’s one,” she said with a bright smile.

Ashlyn immediately sprang to her feet and turned to Ali, a humongous smile lighting up her face. “That was amazing!” She grabbed the ball out of the net and jogged out to Ali, putting the ball on the ground before she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. “Did it hurt at all?”

“Nope,” Ali said as she kept laughing, returning the hug. “It felt great.”

Ashlyn leaned back, her smile bringing out her dimple. “I guess I’m going to have to up my game then, huh?”

“Most definitely,” Ali said before she gave her girlfriend a quick peck on her lips. Only after she did it did she realize they were standing out in the middle of the park’s soccer field. She looked around a little sheepishly, but saw that no one was watching them, so she shrugged.In all honesty, she really didn’t care anymore if anyone saw them. She loved Ashlyn and she really couldn't care less who knew it.“Now go get back on your line so I can get two more past you and we can go sign our lease.”

“We’ll see, Ali. We’ll see.” Ashlyn gave her a final squeeze and then turned and walked back toward the goal.

Ali again set the ball exactly the way she wanted and then stood, looking down at the ball. _Left with power._ She looked up at Ashlyn just long enough to ensure that she was ready but not long enough to really take in the antics she was sure Ashlyn was trying. This time she took her seven steps back and paused longer to take a deep breath. She then ran forward and smacked the ball into the side netting just past the outstretched hand of her girlfriend. “Two,” Ali said with a glaringly bright smile.

This time when Ashlyn got up she was clearly a little irritated. She grabbed the ball and rolled it toward Ali. “Okay, let’s see if you can do it one last time.”

For a moment Ali was going to say something to Ashlyn to try to counter the slight irritation that seemed to be settling into her shoulders. But she didn’t, because she knew it was simply Ashlyn being competitive and expecting the best of herself, even all these years after she played her last competitive game.

Instead Ali put the ball down and looked at it for a few moments. Now was when the mind game was really going to start. Ashlyn had gone to her right twice and Ali had shot once to each side. Was it more predictable to go back to the same side with her third strike, hoping Ashlyn would dive to her left, or hope that Ashlyn would think that was what she was going to do, leaving a strike to Ali’s right wide open? _Or you could just hit it well and know she’ll have a hard time stopping it even if she guesses right._ She nodded as she walked back the seven steps she always took. _Left and make sure not to telegraph with your hips._

She ran forward and kicked, but leaned back too much and the ball went up high, just skimming over the crossbar. “Damn,” she muttered under her breath as she started to move toward where the ball landed among the trees behind the goal.

“I’ll get it,” Ashlyn said with her hand held up to stop Ali. As she started to round the goalpost, she turned her head back. “Getting a little tight there?”

Ali just shook her head and watched the blonde jog over into the trees to retrieve the ball. When Ashlyn came back out, still jogging, Ali couldn’t help but joke, “Don’t hurt yourself with all that running, Keeper.”

“Oh, very funny. Goalkeepers run. Sometimes.” She then laughed as she tossed Ali the ball before adjusting her gloves. “Okay, let’s see if you can put it on frame this time.”

“Wouldn’t want you to have to save one,” Ali sassed back.

“Ouch,” Ashlyn said with a chuckle. “Okay, just get on with it.”

This time as she placed the ball, she immediately decided to go left one more time. Surely Ashlyn wouldn’t go that way for a fourth straight time. She took her steps back, let out a breath, and then ran toward the ball. Unbelievably Ashlyn did go that way again and this time the ball hit her hand with a thud before it bounced back out toward Ali.

“Damn,” Ali muttered under her breath before raising her voice. “Good save.”

“You better believe it,” Ashlyn said as she got up, wiping the grass off her sweat pants. She looked like she was barely containing a smile. “Nice try though.”

“Oh, shush,” Ali said with a wave of her hand as she once again put the ball down on the spot and started considering where to go for the final chance. It all rode on this one and she would be damned if she was going to lose out on all those amazing closets, plus the nicer kitchen and better location, just because she missed. She was going to at least make Ashlyn save the ball. _One last time left._

Again when she went to kick the ball, she leaned back a little and the ball started to sail upward. Ashlyn dove away from Ali’s strike and Ali could do nothing but watch and try to will it not to go over the crossbar.

It smacked the underside of the crossbar and bounced directly downward, hitting the ground right on the goal line and then, somehow, bouncing toward the back of the goal.

“Yes!” Ali said as she jumped into the air. “Closets for us!”

Ashlyn got up off the ground and shook her head with an amused grin. “Closets for us,” she said with an exaggerated sigh.But then that amazing dimple-popping smile came to her face as she grabbed the ball and then ran over to Ali. “Congratulations.”

Ali went over and took the ball out of Ashlyn’s hands and threw it in the direction of the parking lot. She then wrapped her arms around Ashlyn. “Sorry you lost.”

“No you’re not.”

“Okay, not that sorry.”

Ashlyn kissed her on the crown of her head. “It’s okay. It’s a beautiful apartment and the pool isn’t that far away. And we’ll just have to get really close when we take a bath together.”

“Oh, sacrifices,” Ali said with a chuckle.

“What I do for you.”

Ali pulled out of the embrace and patted Ashlyn on the stomach. “I promise when we buy our first place together, we’ll install a garden tub if there isn’t one already there, okay? With whirlpool jets.”

Ashlyn gave Ali a thoughtful look. “You’d really buy a house with me?”

Ali rolled her eyes. “Of course I would. I love you and I want to build a life with you, Ashlyn.” She shrugged, her heart starting to race a little as she thought about that and about how Ashlyn might react to what she wanted to say next. “Is it too early to say I want to grow old with you?”

Ashlyn jumped and let out a loud whoop. “Ali Krieger wants to grow old with me,” she shouted up at the sky. She then looked at Ali and there was so much love in her eyes it was almost overwhelming. “It’s definitely not too early. And I want to grow old with you, too.”

“Glad we’re on the same page there,” Ali said, the hint of humor in her words covering up the excitement she felt as her stomach flip flopped at the prospects for the future. They hadn’t really talked about it, but she could see them with children and grandchildren as they spent the next sixty or even seventy years together. Her heart just swelled knowing how happy they would be. They had so much time ahead of them and she just couldn’t wait to see where it took them. 

“But first we’ve got a lease to sign. Let’s go move in together,” Ashlyn said as she wrapped her arm over Ali’s shoulder.

They both started walking back toward the car. “We’re really moving in together,” Ali said, her voice holding a hint of wonder at this step forward for them.

“And I couldn’t be happier.”

Ali leaned heavily into Ashlyn’s shoulder and just sighed contentedly. It had barely been eight months since that terrible morning in DC when her life almost ended. Those first weeks and even months had been filled with nothing but sorrow and pain and she had held out so little hope that she could ever be happy again. And then Ashlyn had come into her life and somehow everything had changed before she’d even realized it. Ashlyn had helped heal the pain, both physical and emotional, and had even let Ali do the same for her. Ashlyn had taught her to live again and Ali had taught Ashlyn to trust in love again. And somehow, Ali knew, they’d found the love they both had always dreamed of somewhere along the way. 

She looked up at Ashlyn and smiled. She’d gotten a second chance—in a way they both had—and she was going to make the most of it. “It’s strange.”

“What is?” Ashlyn said as she looked down at Ali.

“If we both hadn’t had so many bad things happen to us we wouldn’t have fallen in love. I mean we lost our soccer dreams, you had that horrible experience with Jess, I almost died. Twice. It took all those things to happen so we could find one another.”

Ashlyn looked off into the distance thoughtfully and then shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? Maybe if we would have continued playing we would have met anyway. At a National Team camp or when we ended up on the same pro team.”She laughed. “Especially if you’d become a defender like you said you were going to do. I would have gotten to boss you around as part of my backline.”

Ali couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. She patted Ashlyn’s stomach affectionately. “And I know how much you would have loved that.”She got a little more serious then and stopped walking. She looked up at Ashlyn and smiled. “I’m sure no matter how we would have met, I would have fallen in love with you. Maybe life would have been easier if we’d been able to meet at a National Team camp. If neither of us had gotten injured. If you hadn’t had to deal with Jess and I hadn’t almost died in the DC attacks. But really maybe it was better this way. I think we both appreciate what we have even more having gone through all that. A World Cup or an Olympic medal would have been amazing, especially with you there with me, but really you’re the best prize I could have ever gotten in life.”

Ashlyn looked at her seriously and then broke out into a big grin. “That was pretty sappy there, Ali.”

Ali didn’t break her serious mood. “I mean it.”

Ashlyn got quiet then. “I know.”She wrapped her arms fiercely around Ali and whispered into her ear, “You are by far the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”

They stood there like that on the soccer pitch for a few long moments, just enjoying being in each other’s arms.Finally, Ali pulled away and silently went over to collect the soccer ball just a few feet away. When she finally looked back at Ashlyn she could only smile. “Come on, what are you waiting for? We have a lease to sign and twenty pairs of your black pants to pack!”

“And don’t forget my entire drawer of shark underwear.”

“God, how could I?”

Ashlyn came over and again threw her arm over Ali’s shoulder before they began walking off the field together, both laughing and smiling. 

They certainly had come a long way, fought some hard battles, and somehow come out the other side. But what truly made their story unique and amazing wasn’t the pain or even the scars that had formed over the years, it was how they’d found healing and love with one another. And if Ali knew anything, she knew that that was all that mattered.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed a little hint of where they are headed in this story's reality. Obviously they live happily ever after (I was even tempted to write that but I'm not a fairy tale writer after all).
> 
> As for me, I'm really on the fence about writing more in this fandom, for a number of reasons. I'm going to take a break and see how I'm feeling then. So, just in case this is it (and I'm leaning that way right now), I just want to say thanks to all of you, really, for reading. And especially to those of you who took the time to submit comments. It's really been so nice to hear your kind words. Really. 
> 
> And please be sure to let other authors know you appreciate their hard work. It's the only payment they get, after all, for providing you with entertainment.
> 
> Auf Wiedersehen and Goodbye


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